Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Posts Tagged ‘reationship secrets’

The Comfort Factor

Attractive communicators know that when people feel comfortable, they’re much more open to suggestion. Here are a few hints on how to make people feel relaxed.

Make Them Feel at Home

Pick the right place to talk. You might be happy to discuss personal stuff in the coffee room, but not everyone is. If you are about to communicate sensitive information, reprimand someone or ask them personal questions, pick a place where you can’t be overheard.

When someone else enters your space, it gives you the upper hand. Don’t abuse it. As the host, it’s your place to make easy for a guest to feel ‘at home’ in your environment. Don’t flaunt your power and sit behind your desk, for example, unless you deliberately want them to feel uncomfortable.

Similarly, if you are on their home ground, make up your mind to feel at home no matter what they do. Take responsibility for your own feelings and sense of personal power. Say to yourself, ‘If it is to be, it is up to me.’

Get on the Right Side of Them

I mean this literally. Most of us have a side on which it feels more comfortable to have other people stand or sit.  Sometimes we aren’t even aware of it, we just sense a little more discomfort if they’re on the wrong side.
So, if possible, let a person sit or stand or loll where they feel most comfortable. Wait till they’re settled and then ask them whether they’d be more comfortable with you on their right or left. A simple ‘Would you prefer it if I sat here or there?’ as you indicate each spot will do it.
If you are someone who tries to please other people too much, however, or always lets other people choose, you might want to take this opportunity to go for what makes you comfortable.

Equalize with Them

People who have an affinity with kids can often be found on the floor at ‘kid level’. They’re more into having fun with the kid than maintaining their status as superior adults. If you want to create equality in your communication, sit or stand beside someone on the same level. After all, you’re OK about who you are, aren’t you? You don’t need to put someone down or hide behind a fancy desk, do you?

Watch their Space

Before you approach someone, smile and made eye contact first. This tells them you’re friendly and safe. Don’t rush in and stand too close or ‘in their face’, or sneak up on them or take them by surprise, as you will step over the boundaries of their personal space. This is the distance we all need to keep between ourselves and another person. The amount we require varies. If we like a person and know them well, we will let them get much closer than a stranger can.

Be aware of a person’s personal space. If you dive in too close too quickly, they will feel invaded. Constantly check for ‘space invasion imminent’ warning signs. These are the signals that occur just before a person contracts and moves back. Small facial muscle changes, narrowing eyes and moving the chin backwards are all signs flashing up the message ‘Get any closer and I’m moving back.’ (See more detailed information on signals in the post NLP Communications – Reading Signals’.)

One good way to experiment with moving closer to people is to move gently in and out of their space. Make sure you are smiling and make brief but regular eye contact, then take a small step towards them and move backwards again. Continue to do this from time to time, moving a little bit closer each time. The small steps acclimatize a person to you and make them more willing to let you into their space.
People do all sorts of things in their personal space, including using the area in front of them like a projection screen. When they’re thinking about the future and possibilities, they tend to glance in front. So if you sit or stand directly in front of them, you could be in the space they use for viewing the contents of their mind’s eye! When you want someone to access their bliss spot or get a good picture of something you’re proposing, give them a clear line of sight ahead and stand aside.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
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Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.

Know What You Want and Expect the Best
All great communicators understand the power of focused expectation. When you keep in mind what kind of response you’re after, you will find it much easier to lead the conversation in that direction. But you have to really believe you’re going to get what you want.

Angie came to see me because she wanted to get married after five years of living with her partner, but when I asked her, ‘What do you expect to happen?’ her answer was quite different. She said, ‘He might worry about losing his freedom and get scared off.’ Angie’s expectations did not match her desires and that can cause problems, because your expectations will determine what you get.

When I asked Angie, ‘What has to happen to make marriage to Tom more likely?’ she came up with two ideas: ‘Maybe I could stop asking him where he’s been every time he goes out and trust him a bit more’ and ‘Maybe I should let him have more time to himself and learn to do some things on my own.’

I asked her, ‘How will that make it more likely to get what you want?’

Her reply said it all: ‘If Tom feels free when he’s with me, he’s going to be more open to marriage because he won’t be so scared of losing his freedom.’

Obviously, when someone else is involved, there’s never a guarantee that they will go along with what you want. But when you learn to think like this, you’re seriously increasing your chances of success.

There’s an old saying: ‘Energy follows thought.’ This suggests, quite rightly in my experience, that whatever you focus on finding is what you will find. So before you open your mouth, you may find it useful to build up an optimistic focus.

If there is something important that you wish to say to someone you are close to, I suggest you start by reminding yourself that there are some very good reasons why you are close to this person.
Take a moment or two to think loving thoughts of them, even if you are experiencing some anger or other unpleasant emotion towards them right now.

Let go of the old thoughts and just look around you. Pay attention to what’s happening, check out how your body feels and relax.

Then look at or think about the person you are about to communicate with. Send them some more loving thoughts.

If this is a communication with someone you have to reprimand in some way, maybe in a business or social context, remind yourself that this person is doing the best they can given all that has gone to make them the way they are today. You may not  know their history so you can’t imagine why they are doing what they are doing. Instead, just imagine that they have potential and that they do want to succeed.

Let go of any judgements and blame and think of how you want them to be. Keep this in mind so that you can use your linguistic wizardry skills to lead them away from murky thoughts towards somewhere much more open and ripe for constructive action.

If this is a business negotiation, remind yourself of what you already know. The best outcome in any negotiation is always win-win. Keep this firmly in mind.

How much do you know about the other person’s hopes and expectations? Keep asking yourself ‘What’s in it for them?’ and ‘What has to happen to make it work’? This focuses your mind away from barriers towards solutions and valuable results.

If your mind keeps bringing up those imaginary barriers, ask yourself: ‘What has to happen to dissolve, drive through or sail round the barriers?’

Take an imaginary step into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes and hear yourself communicating to them. What do you think is most important to them? Are you making it attractive to them?

This should help build up an optimistic attitude. I’ll cover linguistic skills in another post.

I’m always surpised by how many people are shocked to discover something about their partner, sometimes after they’ve been married for years.  What secrets are you keeping? What secrets would you prefer to keep?  How might that affect any relationship you enter into?

I planned at one time to run courses in my friends hotel in St Lucia for couples who wanted to get married. The idea was to get them to a place of total honesty,exploring values, beliefs, dreams, expectations before they tied the knot.

So what do you know about your partner and what are you prepared to share with them?

Today’s guest blog excerpt is from Dr Gary Chapman author of The 5 Love Languages. Dr Chapman explores the kind of things you need to cover before tying the knot.. if you want to avoid disappointment!

Here are some questions you might want to know the answers to before you agree to get married or live together.

1. Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? Try one of these exercises: Read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.

2. To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.

3. Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.

Peta’s comments: I work with the enneagram when coaching relationship clients. I use it to help people realise the personality differences and potential co-reactions and how to breach them

4. To what degree have we excavated our spiritual foundations? What are your beliefs about God, Spirituality, organized religion, values, and morals?

5. Are we being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this? To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality?

6. Have we discovered and are we speaking each other’s primary love language? It is in the context of a full love tank that we are most capable of honestly exploring the foundations of our relationship.

What’s your love language? Take the 30-second qui on Dr Chapman’s site below

Adapted from The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman’s resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com

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