Attract Your Perfect Relationship

The Opening Moves

Communication is like a game of chess – you have to be aware of the potential moves and the effect they can have not just on the moment, but on the entire game. Each move you make will influence the move the other person makes and vice versa. If you make the first move, you are showing them the way and opening the channels.

The opening moves of any communication are vital. Get them right and you’ll go far…

Is It OK?

You know what it’s like when you are on your way out of the door and the phone rings – you pick up the phone or give them your attention because it might be something important and before you can say ‘I’m on my way out’ or ‘I haven’t any time right now’ they launch into a long tirade. Meanwhile you’re tapping your toes or looking at your watch and thinking about where you’ve got to be and how you might be late. The last thing on your mind is what they’re saying to you. If only they’d taken the time to ask if you had the time.

You can create a feelgood situation for people who find it difficult to stop and say ‘Not a good time right now’ .A simple courtesy question like this can make or break a communication. Before you begin to talk, check that it’s convenient:

‘Is this a good time for you?’
‘Can you spare me a few minutes to talk about…?’ (and make sure if you say ten minutes you don’t ramble on for half an hour!)
‘Can you talk?’
‘There’s something I want to discuss with you and it’s important, is now a good time?’
If you do this, the other person will feel respected. They’ll feel warm and open towards you. And even if they don’t have time, they’ll feel OK about saying so and will be more likely to agree to talk to you another time.
If they don’t have time to talk right now, make sure you find out when they will:
‘When would be a good time?’
‘Would you be able to talk tomorrow/next week?’
‘Can I call you this afternoon?’
‘Would it help if I called your secretary and made an appointment with her?’

Get some commitment to  further action, no matter how small, and then let them go on their way.

Beforeplay Questions

Of course ‘Is this a good time to talk?’ won’t be the only question you might want to ask. And sometimes just asking a question directly can be a little harsh. That’s why good communicators use what I call ‘question foreplay’.

These phrases are a gentle way of leading into a question:

‘I’m curious to know whether…’
‘Would you share with me…?’
‘I’d appreciate your telling me…’
‘I wonder whether…’
‘I hope you won’t mind telling me…’
The following phrases give the impression that you’re asking permission to ask a question:
‘I wonder if you’d mind me asking…?’
‘Can I ask you a question…?’
‘Would it be OK for me to ask you…?
‘I’d like to ask you a bit more about…’
‘There’s something I want to clarify, so would you be able to answer a couple of questions?’
‘Would you mind if I asked you…?’

All of these will help put people at their ease. As will a little chit-chat.

The Power of Chit-Chat

When I was training to be a facilitator and therapist, I was taught the importance of starting every encounter with a casual conversation. Chit-chat, as I call it, puts people at their ease. It is a great form of social lubrication. It reduces tension and helps people relax and open out, and if you’re paying attention and ask the right questions, it can give you a real insight into their patterns of motivation. Chit-chat can be a really powerful communication tool.

I am particularly fond of ‘agreeable chit-chat’, or the art of getting someone to nod their head. Sales people call it the ‘yes set’. When you get someone to nod their head and agree with you about simple things, they’re much more likely to agree with the important stuff.

Keep your ears and eyes open for an opening. You can talk about your journey, the weather, the place you are in, new laws, traffic, living in town/the country/by the sea, seasonal events or any frivolous current event. Here are a few ideas:

If someone has a dog or a child: ‘Oh isn’t he/she lovely? What a gorgeous baby/dog/child!’

If there’s something particularly outstanding, like the child’s great hair or the dog’s lovely markings: “What fantastic markings!’ ‘Aren’t those blond curls delightful?’

When you see someone smile: ‘You’ve got something to smile about?’

If you’re in a busy bar: ‘It’s very busy in here. I’m surprised because it’s not usually like this on a Wednesday.’ (Of course it has to be something that’s true – no use saying that if it is busy on Wednesdays!)

When it’s sunny: ‘It’s so sunny today.’

If you’ve been waiting in a queue for a long time: ‘It’s amazing we’ve been here for so long’ or ‘They’ve got three tills closed over there’ or ‘They seem to have only one person on at lunchtime.’

When someone is having fun: ‘It’s great to see someone having fun.’

When picking topics for agreeable chit-chat, go with what’s happening right at that moment. The topics should be familiar to the person you’re talking to and the statements you make should be easy to agree with.

Use chit-chat as an opportunity to sound out, observe or get a feel for the person you’re going to talk to. As their comfort level increases, they will give you more clues as to how they tick. The more you let them chit-chat, the more information you’ll get about what they believe, what motivates them and how they do things. Then you will find it much easier to slide in those important questions you want to ask or the vital points you want to make.

Sometimes you can even be a bit naughty and fake it. I was visiting a friend in their flat and met their rather crotchety neighbour on the stairs. She was decorating the midline of the stairwell wall with flowered edging paper. I would never have anything remotely like that in my home, but I recognized that it was her taste. She’d be thinking how much she liked the paper.

I imagined how happy she might feel about it and then said, ‘That’s nice edging.’ She nodded and told me that she’d got the same in her flat and that she loved pale green and pink and that she thought it made the hallways of the apartment block look more like a home and less like anonymous stairwells. And the more she chatted about what she liked, the happier she became.

I knew that one of this woman’s pet ‘niggles’ was to monitor the building. She’d been known to reprimand visitors who’d left their bikes inside the apartment entrance. Which was what I’d just done.
So I said, ‘Yes, it’s important to have that feeling of being at home. It feels kind of safe. I know you won’t mind my leaving my bike there for a while, it’s a bit unsafe outside and I know that everyone in this block trusts their neighbours…’

How could you use chit-chat to lubricate the workings of your life?

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