Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Know What You Want and Expect the Best
All great communicators understand the power of focused expectation. When you keep in mind what kind of response you’re after, you will find it much easier to lead the conversation in that direction. But you have to really believe you’re going to get what you want.

Angie came to see me because she wanted to get married after five years of living with her partner, but when I asked her, ‘What do you expect to happen?’ her answer was quite different. She said, ‘He might worry about losing his freedom and get scared off.’ Angie’s expectations did not match her desires and that can cause problems, because your expectations will determine what you get.

When I asked Angie, ‘What has to happen to make marriage to Tom more likely?’ she came up with two ideas: ‘Maybe I could stop asking him where he’s been every time he goes out and trust him a bit more’ and ‘Maybe I should let him have more time to himself and learn to do some things on my own.’

I asked her, ‘How will that make it more likely to get what you want?’

Her reply said it all: ‘If Tom feels free when he’s with me, he’s going to be more open to marriage because he won’t be so scared of losing his freedom.’

Obviously, when someone else is involved, there’s never a guarantee that they will go along with what you want. But when you learn to think like this, you’re seriously increasing your chances of success.

There’s an old saying: ‘Energy follows thought.’ This suggests, quite rightly in my experience, that whatever you focus on finding is what you will find. So before you open your mouth, you may find it useful to build up an optimistic focus.

If there is something important that you wish to say to someone you are close to, I suggest you start by reminding yourself that there are some very good reasons why you are close to this person.
Take a moment or two to think loving thoughts of them, even if you are experiencing some anger or other unpleasant emotion towards them right now.

Let go of the old thoughts and just look around you. Pay attention to what’s happening, check out how your body feels and relax.

Then look at or think about the person you are about to communicate with. Send them some more loving thoughts.

If this is a communication with someone you have to reprimand in some way, maybe in a business or social context, remind yourself that this person is doing the best they can given all that has gone to make them the way they are today. You may not  know their history so you can’t imagine why they are doing what they are doing. Instead, just imagine that they have potential and that they do want to succeed.

Let go of any judgements and blame and think of how you want them to be. Keep this in mind so that you can use your linguistic wizardry skills to lead them away from murky thoughts towards somewhere much more open and ripe for constructive action.

If this is a business negotiation, remind yourself of what you already know. The best outcome in any negotiation is always win-win. Keep this firmly in mind.

How much do you know about the other person’s hopes and expectations? Keep asking yourself ‘What’s in it for them?’ and ‘What has to happen to make it work’? This focuses your mind away from barriers towards solutions and valuable results.

If your mind keeps bringing up those imaginary barriers, ask yourself: ‘What has to happen to dissolve, drive through or sail round the barriers?’

Take an imaginary step into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes and hear yourself communicating to them. What do you think is most important to them? Are you making it attractive to them?

This should help build up an optimistic attitude. I’ll cover linguistic skills in another post.

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