Posts Tagged ‘nlp’

What is Flirting?

The dictionary on my bookshelf defines flirting as “Behaving or acting amorously without emotional commitment.” Well, that’s one definition but, like me, you probably realise that there are also many other definitions of flirting. I have chosen a very generic definition of flirting on which to base my creation of the Flirting Weekend. This is because I feel it is important for people to realise that flirting can be a natural way of communicating with anyone as well as a way of communicating either amorous or sexual interest or both!

I recently discovered that the word ‘flirting’ has its roots in the old French word ‘fleurter’ meaning ‘to flower’ I like that. Here’s my definition.

Flirting is shining your inner light via your words and deeds in such a way that people are irresistibly drawn to you.

Flirting is a natural gift that we have had from birth. Babies flirt wildly with everyone that comes their way. Unfortunately many adults seem to have lost this wonderful ability. Somewhere along the line we were [wrongly in my opinion] told that it was bad to draw attention to ourselves that little children should be seen and not heard. Some people have grown into adults that are neither seen nor heard. But there is hope you can learn to flirt again.

Flirting is a signaling mechanism that was bestowed upon us by nature. It is a communication tool. Sigmund Freud said that we leak the truth from every pore. We all have patterns of physical reaction that we exhibit. The secret is knowing the patterns of others and being aware of our patterns. For example it is useful to be know what reaction certain behaviours you do create in others. The reaction might be very different to the reaction you are intending to create. We are all gifted with the ability to signal. Many of us need to learn to read how our signals affect others and what signals we can send out to convey certain messages. This goes hand in hand with the ability to decipher other people’s signals.

Flirting is our natural way of expressing interest in people. A smile bestowed here, a shared giggle or a word exchanged in the supermarket line can be a powerful thing. Flirting can be a prelude to friendship or a prelude to mating. Once you know how to do it you can choose how to use it. Great flirts do it with everyone, babies, men, women dogs and cats. People who flirt well get what they want in life because they know how to create good feelings in other people.

I am a natural flirt – I love communicating and I find myself initiating conversation with strangers wherever I go.

When I go outside in the world I get an overwhelming sense of possibility and anticipation. I know that I have the opportunity to connect with someone new each day. When I encounter someone who looks good I often turn round and say ‘great dress’ or ‘neat tie’ as I pass by.. Sometimes I place my hand on someone’s shoulder or tap them on the arm and say ‘I just wanted to say – you have lovely hair’. I have NEVER had a rebuff. Quite the contrary. The warm smile that comes over the faces of people I encounter gives me a real buzz. And it costs absolutely nothing.

One word of warning. It’s no use telling a grossly overweight person what a lovely trim figure they have! People can spot insincerity a mile off. I always make sure to compliment only those attributes or adornments that I really do like. MORE after this message

I go running sometimes on the seafront. I just enjoy smiling and saying ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’ to EVERYONE I meet. I know that someone will take that smile and pass it on to someone else…who knows what positive knock-on consequences it might have.

Life goes at a fast pace and many of us are rushing around with our heads full of what we have to do, what we haven’t done, what’s bothering us, what we want to happen. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own inner world. Every so often it’s important to come outside, pay attention to what’s going on in the world and acknowledge that we all share the same planet and a kind word or a genuine smile goes a long way to maintaining our membership of the human race as opposed to becoming merely a human racing!

There are many different types of flirting. For example, you can flirt sexually or non-sexually. The key is to know what you want to achieve and what are the right signals for your purpose. When I was in a relationship, my partner once asked me why, as an attractive and very flirty woman, I don’t have men beating down the door to ask me out. I believe it is because I sent out the signals that say, I like you, I want to enjoy your company, but I’m not available. When you are flirting for fun and not to attract a partner, it is very important to differentiate.

The way someone might flirt with their partner or lover will be very different from the way they will flirt with the supermarket checkout person and different still from flirting with a business associate. Yes, you can flirt at work and steer clear of sexual harassment. The key is to know which signals to send out to whom and for what reason!

When I was fourteen, I was an indiscriminate, unsophisticated and wanton flirt. I also looked a lot more sophisticated and worldly wise than I was. If a boy looked at me, I looked back at him and played it for all it was worth hitching up my already micro skirt, pouting, smiling and generally beckoning. The less diplomatic amongst us might define my behaviour as ‘prick teasing’.

One day on holiday in Italy, after accepting, behind my parents’ back, a date with one of the handsome young waiters I had been wildly flirting with, I found myself up against the wall as he eagerly tried to remove my clothes. Fortunately, I extracted myself from the situation.

Looking back I realised that I had been ‘flirting for England’. I was too young to realise what effect my flirting was having on a hot-blooded young man. The fact is that he stopped when I asked him but he might not have been such a gentleman. We all know that rape is wrong and that no woman asks to be raped. At the same time we need to be able to know what signals we are sending out especially when in the company of people whose judgment might be clouded by alcohol or other substances.

My wild and highly sexual flirting could have increased my chances of being ‘date-raped’. They were obviously misread by the young waiter. As a woman it is important to know why we are flirting and which kind of flirting we should be using. There are times when we see someone, we want them and we flirt as a sexual come-on andthat’s great, when you know what you want and go for it. But when we do not have that intention in mind we need to flirt accordingly.

This will help to maximise your safety and keep your signals clean. If you don’t differentiate you could find yourself in a sticky situation. Of course, wild sexual flirting can be a marvellous bonus in a relationship.

The ability to decipher and transmit signals effectively can be learned – I teach it in my playshops. If you want to find out more about signals read my article.

The ability to flirt well comes from an inner belief in one’s own self worth. Some of the best flirts are not your ‘chocolate-box’ beauties or your ‘Chippendale’ hunks. . They are people who feel confident that they have something to offer the world and enjoy creating good feelings in other people. They are the clever ones because they know that when you make other people feel good, it bounces right back onto you!

Richard Bandler, the originator of NLP, says that wallflowers are very selfish because they, of all people, know how painful it is to sit alone on the sidelines yet they continue to deprive all those other poor wallflowers of a gentle word, a warm sound or a bright touch.

Do you want to be a selfish, lonely wallflower or do you want to send out your light into the world and be one of those people that everyone wants to be with.

When you learn to flirt successfully and accurately, you can change the world you live in and reap for yourself an endless supply of smiles, happiness, laughter, fun and love.

30 Minute Relationship/Attraction Coaching Call with The Flirt Coach

Self-Awareness: How Do You Communicate?

How do you rate yourself as a communicator?

Are you effective, powerful and attractive or is there room for improvement?

The questions below are intended to make you think about how you communicate, what you communicate and how well you appear to be understood and where some improvement is required! As you read them through, pay attention to those scenarios that seem to leap out from the page. Notice how your body reacts and what thoughts you generate.

First of all, take a quick trip down memory lane to your schooldays.

• Were you ever asked to read out loud or perform to the class?
• Was it torture or did you enjoy it or was it somewhere in between?
• Did the teacher ever praise you or tell you off in front of the class?

Just notice whether this brings back unpleasant or pleasant feelings and then let them go and come back to the present.

Have you ever had a conversation where you felt that you were really in tune with the other person and they were in tune with you?

• What were they doing?
• What were you doing?

Have you ever had times when you felt as if you were having a big communication clash with someone?

• What is it that they said or did that didn’t work for you?
• What might you have been doing differently from them?

Are people rapt when you are talking or do you notice their attention wandering?

Do you find yourself regularly being asked to explain what you mean?

Do people respond to you in a way that leads you to believe they haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about? And more to the point, are you noticing this?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to speak up?

When you think about public speaking, do you:

• Get that sinking feeling and start to shake. It’s your greatest fear.
• Feel nervous because you’re not as good as you’d like to be in front of a group.
• Get excited because you love it.

What would it be like to stand up in front of a group and talk in such a way that you hold their attention and make them laugh and afterwards people come up to you and say, ‘That was great’?

When you are in a group, do you find yourself leading conversations or are you waiting for someone else to lead you?

When you talk to other people, do you sometimes think to yourself, ‘That’s not what I meant to say’?

When someone else is talking, are you hearing all of what they’re saying or are you analysing, making judgements or planning what you want to say in return?

How does it affect you when you make a statement and someone gives back a distorted analysis of it? Are you sometimes guilty of this yourself?

Has anyone ever said to you, ‘Listen to me!’ or ‘You’re not listening!’?

Do you tailor your conversation to suit the person you’re talking to or do you think, ‘Take me as you find me’?

Do you find it easy to persuade people to do things? How would you like more of that on tap?

Are there words or phrases that you use to excess?

Are you a fast talker or do you tend to speak … more … sloooowly?

Do you find it easier to converse with someone who puts in lots of detail or someone who paints a big picture?

When you start a conversation with someone new, do you put aside thoughts of how you might impress them and instead concentrate on finding out about them?
Now say ‘Yippee!’ because whatever ‘failings’ you think you have discovered, are going to be potent opportunities for you to develop into a charismatic communicator. And as a charismatic communicator you’ll find it easy to:

• develop and maintain a positive attitude towards yourself and others
• know what you want and expect the best
• make others feel comfortable, safe and relaxed with you
• get others to open out to you
• pay close attention
• gather information
• use the information to communicate in a way that’s personally compelling to people

In my Charismatic Communication 101 series, I’m give you some great insights and tips to get you started.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
<txb1>
Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.