Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Like me you can probably reel off a list of people that you would label charismatic.  Michael Parkinson has it and so does Paul Newman.  JFK had it in bucketloads and he  abused it and poor old George Dubbya needs an army to help him find it while his old pal Tony Blair does a mediocre job of pretending to have it.

Martin Luther King had it - his speeches still make the hairs on my arm stand up on end  - and Adolf Hitler proves that it’s possible to be charismatic and a thoroughly bad egg as well.

And just for the record I define charisma as  magnetic attraction.

Seduction gurus appear to have it on the surface whilst Professor Richard Wiseman has plenty of advice on how to have it

• General: Open body posture, hands away from face when talking, stand up straight, relax, hands apart with palms forwards or upwards
• To an individual: Let people know they matter and you enjoy being around them, develop a genuine smile, nod when they talk, briefly touch them on the upper arm, and maintain eye contact
• To a group: Be comfortable as leader, move around to appear enthusiastic, lean slightly forward and look at all parts of the group
• Message: Move beyond status quo and make a difference, be controversial, new, simple to understand, counter-intuitive
• Speech: Be clear, fluent, forceful and articulate, evoke imagery, use an upbeat tempo, occasionally slow for tension or emphasis.

And much as I respect Dr Wiseman for his sterling research on luck, I’m afraid his advice here is all about doing - which automatically begs the question ‘How do I do that’ and opens the door for a host of eager beaver NLP’ers to dive in and tell us that all we have to do is to elicit a charismatic person’s strategy and we’ll get it.

And I just don’t believe it!

There’s a lot of fancy stuff taught in the name of charisma including the idea of modelling what charismatic people do and what I’ve noticed building in popularity over the years is this idea that there’s a quick fix solution that will turn dull nerds into charismatic seducers in one weekend.

There’s a book which has been a massive seller for years and its title sums  up everything that is wrong about this self help business  ‘How To Make Anyone Fall in Love with You.    I bought it and I’m still waiting for Brad Pitt to call.   It’s a well crafted book with loads of things to do but it still gives the idea that there’s something to be doing to get instant charisma.  And my publishers tell me this is a title that really sells.   Me, I think books, mine included, are just openers that point people in the direction of self exploration.

A girl who’d attended  - amongst many other courses  - an NLP Master Practitioner called me the other day and said ‘I want you to help me ‘crack it’.  She wanted to be able to be ‘in a happy state all the time’ I told her ’sorry, can’t be done’

People are desperate to believe the illusion that life is microwaveable and can be changed in an instant.  My experience tells me otherwise.  There ain’t no formula for instant charisma.

I’ve been working with people individually and in groups for years now under the guise of teaching them how to be attractive and charismatic and I’ve been very careful to state that ‘at the end of this course you will BEGIN TO BE more able to…because I know that it’s not really about being more confident or more sociable or stopping the voices in your head or making pictures of being charismatic.  It’s simply about being and playing and having the experience.

I believe we all have charismatic potential deep in the centre of who we are and that for some the pathway is relatively clear and open requiring a little weeding and cutting back of undergrowth whilst  for others it requires a massive excavation job before we see a glimmer of potential.

Charisma in the positive sense [i.e. I'm not incuding Adolf in this]
seems to arise from a person being completely who they are and a facility to radiate themselves in such a way that others are captivated and ultimately willing to follow them to the ends of the earth.

I don’t think we learn charisma, I think we create the space for it to emerge.

The closest I’ve come to this is the work I’ve done with Joseph Riggio which focuses on teaching people how to shift somatically, NOT intellectually, into a state of being their very best, in the zone and connects them to a sense of being connected to the world of which they are a part.  People get to experience themselves like this in their body.  I also believe that charismatic people have a natural facility to tune into other people and just be with them.

When a person taps into themselves in this way they can’t help but radiate something that touches others literally.    They are sending out the vibes of who they are and it’s very delicious. I’ve seen moments of it in people who on first appearance would not merit the label ‘charismatic’. I’ve seen apparently dull boring men and women send out sparks of pure sexual energy that in that moment are almost irresistible.

And from those little sparks fires slowly build and warm over time creating a structural well formedness wherein charisma can flourish.   And it always comes from being not doing.

And when we can learn to be and to think and do nothing I think charisma arises naturally like the sun from behind the mountains.
I’m still learning to be in this experience more and to travel inside myself and just be with me.  And what I’ve noticed is that thereare more and more periods in my life and in particular when I’m running a workshop where stuff just seems to materialise and it’s great stuff.  Like that I am charismatic.

You too have the potential when you learn to make the space for it to emerge.

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