Attract Your Perfect Relationship

DATING STRATEGIES 101
Dating - Your dating patterns

I suspect that you, like many others, have rules and behaviours for dating.  It might be useful for you to examine what specifically it is that you do that doesn’t seem to work?   If you notice stuff that does work, great, keep it.   Sometimes we build up expectations and then try to fit everyone into that tailor-made box

The following exploration is your chance to find out

Before a date do you have expectations and if so?

What dreams do you set up for dates and do they disappoint you?
Are they expectations for yourself and/or for other people?

Sometimes we expect things from people they can’t give and then we get disappointed and we don’t have any uplifting standby thoughts.

When you make a date with someone what happens immediately afterwards?

Are you excited, nervous?
Do you zoom into the future and start to plan a life together, or maybe you just plan a hot night together?
What do you say to yourself?
Is it encouraging or depressing?
What kind of images do you make in your mind’s eye of how it will be?

What you say and visualise is conditioning yourself for how you behave on the date and what vibes you’ll send out.  It’s important to know what you are setting yourself up for.

Your dating rules

What beliefs and rules do you have about who should do what?
Perhaps you think a man should always call a woman?
Where do you draw the line?  Is it OK for a woman to approach a man but not to ask him for a date?
Have you ever thought of what would happen if you broke one or two of these rules and whose rules are they anyway?

On the date

What really turns you off someone?
Is it superficial stuff like how they dress or is it something more fundamental such as their religious or moral stance?
Which might be a better standard of judgement?

Do you start to size up your date from the very first moment?

Are you ticking off a list or making judgements or are you just allowing yourself to find out more about them or what?
Do you have rules running through your head that encourage you to pretend to be something you are not, whether it’s prim and proper when you’re wild and uninhibited or pretending to be out on Saturday night when you’ve no plans at all.
Perhaps you pretend that you’re more experienced than you really are or that you don’t really want to sleep with someone because you are too ‘nice’ for that?

Dating - The First Encounter

A date is simply an appointment to meet someone and beyond that it is an opportunity to explore that person and yourself.

You know that feeling before you go for a job interview? You have to sell yourself in a short period of time and you know you won’t get another chance. I’ve been for some job interviews when I knew that it was exactly what I wanted. And I’ve been for others when I’ve thought, ‘Oh well, it’s a job and I can do it.’ And I’ve been for others when I thought it was what I wanted but discovered it wasn’t!

Some of us go into an interview thinking that the decision is entirely that of the interviewer. We ask ourselves anxiously, ‘Will they pick me?’ Some of us go in with the attitude that they will be bowled over by our skills. We say to ourselves, ‘How can they resist me?’

And some clever people go into an interview knowing what they want and being open to finding out if what they are offering is right for the job. They say to themselves, ‘Whatever happens, it’s going to be interesting.’

A date is very much like a job interview – first impressions count and the first encounter determines whether there’ll be a second. The difference is that you don’t have to make any quick life-changing decisions when you are dating. It can go on as long as you need to discover whether to move to the next level or say ‘Ciao, it’s been fun!’

The Eight Keys to Intuitive Dating

1. There are two people on the date and each of you has your own unique agenda of expectations, dreams, beliefs and rules.
2. Be curious and open to finding out more about the person. Imagine you are about to open a mystery present.
3. Be playful. If you have a sense of fun and transmit that to another person, they’re much more likely to join in.
4. Be prepared to ask questions before jumping to conclusions and judgement.
5. Listen to your intuition and pay attention to trigger feelings and what causes them.
6. Remember you are always learning something about yourself when you interact with other people.  Pay attention to what’s happening to you
7. Be OK with whatever happens. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’ll be a learnng AND a good story to tell your friends.
8. Be yourself. You don’t want someone to fall in love with someone you’re not!

Dating - After the Date - making sense of it all

When the date is over how do you react?

Do you go back over it and wish you’d done something different or do you think of it as just another experience and who knows what’s next?
Do you wait for them to contact you or are you prepared to make the next move?
Is the behaviour you indulge in before, during and after a date motivating and encouraging or does it make you feel worse?

When we like someone after a first date and we think we want to see them again we will go back and think about the time we’ve spent with them. Sometimes we’ll talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on. Sometimes we’ll write things down in a diary. And sometimes we’ll just let it all go round and round in our head.

And, like that, it can get muddled up. Some things can become more important than they need to be.

After an  encounter with a new  person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings.

Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.

Here are some pointers to the the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head!

Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstacy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.

As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head.  The knowing is in your body.  Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’.

The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’

You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.

After the date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.?  If it changed what happened?

Do you like this person?
What is it about them that you like

Can you talk to them?
If you can, what was it that worked?

Are you attracted to them?
How do you know? What was it about them that was attractive

Are there any serious values clashes?
How do you know? What are they?

Reviewing in more depth

What about their behaviour and actions
What have they done that you liked/disliked and why?
What have they said that you liked/disliked and why?
What words do they use frequently?
What energy do they give out? Are they always on the move or more laid back?
How does that feel to you?

What are they good at and what skills do they have?
What do they enjoy doing?
What skills do they appear to have/tell you they have?
What kind of work do they do?

What drives them and what’s important to them?
What clues have they given away as to their political or religious leanings?
What have they told you about what they want?

Do they like their work?
If they do, what do they like about it?
If they don’t, what would they rather be doing?
What’s important to them?
What are they looking for?

Who do they think they are?
How do they define themselves? (Some people are their work, others their families, others their class – and some, of course, are just themselves.)

And be sure when you’re filling in this information to be wary of the assumptions you might be making

Assumptions and Judgements

As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.

Have you judged them about anything?   What evidence did you have?  Is it enough to convict them?  Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?

It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more.  Sometimes we can be very hasty.

Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.

Reviewing You

What roles might you have been playing?
Were you repeating any of your patterns.
How real were you being?

Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.

Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?

Did  you play any games?
Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo ‘I LOVE football’

How would  you cope when they invite you to a game over and over?

If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?

Were you making decisions very early on?
How do you know? What were they based on?

What do you want to happen next?
What has to happen for that to happen?
What might be stopping you?
What did you learn about yourself?

You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far.   You have embarked on the first stages of a potential relationship journey.  You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself.  And you want to make it work.  Don’t you.

And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of  communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships.    And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.

Roles we play

How we learn to play roles
Relationships often act as a stage for some of the world’s greatest actors.

Most of us have found ourselves adopting certain behaviours because that’s how we think people want us to be. We unconsciously take on certain learned behaviour because we think that’s the only way our needs will get met.   .

Over our lifetime we’ve seen people doing stuff that seems to get them what they want and some of the roles we play may appear on the surface to work, but in reality they’re giving us as much success as a farmer might get trying to plough his field with a table fork.

If you were able to stick around to see the side effects that result from being someone you’re not we might think twice about this behaviour as a good way of doing things.

e.g. We see someone throwing a tantrum to get what they want.  We see the other person giving in.  We register. Tantrum = getting what you want.

What we don’t register are the bad feelings that both the tantrum thrower and the person on the receiving end are getting.  And somewhere along line it’s possible that someone might stop giving in and walk away because it’s all got too painful.

We’ve adopted role playing as a ‘coping’ tool.

Sometimes we overdo the playacting.  You might play a leader-type role.   It’s great to lead people if you have a vision and respect for their needs,  but when you can’t feel good without having other people follow you, that’s putting control of how you feel in the hands of other people, isn’t it.

As you read the descriptions of common role-plays we adopt, you’ll  probably recognise certain behaviours that you’ve noticed in yourself or other people.  The stories are designed to make you ask yourself  ‘am I doing something like this and if so how is it hindering or helping me?’

WE humans are very fond of typing ourselves.  We think of ourselves as a typical Capricorn or a controller or an ENTJ [Myers Briggs personality assessment].   These aspects are only a small aspect of what makes up our persona and they’re very useful within limits.  But if we live by our labels, we’re closing down to what else is possible.

When you look at the kinds of roles people play, please resist the temptation to  pigeon hole yourself.  Instead realise that most people playact in some way and that you can choose roles that help you or ones that hinder you.

Most of us have taken on one or other of these roles.  As you read through the descriptions, notice what rings true for you.

Types of Roles
The saboteur
Sam rarely expected that anything would go right for him.  He used to say about his relationships ‘sooner or later they get fed up with my ways and leave’. A friend once set him up with a meeting that was a just right for Sam business opportunity.  Sam got sick the night before and couldn’t make it and then found all kinds of reasons why it would never have worked anyway.  On a first date with a girl he quite liked, Sam turned up an hour late.   He was also late on the second date.   When she didn’t return his calls he said to himself ‘I don’t blame her, no one can cope with my lateness’.

Values for sale
Paula wanted to be friends with the in-crowd at school.  She would go along with whatever they said in order to be liked.    Even when she didn’t agree she would nod her head because she was convinced that if she went against Sue in any way,  the group wouldn’t want to be friends with her.  As a teenager and in her early twenties, Paula slept with many men because she thought that was a way of making them like her.

Poor me
Veronica’s  father left her mother when she was 15.  Her mother always complained that if ‘he’ hadn’t left, they’d all be happy.   Veronica  looks for men who will protect her and who will ‘be there for her’.  When she feels that her lover is moving away from her, she begins to develop serious problems that require all his attention.     She does everything she can to make her lover feel guilty.  She blames her problems on her partner’s lack of attention.

Forever young
As a 47 year old man, Eddie lives life like a child, carefree, with not a worry for what happens tomorrow.  He’s a free spirit.   In terms of relationships he’s a committed non-committer.   He has been through a series of relationships that mostly end when the woman gets fed up trying to get him to settle into a ‘grown up relationship’.  Eddie is also very concerned with youthful looks. He remarks that people ‘look young for their age’ and says things like ‘thank goodness I’ve still got all my hair’.

Super-person to the rescue
Julie always attracted men who had prospects but were ‘flawed’. She wanted to help them uncover their potential.  She felt good when she could help a man changing for the better.
Julie’s problems start when they change or no longer need her to make them feel good?  .
Your happiness is my command
Jim was very placid and hated confrontation and arguments.   Jim believed his role in life was to make a woman happy.  He would go out of his way to do everything to protect them from stress and pain, often denying his own needs in order to please his lover.

How does this work

Jim will often attract women who are very demanding.  If the other person isn’t content, Jim feels like a failure.

I will provide
Tony was brought up to believe that a man’s role was to climb the corporate ladder, and provide for his wife and children and be a king in his own castle.  . He has to be in charge and responsible for his dependents in order to feel good.

What will happen to Tony if he loses his job and is no longer able to provide?

Daddy’s princess
Beverly was Daddy’s little princess. Her father had risen from poverty to great riches.   His credit card catered for her whims for designer clothes, parties, holidays.  Her mother described Beverley as ‘very high maintenance’

How does this work

Beverley only feels loved when she is being adored and all her demands are met. What will happen if the man she finds to do this loses his job or goes bankrupt.

Mummy’s bully boy
Frank had a very controlling mother.  She would criticise everything he said and attempt to rule his life.   Frank married a woman who was very meek and mild.   He couldn’t control his mother but he could control Gina.  He was jealous, possessive and demanding.

How does this work

Frank gains his sense of power from controlling Gina. When he doesn’t have anyone to control Frank feels out of control.

I must be perfect
Sally was a perfectionist.  She worried about what people would say and never discussed problems with her friends and  She worked hard to present a picture of a perfect marriage.

How does this work

Sally gets her sense of self worth from other people’s approval.  She’s under severe stress playing this role and may not be able to hold on to it.

The attraction addict
Dean is a very charming attractive man.     He is very quick to tell a woman how wonderful she is and puts her on a pedestal like a goddess.  Women who encounter Dean think they’ve found the answer to their dreams.  Most of them are devastated when Dean dumps them because they aren’t  goddesses but normal human beings with flaws.

How does this work?

Dean gets his sense of power by making women feel adored.   Even if Dean does commit to someone,  it’s likely he’ll be a philanderer, having to find new women all the time to make him feel good.
Exploration – What roles do you play?
I’m sure that as you read through the above thoughts came to mind about the kind of things you do.  This list is just a small sample of how people playact in order to draw others into their feelgood needs.
Time for you to do some some self-assessment.  The purpose of this is to be aware of what you do so that you can use the stuff on the website to work out better ways of meeting your needs.

Which, if any,  of the above roles do you relate to most [it may be more than one]?
What do you usually get when you act like this?
What don’t you like about being like this
What do you want instead?

Empowering roles
It’s natural that we are going  to exhibit moderate doses of rescuing, pleasing, controlling, passivity or any of the other behaviours we do as long as we’re not sacrificing ourselves in the process.

For example, rescuing people can be considered a kind thing to do is a kind thing to do, but sometimes we need to think if what we are doing is really in their best interests.

Patricia was very jealous and hated Jack looking at other women.  Jack is a natural rescuer and his first instinct was to  keep his eyes to himself and stop doing the behaviour that was making her jealous.  .

He realised that if he did this he wouldn’t be helping Patricia to overcome her jealousy. .  He decided that instead of rescuing her, he would continue to do what came naturally whilst reassuring her that he loved and cared for her.  She finally worked through her jealousy, and Jack didn’t have to sublimate his natural tendencies in order to keep her happy.   Their relationship is much happier as a result.

So, next time you reach out to rescue, organise or please someone, it might be worth asking ‘Is this truly going to help them or me?’  And what else useful could I do to help them help themselves?
Balancing roles

We all play different roles in our relationships with people.   When taken to excessive extremes these roles can damage our relationships with others. But each role has beneficial as well as detrimental results.

Dominic has a very strong eye for detail.  He is slow, deliberate and methodical.  He has a tendency to be critical.  .  Lana, his girlfriend is constantly getting new ideas but rarely pays attention to detail.

Dominic doesn’t need to criticise someone to feel powerful, he just does it as part of his personality He uses his critical tendencies in a positive way.    His rational thinking comes in very useful when Lara’s making decisions based on emotions and excitement.  And when he gets too serious she encourages him to generate more ideas and she enthuses him with her excitement.   They both complement each other.

He’s playing his role in a way that works and so is she and they are in balance.

Learn from their stories

The stories people tell about their past relationships, how they are at work and how they treat their friends are clues to their personality. Listen for these clues and use them as a cue to get a clearer feel for that person by asking questions.
How they behaved
Kevin and Irene had an affair and fell in love . He left his wife because they’d grown apart and Irene was so much more in tune with him..    Irene was worried about Kevin’s ‘over attentiveness’ to his wife.

Irene understandably felt insecure. I asked her to to imagine that Kevin and she were separating.  Would she want him to be bitter and greedy with her and treat her coldly

Pay attention to how they have treated other people in previous relationships.  If it is consistent the chances are they’re going to behave in the same way to you in similar circumstances.

Nick appeared to be Susan’s dream man.   One day Nick told her about his father’s infidelity. He remarked that the men in his family seemed to have a propensity for keeping more than one woman.  Susan wanted to ask if he was like that but she didn’t.

After about 8 months, she found out that not only was he seeing his ex wife, but also a former girlfriend.  When she confronted him with this, he said ‘But you’re no 1’.  He’d given her the signs  but she’d paid no attention to this because she didn’t want to.

When people tell you stories listen for the subtle message. The more alert you are, the more you’re going to pick up.   If someone tells you something about themselves like this, be prepared to find out more.      And then you can decide what to do.
What’s important to them

When Derek met Cynthia they talked a lot about their ex’s.   They were still at the ‘complaining’ stage.  Derek used to complain how she always scowled.  He used to say ‘she didn’t realise how ugly she made herself when she did that’.   Cynthia remembered this and each time she began to make a nasty face at something Derek said, she’d stop herself and smile.   This was a very useful lesson.  Cynthia didn’t want to be a scowler, whether she was with Derek or not.   When I asked Derek what was special about Cynthia, one of the things he mentioned was how her ‘happy smiling face’ brightened up his day.

Paula told Tom how she’d left Al because he was always bringing her work down.  She writes about health and beauty and Al used to scoff.  That’s not real writing, that’s just women’s mag stuff.  Al never read her work and they rarely discussed it.   Tom remembered this.  He wasn’t much interested in women’s beauty but after hearing how Al had cocked up, he decided to open out and find out about what Paula did.    He loved seeing her light up when she talked about her work and he would ask questions when he didn’t understand.  Tom learned from the story of Al.

               

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