Posts Tagged ‘body language’

Flirting Signals Exposed

We all know what a v-sign means – or do we? Depending on which way the hand is facing you could interpret it as a sign of victory or a very rude gesture! In England raising the two fingers with the inside of the hand facing towards yourself means ‘f**k off. BUT, if you come from the jungles of Peru it might mean absolutely nothing to you at all!

Language, be it communicated by the mouth or by the body, is a very complex business indeed. In times gone by women used a complex signalling system involving fans and eyes to flirt. Gay men adopted a great system of sexual signalling that involves keys, pockets and handkerchiefs! Unfortunately no manufactured system, sexual or otherwise really exists in the heterosexual world. In the absence of an overt dictionary of signals it’s easy to either get it wrong or miss the signals altogether because our signalling system is mainly unconscious.

Human beings are naturally endowed with an inbuilt mechanism for sending out signals. It is part of our primitive need to reproduce our DNA and subsequently ourselves. We do it all the time. What we need is to polish up our ability to notice and then interpret the signals. When you develop this skill the world becomes a richer place. Opportunities that were previously unnoticed seem to leap out at you from all directions. [I often wonder what an opportunity leaping looks like !].

Richard Bandler, the founder of NLP [Neuro Linguistic Programming, a field of psychology that specialises in reprogramming our perceptions of the word and recognising how we and others operate] , told me that when he ran a flirting class one of the biggest challenges was getting the participants to notice the signals from the opposite sex. He lined up the men and the women, told the women to give out interested signals and 3/4 of the men failed to notice the signals!

We need not only to be able to recognise but also calibrate signals. This means observing someone and being able to know what their special signals are. We also need to understand what effect our emotional body language signals have on others so that we can modify our transmissions to be clearer and more effective. As my friend and co-trainer on the Las Vegas Flirtopia event in September 2000, Jonathan Altfeld [see NLP Links page] says “we have to teach them to become super bio-feedback machines for each other”.

Blind Date - a treasure trove

Blind Date is a programme that was popular all over the world. Each week couples are sent on a blind date and are filmed during the time they are together. They are then interviewed individually afterwards. I watch this programme every week because it’s full of superb examples of signal ‘botching’. The couple I watched recently were being filmed on the plane. She was looking at him with the flirtiest eyes I’ve seen for ages. Her smile, her body movements all said ‘I am interested’. Later when they were interviewed she said ‘He didn’t seem interested’. He replied ‘but she didn’t give me any signs’.

What transpired was that because he was a ‘touchy-feely’ person [his own words] a touch expressed interest for him. He didn’t notice her eyes. What would have happened if he had been more aware of the variety of signals that women give out and what would have happened if she had tried using a different sensory system to transmit her signals? I don’t know but it’s something to think about.

Touch, sight and sound

We communicate via our five senses. Most of us do not utilise our senses equally all the time. When expressing and perceiving data, we often use one system more heavily than another. For example, some of us use ‘visual words’ like ‘a light at the end of the tunnel’ as opposed to ‘kinaesthetic’ words like ‘it was a weight off my mind’. The guy on Blind Date described himself as a ‘touchy feely’ person.

People who operate out of the ‘feeling’ sense look for ‘feeling’ signals. The girl on the other hand kept saying ” I looked at you all the time”. She expected him to pick up on her very visual signals..

Interestingly enough another Blind Date series showed a girl telling the camera how she was sure the guy fancied her, even though she didn’t feel the same way about him. I noticed while they were sitting together on the settee and chatting he touched her several times. His comment to her remark was ‘You are mistaking friendliness for fancying you’.

So, you see, it’s not just the girlies that send out the wrong signals. While this was a clear cut example of mixed signals from him, the first example was clearly a case, not of mixed, but of missed signals!

Sharpen up the senses

Flirting isn’t just about sending out signals it’s about becoming more aware of what other people are doing.

We can learn to fine-tune our senses. When you develop the ability to perceive things like skin colour changes, voice tone, breathing rate changes and eye movement, you are developing your database of signals. When you have enough data you can begin to pattern the information and make sense of signaling. .As this happens you will become more aware of the signals you send out AND the reactions they provoke.

Man/woman roles

In the Blind Date scenario the man was waiting for the girl to give him signals before he acted. They stuck to the traditional man/woman roles and they both missed out. What would have happened if, instead of waiting for a touch, he sent out his own strong signals? Would she have noticed them? What would she have read them as? This opens up a whole area for debate. When you attend a Flirting Weekend you will have opportunities to explore all these dilemmas and how we can unconsciously precipitate them with careless signaling. Someone once said to me “Simple awareness is sometimes curative”. I like that concept.

Richer signals

Once we are more aware of our signaling mechanisms, we can also learn to vary the signals we give out so that we have more chance of getting our message across. When I touch someone on the shoulder to say a kind word, I make sure my eyes are saying the same thing as my hand and my voice tone. Successful flirts know how to send out the signals without saying a word and when your ‘quarry’ is seated across a crowded restaurant, that can be a mighty useful skill!

We all have our idiosyncratic emotional body language signals. Some women twirl their hair or lick their lips, a man might twiddle his tie or rub his chin. There are some commonly used signals and there are some very individual ones.   In my flirting weekend, we did exercises that are geared to fine tuning our ability to a) notice signals and b) respond with clear signals. We delve into the whole world of signals and start to create our own dictionaries which we can add to with each new experience. You will begin to recognise patterns. We can then use those patterns to interpret other people’s signals and transmit clearer and richer ones. You can say it with your noses, your lips, your eyes, your posture and even your clothes.

Once you begin to learn this stuff, your interpretation of the world changes and instead of jumping to conclusions you begin to see things in a new light, as you get to grips with the signals of flirting.

30 Minute relationship assessment call with the Flirt Coach
Copyright © 1999 - 2009 Peta Heskell

Bodyenergy

Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..
Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions – When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.
What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here – they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change.

Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.
Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
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Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.

Boost their Ego 1
There aren’t many of us who don’t enjoy a good ego boost. And clever communicators know that people are more responsive when they’re in a good mood. The gentle art of ego-boosting is a very powerful tool.

Celebrate Good News

Attractive communicators react positively to other people’s good news. They also know how to lead people away from gloom towards possibilities. How about you? Do you help people to see through the clouds to the sun?
When attractive communicators spot a good news boat, they jump on board and join in the celebrations. Superlative words and phrases like ‘Wow!’, ‘Splendid!’, ‘Excellent!’ or ‘That’s amazing!’, ‘Well done, you’, ‘You’re so talented, clever, smart…’ roll off their tongues. They are physically expressive and may jump up and down or clap their hands or open their faces wide. They may touch you in some way – patting your back, placing a hand on your shoulder or arm, or even taking your hand and shaking, patting or squeezing it. And whatever they do will be done with a level of energy that matches yours.
Who wouldn’t want to have people like that in their life? And what fun it is to be like that. Enthusiasm is a positive emotion that generates lots of immune-boosting chemicals in your body.  Makes sense to take a dose of it every day, doesn’t it.
If you feel the need to exercise your enthusiasm muscle, here’s a simple plan to get you up and running.

Enthusiastic words

Here are some ways you can really amplify someone’s good feelings

Hint 1

Make a list of ‘enthusiastic’ words, the kind of words you say when you’re really impressed by something, words like ‘Wow!’, ‘Great!’ and ‘Fantastic!’ Choose ones that suit you and practise saying them with a smile on your face and genuine enthusiasm. Put power and expression into your voice. Go well over the top so that you stretch yourself. When you come to do it for real you won’t go as far as that, but you’ll find it easy to generate more enthusiasm.

Hint 2

When someone tells you some good news it’s your cue to bring out one of your enthusiastic words. Select the word that seems right to you. Put a lot of sound into it. Don’t be afraid to let rip. Be bold and loud! Fizzle and sparkle! Imagine you can see the word written out in bold in a colour that you love with lots of exclamation marks after it.

Hint 3

Add the word into a sentence which more or less repeats what it is that the person is so pleased about. If, for example, they’ve just told you they passed their driving test after four attempts, say something like ‘Wow, you must be really pleased that after all those attempts you finally made it!’

Hint 4

If you can, touch them reassuringly and say something like ‘I’m impressed’ or ‘How do you do it?’ or ‘You have every right to feel proud/excited/pleased.’ By doing this you are giving them permission to feel good and celebrate themselves in the presence of another person – you!
Touching them at the same time as uttering a uplifting celebratory phrase has the delicious side-effect of linking their excitement to your words and touch.
Hint 5

Get them to tell you about the experience. Ask questions that lead them to focus on the good bits. ‘What was the best moment?’ ‘What did it feel like when you found out?’ Be excited and you will amplify their own good feelings.

Hint 6

Pat them on the back or squeeze their hand or clap your hands and say once again (using your own words), ‘Well done, that’s great news!’
You’ll leave them feeling on top of the world and feeling very positive towards you.

Bodyenergy
Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..

Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions - When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.

What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here - they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change. Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.

Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.