Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

The 9 Personality types of the Enneagram

There are so many personality style assessments around now, most of which can be dangerous if used without coaching or facilitation.     The danger lies in people putting themselves into the box and saying ‘oh well, this is me, get used to it’ or even worse in wanting to be in another group that appears more attractive.

 I recentlyhad a client do an enneagram assessment, and predictably, he didn’t like the profile he received.   He wanted to be what one school of Enneagram thought calls The Achiever.

In the current  ’strive and succeed’ social paradigm [which is already dying a death] that appears to be the way to go.    B-S.    Our personality, whether it’s that of a high achiever or a helper, is not who we are.   It is a mixture of a mask to cover up who we are and a set of gifts that when harnessed can be of immense and fulfilling value.

Our personality is a set of strategies that we’ve learned in relation to how the world has treated us and what works best.

HOW WE DEVELOP OUR PERSONALITY  - the quick and dirty guide

A child who was always told to be a ‘good little girl/boy’  and criticised for not being up to scratch may end up developing a personality that leads them to seek perfection and is rife with self criticism.

A child who was praised for helping others may develop up a personality whereby it learns that if we give, give, give, we’ll be loved.  

A child who was praisd for achievement, good marks at school, will learn thattheir value lies in material success and their personality will be skewed in that direction.

There are many reasons why we devleop our personalities.. sometimes it’s an abreaction to our parents.   A parent who is a perfectionist matched with a child who is arebel by nature may end up creating the anti-perfectionist… and that’s just one pattern.   

In the same token the influence of a perfectionist parent may lead the child to develop that trait themselves. 

PERSONALITY IN RELATIONSHIP

When we enter an engagement with another, we bring our personality to the table, and it is in that crucible, that often our worst traits are stirred… because our personality traits are like a defence system that says ‘if they know who I really am, they’d hate me’….

Imagine how that affects relationship.  Imagine how when you know about this stuff, you’ll be so much more compassionate with others, and learn to see their behaviors through the lens of  personality, knowing they are just like you in that they have specific  gifts and limitations only in their own unique way.

THE ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO PERSONALITY TYPES AND RELATIONSHIP

This marks the first of a series of portraits of a lover, based on the enneagram personality traits.   

Find out what kind of lover you are and learn how to maximise your own gifts and, equally as important, find out how to understand others and work with their personality to achieve greater rapport and deeper relationship.

with love

peta

http://www.attractyourperfectrelationship.com

More Ego Boosting Ideas…

Shift their Focus

After Sammi failed her driving test three times, she called me in tears. ‘I’m a failure!’ she wailed. ‘No, you’re  not a failure,’ I said. ‘You failed your test – and haven’t you heard that saying “Fourth time lucky”?’

Sammi had taken her behaviour and turned it into part of her identity. Dangerous. Fortunately, changing the standard ‘third time lucky’ phrase to suit her situation made her laugh and shocked her out of it! People will always have their off-moments, and sometimes just a word or two can shift their focus and uplift them.
When people start to go into their problems, make a point of focusing on what’s good about them and get them to think of past examples that refute what they’re claiming and lead them to possibilities. Here are some examples to give you the idea. You can adapt them to suit your own style.
‘Everything seems to be going wrong for me.’

Get them to focus on a positive achievement and use it as a reminder that they can make things go right: ‘But, sometimes things do go right for you. I remember how you…’

‘I just can’t seem to get focused.’

Remind them of times when they were focused and apply it to their current situation: ‘How about when you play tennis? You really seem focused then. What do you do to get so focused?’

‘I just don’t think I’m going to be able to afford it.’

Get them to focus on what they have to do to get past this block: ‘What would you need to have happen so you could afford it?’

‘I’m pretty useless at paying compliments.’

Tell them about a time someone paid you a compliment and how good it made you feel. Get them to focus on what they like about particular people: ‘You’ve got some good friends and people you love, haven’t you? Tell me why you like them. What else do you value in them? How have they helped you?’

‘I’m too quiet/short/whatever.’

Get them to focus on the positive aspects of what they see as a negative trait: ‘Sometimes silence can be more powerful than talking for the sake of it.’ ‘You’re not short, you’re petite.’ ‘Tom Cruise is pretty short/Carrie from Sex and the City is under 5′ but oozes sex appeal.’

Make a list of negative sentences similar to those above and come up with as many positive refocusing statements as you can. Don’t censor what comes up – even if the statements sound ridiculous, you will be giving your positive focus muscle a great workout!

Of course, though, it’s wise to remember that sometimes people just aren’t ready to change and you can’t be the world’s therapist. If people are determined to whine and moan, removing yourself from their company is a desirable option. Why hang around with someone who’s spreading doom and gloom? You might catch it too!

We give away clues to our emotions by the way we refer to the body in our spoken language. Our language is rich in ‘bodywords’. Being aware of these words and how we use them helps us to get in touch with our body as a living expressive changing entity.
As you read through the following list of phrases, focus your mind on the parts of the body that are mentioned and notice what sensations and thoughts come up for you.

The Face

On the face of it. Think about your face and the faces of people you know. The face is first place we check out when we are interacting with someone. We often use the word ‘face’ to speak about the outward appearance of things. This suggests that although the face is the first place we look, we are aware that there is more.

Putting on a brave face. How often do you put on a face and what kind of faces do you put on? When we put on faces, we are hiding our true feelings behind a mask. This fools very few people, although many people choose to accept things ‘at face value’.

Losing face. This is a term we use to denote a blow to our self-esteem. When you lose face, your face literally lets go, drops and acts out a flood of emotions. You are no longer ‘putting on a face’. What would happen if you were strong enough to ‘face up to things’ instead?

Keep your chin up. We say this to encourage people, to boost their spirits when times are hard. When the chin drops and quivers it’s often a sign that someone is about to cry.

If looks could kill. We can manipulate our face so that it sends out a flood of nasty emotions to someone. Often we do it unconsciously! What kind of looks do you send out? What might you achieve by monitoring how your feelings are affecting the ‘looks’ you give yout  making a conscious effort to send out loving looks more often?

The Neck and Shoulders

Sticking your neck out. This refers to taking risks. When someone sticks their neck out they are moving forward and exposing their face. It is both vulnerable and powerful. How often do you take risks and what do you lose by not sticking out your neck sometimes? Is your neck held stiffly in your shoulders?

Shouldering responsibility. If your shoulders slump forwards it might be because you have too much going on in your life and it’s overwhelming you. If they are tense, maybe you’re trying too hard to hold back the tide.

Swallowing your words. How often do you swallow your words? When you feel a lump in your throat, you are literally being choked by words unsaid or emotions unexpressed.

The Heart

Our language is full of expressions involving the word ‘heart’. We think of our heart as the core of our being.

My heart sank. We get feelings in our heart when we are confronted by severe disappointment or anxiety.

My heart isn’t in it. When this is the case you are doing something that isn’t in harmony with who you are. Notice when your heart isn’t in things and how that affects you. Maybe the feeling is telling you to place your heart somewhere else, where it can beat more freely.

To lose your heart. When someone falls in love they often feel as if they no longer have control over their heart because someone else has it.

To break a heart. This is the sense of your heart being cut off from the world when you have been hurt.

To open your heart. Attractive people have the ability to open their hearts to send and receive love freely. This is one of the most powerful qualities you can develop..
To become more aware of your body and how it talks, start by noticing bodywords when they come into a conversation.

While we are busy using bodywords, our body is equally busy shaping itself in relation to our emotions. Learning to understand how your emotions affect your body is vital if you are to realign yourself to move and interact in a more attractive way.

I’m always surpised by how many people are shocked to discover something about their partner, sometimes after they’ve been married for years.  What secrets are you keeping? What secrets would you prefer to keep?  How might that affect any relationship you enter into?

I planned at one time to run courses in my friends hotel in St Lucia for couples who wanted to get married. The idea was to get them to a place of total honesty,exploring values, beliefs, dreams, expectations before they tied the knot.

So what do you know about your partner and what are you prepared to share with them?

Today’s guest blog excerpt is from Dr Gary Chapman author of The 5 Love Languages. Dr Chapman explores the kind of things you need to cover before tying the knot.. if you want to avoid disappointment!

Here are some questions you might want to know the answers to before you agree to get married or live together.

1. Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? Try one of these exercises: Read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.

2. To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.

3. Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.

Peta’s comments: I work with the enneagram when coaching relationship clients. I use it to help people realise the personality differences and potential co-reactions and how to breach them

4. To what degree have we excavated our spiritual foundations? What are your beliefs about God, Spirituality, organized religion, values, and morals?

5. Are we being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this? To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality?

6. Have we discovered and are we speaking each other’s primary love language? It is in the context of a full love tank that we are most capable of honestly exploring the foundations of our relationship.

What’s your love language? Take the 30-second qui on Dr Chapman’s site below

Adapted from The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman’s resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com

Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Find out how to build and maintain a Law of Attraction plan to help you attract someone who is just right for you

http://www.attractyourperfectrelationshp.com

Bodyenergy
Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..

Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions - When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.

What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here - they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change. Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.

Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.

You can be as wealthy as Bill Gates but without love life has no meaning.   For ten years I’d been successfully helping people to attract intimate relationships.  I was a four times published author with a thriving business and a hunky man on my arm.   In 2003 I sent out a press release saying ‘Be Blissfully Single This Valentines’

You can imagine my surprise when two months later, after twenty years in relationship, I found myself suddenly single!  At the age of 52, the Flirt Coach lost her man.

I knew if I was to maintain my credibility I’d have to walk my talk. I’d seen clients dive into affairs and relationships to ease the pain of being alone and I knew my path lay elsewhere. It was time for the teacher to go back to school.  One of the courses I found myself signing up for was Perfect Customer Incs’ Strategic Attraction Coaching program.

I lovingly composed  an attraction plan for my perfect man. It was long.  As I read through and revised the plan over and over, there was never a moment when I doubted he was there. I joined four internet dating sites and revised my profile ongoingly to affirm my desire. ‘I know my soulmate is out there and is looking for me as I look for him’.    Many men contacted me and I rejected them all because this time I was holding out for what I deserved - the perfect soulmate for me.

And one day I read a one line posting on an internet list whose mails I normally deleted.   The posting said ‘check out this website’.    I followed my nose and through a series of  ‘accidental’  synchronicities he turned up in my inbox.  Whilst I was dreaming of a man I could love and work with, so was he, five thousand miles across the ocean.   He is everything I put on my attraction plan and more.  And now we are about to turn our lives upside down to be together, because at the end of the day, love is the foundation of everything.

What I learned is that whilst it’s important to put yourself out there, it’s even more important to keep your focus on the grand dream and to let go of how or when it will happen.     I held the space for 3 years. It was worth it.  Do your plan, trust in the process and, it can happen to you too.

May your journey be as rewarding as mine still is.

Next time you look across a crowded room and feel the ‘boom boom’ of your heart and the subtle signs of sexual arousal, and say to yourself ‘He/She’s the one’, be very very wary.  It’s not ‘love at first sight’, but an ancient genetic programme kicking into action. It doesn’t matter if he’s a potential wife beater or has latent schizoid tendencies or she’s a terrible nag or wants to live in the country when you are a real townie.  Your genes don’t take personality into account.  They are on a one track mission to get you to have sex and reproduce.
It all started with some rather interesting experiments on mice…

Minnie wasn’t drawn to Mickey beause he was a fun loving little ball of fur with good prospects and a loving nature, but because his genes were very different from hers.

Scientific experiments have proved that, if your genes are different from his or hers, and he or she has a certain look, you’ll be driven crazy with lust.

After experimenting with mice, they did some tests on humans with surprising results.  They selected a number of women and men who had both similar and different genetic MHC genes [that stands for major histocompatibility complex].  MHC genes check out protein markers on cells and help the body recognise hostile organisms This sets off the immune system.

If someone mates with a person whose MHC genes are different from theirs, the offspring will get a double dose of hostile organism checkers.. That means their kids will have a better chance at resisting disease.

The testers asked a number men to wear brand new t-shirts for two days and nights, never taking it off. They were not allowed to use anything on their skins that had any kind of scent .  They wanted them to get naturally whiffy.

Women in the test were then given six t-shirts. Three of them were from men who had similar MHC genes and the other three from men whose MHC’s were very different from theirs.

The results showed that the women were more attracted to the scent of the guys who had different MHC genes from their own.

The interesting thing is that women taking the birth control pill, which makes the body think it’s pregnant, preferred the scent of men who had similar MHC genes to their own.

Some scientists reckon that this is because a pregnant woman doesn’t want attract men to mate with during pregnancy, but are more drawn to men/women who are family members i.e. with similar gene-induced odours!  This has something to do with protection and care for the family.

This research suggests that attraction isn’t just some unexplained ‘love at first sight’ thing, but rather the immune system doing what’s best for the future progeny - going for a guy or girl whose genes combined with his or her own will give their kids a stronger immune system.

Of course in humans it’s not just a matter of whether he  or she smells right, because there are other factors that determine whom we fancy or not.

Have you noticed how some couples look like each other? Think about this. Most of us hold a physical attraction template based on the features of our opposite sex parent.  If we look like the opposite sex parent, then chances are we’ll end up with a mate who looks like us.

If we look like the same sex parent but very dissimilar to our opposite sex parent, and we’re attracted to someone who looks like our opposite sex parent that person may look quite different from us!  So nature has provided us with a simple formula for attraction

He or she’s gotta smell ‘right’ and have some of the features of our mum or dad.

Now that’s all well and good for primitive beings who don’t care about personality traits or social status.    These things are important to evolved human beings.     That’s where the problems start.

Those whiffy genes are pretty powerful and combined with the ‘attraction template’ they are going to kick off a huge surge of ‘lust hormones’. Our body produces these hormones to make us want to have sex.  This is  determined by the programming in our DNA that says ‘REPRODUCE’.

The ‘lust hormones’ are so strong that they often override every ounce of common sense. While our bodies are overflowing with desire, our brains are unable to make rational decisions.  That’s why it’s called love sickness!
So when those long term couples who claim to have fallen in love at first sight claim ‘I just knew’, they didn’t. Their genes knew they’d make strong kids with that person and they’d been programmed to fancy the way that person looks.   It’s pure chance that on top of the genetic and physical compatibility, they also have matched personalities.

And of course we NEVER hear about those couples who had a gene and looks match but didn’t quite work out so we assume that there is a magical syndrome that we call ‘love at first sight’.

Next time you’re irresistibly drawn to someone, tell yourself to wait at least two years before making any major decisions.  It can take anything from up to six months to two years or more the lust hormones to die down and the pink clouds of ‘perfection’ to fade away.

Give your brain an opportunity to check out all the stuff that we should be aware of before committing ourselves to marriage, buying a home or worse still making babies.

Are you strategically attracting what is perfect for you or are you a zap-happy attraction magnet? Every day you draw things into your life as a direct result of the concentrated thoughts, wishes and ideas that you come up with. The more you think the thoughts and wish the wishes, the more the ’system’ conspires to make them happen.  And sometimes you attract things that you don’t want.  So you can thank your lucky stars that someone’s come up with a technology designed to help you strategically attract only those things that are a match and fit for you..
And if you are a bit dubious about the idea that you can order what you want from the universe and get it… a bit of back-up science might help to convince you!
After 8 years of research and psychological testing UK Psychologist and university research scientist, Dr Richard Wiseman has proven that you can change your luck and live a charmed life.   Wiseman lays out the data in his book, The Luck Factor At last proof of what we’ve always known …
YOU have power to change your life by changing your thoughts and attitudes and focusing on what you really want.  The question is HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

And before you even begin.. there are some things to be being…
Pre-key 1 Be in awe of your power.

You are able to generate situations you don’t want and you have the power to create an amazing reality.  You also have the choice to concentrate your thoughts in the right direction and get what you want.

Pre-key 2 Know what you want to attract?

Is it a ‘perfect’ partner, financial security or that ‘ideal’ job.  Maybe it’s clients or customers that are perfect for you.    What do you want?  AND, in case you started to think about what you don’t want; it’s OK!  You have a great starting point. What you want is probably the opposite of what you don’t want.  If you think ‘I don’t want to work 9 - 5′ then what’s the opposite of that?  Or ask ‘If I don’t want 9-5, [or whatever your thing is] what do I want instead? Follow that thought.   Now give it a name…and say

I am attracting my perfect……. enter your word/s here.

Pre-Key 2 Universal Perfection does not exist, ‘perfection’ is what uniquely matches and fits YOU.

Sound like that might work for you?  Great!  When you brush aside pre-conceived ideas and look in another direction, you are more open to get a sense of what’s perfect for you and to know how that feels.  Because you do know, don’t you..

Key 1 - Find your zone.

What’s true of you when you’re at your best?  At some or many times in your life you’ve been in what some call ‘the zone’. There are as many phrases for this feeling as there people who have had it.  YOU have had this sense.  You might call it something else.   What you might not know is that each time you’re ‘there’ your body takes on almost the exact same configuration.   Your body knows how to do you at your best.   The Key is to find your ‘zone’ learn how your body does it and practise.
Your bodily awareness of yourself in your ‘zone’ ‘at your best’ [by the way what is it like for you - take a moment to get in touch with that cellular memory... I teach my clients how to model themselves at their best.   This is based on the MythoSelf ®-tm  process.  Using this process I teach people initially to reactivate in their body the state where for them anything is possible. This is th eplace to begin.

Key 2 -  Connect to the world.

Each of us is part of something greater than ourselves.  The world is greater than you isn't it and all the greater for having you in it.   YOU are a very important part of the world.  Feel yourself tuning into the world around you sensing the ripples of who you are connecting..

Imagine yourself as a jigsaw piece in the great universal jigsaw puzzle.  Your unique shape has a tailor-made exclusive reserved space in that puzzle.   Take a moment to think of your connection to the world and get in touch with your body as you do so.    Notice how this feels different from being 'in your zone'.

Key 3 -  Tune into your Purpose Star.

James Hillman, author of The Soul's Code says, "Purpose, does not usually appear as a clearly framed goal, but more likely as a troubling, unclear urge coupled with a sense of indubitable importance".

When you get that sense of yourself at your best and a feeling of being part of some great universal plan, you will experience your sense of purpose.  What would it be like to have a purpose star guiding you in every action?  Each time you are faced with a decision, simply ask yourself 'is this going to further my purpose [even if indirectly] and do what’s right for you.

Key 4 -  Get specific ask for everything.

Take a piece of paper and on one side write ‘my ideal clients, job, partner will have the following attributes’.  Without censoring, jot down everything that comes to mind.

For each attribute, ask yourself how YOU match up.   If you want someone who is loving, how loving are you?  If you want the freedom to be yourself, how often do you wear a mask or pretend to be what others want you to be?
On the other side of the paper make a list of the areas you want to transform.  Always use the positive.   I am more giving, I am more loving. And then write down ideas for how you can be more like this.  Ask other people, be bold

Key 5 - Take Attractive Action.

If you want to be more loving you could resolve to do one loving act every day.  If you want to be freer to be yourself you could make a point of saying ‘no’ when you might previously have said ‘yes’.  Go on a course, read some books, meditate; do whatever it takes.

Key 6 -  Act-ivate your dream.

Look at your original list each day and imagine life with your perfect partner, job or clients. Use all your senses and make sure it’s as if you are living it for real, not watching yourself in the distance.

Bonus Key 7 - Be picky picky picky - go for what is perfect for YOU! [and you alone]

When I first started doing private one-on-one work with clients I wasn’t too picky and as  As I became more experienced I started to define which clients I loved to work with and what it was about them.  I described them as being on a scale with microwave at one end [those that are semi cooked into some of this stuff and are willing to pay me to take them even further] and raw meat at the other [those who are resistant, angry and who really belong with a psychotherapist because they need tenderising, softening up, seasoning and cooking for a long time slowly in the oven...and I don't do that!].  I prefer the microwave types.

One day a client turned up who was so negative and impossible that I got he was one of those people who pay good money just to say that NOTHING works.   I was part of his program to prove that he had no alternative but to stay miserable.  When he left I thought to myself ‘there’s another category’  FROZEN raw meat  and I never want another client like that again.

So the next question I had to ask myself was ‘if you don’t want that what do you want?’.. Who is your perfect client..?  I sat down and did my list..

Within 2 days of doing this process to attract my ‘perfect clients’, Kilhan turned up.  He’d done my Pulling Power course, had a couple of empowerment sessions with me and been on the MythoSelf ® course designed by my mentor Joseph Riggio.  He felt like he needed a ‘refresher’…

WOW and double wow.

He was an absolute joy to work with and since then I’ve only had interesting, up-for-it, clients who like what I do and who are willing to pay the fees that my skills merit.  In fact they love paying me because they get that having me in their life is as valuable as the luxury car they drive and the expensive restaurants they eat in.  ‘Perfect’ for me! Perfect for them!

So…What’s ‘perfect’ for you?

Remember your thoughts are your power.  Be alert for the thoughts that send you into a spiral.. begin to notice when the thought starts, what’s going on in your body especially in the neck to top of leg area..  Begin to recognise the signals of negativity before they take hold..and shift yourself simply by relaxing the muscles of your belly and the muscles located opposite them in your back. This is a quick way to begin to get yourself into the kind of state where you can let go and just be.   You’ll soon find yourself stopping and consciously changing what you are thinking by focusing on WHAT YOU WANT…

We may be a bunch of converted Perrier drinkers, but the holidays is one of those times when temptation is all around.  The hottest guest at the office gathering is our old ‘buddy’ Mr Alcohol.  He’s the first one we make for when we arrive and often he’s the one we’re still chasing when the party winds down.

If you spend too long in Mr A’s company, you run the risk of waking the next day, not just with a bad head but with that awful sinking feeling that something happened at the party but you can’t quite remember.  And you know you’ve done something you shouldn’t have.   Don’t worry; you’ll be reminded soon enough, because you can guarantee some kind person is spreading the tale of your exploits.

As one who has consumed gallons of alcohol at office parties and committed and witnessed enough mind-boggling gaffes to fill a book, my advice is drink only enough to feel merry and as soon as you do, STOP.  If you must spend time with Mr A, try spending a little time with Mrs Snacks and Dr Water as well!  The office party is a time to keep your wits about you, not lose them completely.  Save the wild stuff for New Years Eve, safe in the company of friends who know you well!

The office party can be a great opportunity to develop relationships, get better acquainted with that person you’ve been drooling over all year, get to know the boss, bond with your staff, and have a hoot with your colleagues.

Getting closer to the boss

At one office party in a well-known corporation I discovered the CEO, signing his name in felt pen on the twin jewels of one his employees. That’s NOT what I mean by betting closer to the boss.

The Holidays is a time to give presents. And if you enjoy your work, and the company of your colleagues, you have a whole closet full of goodies to dole out that won’t cost you a dime. I’m talking about ‘compliments’ and ‘thank you’s’. Use the party as an opportunity to informally tell people how much you appreciate them.    It’s an opportunity to look back on the good times during the year and get them feeling good about the future.

The office party is also a fantastic opportunity to interact with the people who count in a friendly relaxed environment.    This is NOT brownnosing.  Strong and powerful people can sniff that out in a moment.   This is about keeping your power and acknowledging theirs.

Use the opportunity to make a connection, introduce yourself, say something complimentary about the organisation [you have to believe what you say] Your aim is to make them aware of who you are and leave them with positive feelings about YOU.     They will be much more receptive to you whenever you need to approach them formally.

Getting closer to that special person

If you’ve been lusting after someone you work with, use the opportunity to find out if they really are a potential match for you.   A vague but honest introduction such as ‘I’ve seen you around and had this feeling I’d enjoy getting to know you better’…. works as well as any.   If they seem amenable, get to know what makes them tick, what they love doing, what’s important to them.

If your judgement is blurred by too much spirit-ual intake, you will miss or misinterpret their signals, and you might find yourself going further than is appropriate.

If your feelings are boiling over and you feel compelled to confess all, make sure to do it somewhere private, well beyond earshot of colleagues.  If you get a knockback, at least you’ll spare yourself the shame of public rejection and if romance does kick give it time to develop naturally before the office gossips take over.  A romance at work is a bit like a celebrity affair; it’s lived out in the limelight of the office fluorescents and broadcast on gossip TV. Be prepared!

Spreading the compliments of the season

The office gathering is also a great chance to mend fences, get to know someone who’s not like you or just get into the seasonal spirit of goodwill and peace by being nice to everyone for no good reason.

Bring your sack of compliments and give them out to everyone.  If someone’s hair looks good or you like something they’re wearing tell him or her.   If your employees have gone that extra mile or done some top work, tell them how much you appreciate them and give due praise for their special qualities. Don’t be like an accountant friend of mine who, when a client praised the cheeriness of his receptionist, made sure not to tell her ‘in case she got too bigheaded’.  Compliment the boss too. If he or she has helped you along, or manages you well, now’s the time to let them know how much you appreciate it.

If there are people you’ve clashed with, avoided or who appear very different from you, seek them out.   Find out about them.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised, I guarantee.    If their culture is different, ask them about what festivals they celebrate and what kind of special things they do and eat.    Ask them questions about how they spend their time out of the office; what they’re passionate about.  Smile, laugh and be nice for no good reason.

When you enter into the spirit of things in a less spirit-fuelled way you could have a fantastic experience that will set the tone for the year to come.

So you’ve  buried his memory, got over the grief and spent time learning to like yourself.  Like a flower in bud, you’re ready to burst onto the dating scene again.   Here’s some top tips to help you find the love you want.

Boost your self esteem.  Before going out, stand in front of the mirror and imagine you’re a goddess or someone you admire  How would she talk, smile, stand.  Take on her actions and say to yourself, I’m a goddess and spend the entire day acting as a goddess would.  You’ll be surprised at how it changes other people’s reactions.

Dress to attract not seduce.  Revealing breasts, legs and large acres of flesh say ‘I’m up for sex’. Women who use their sexuality to attract a man, generally lack self confidence.   Show you’re a confident happy woman.  Emphasise your good points but save the ultra sexy clothing for when you’re with that special someone.

Be open to indirect connections Don’t leave a party because there are no decent men there.  Decide to have fun and be open to sideways opportunities.  The girl who talks to you at the drinks table could be a potential link to  someone who is just right to you.

Transmit your energy.  Think of how good you feel when you’re at your best,  Imagine an invisible thread connecting your heart to his heart.  Send out a silent message such as ‘You’re gorgeous’ or ‘I like the look of you’.  You’ll be surprised what people pick up unconsciously.

Give clear signals I sometimes feel I need to repeat this a thousand times.   Most men need very clear signals before they’ll make a move.  Instead of flirting with the ones you don’t like or those that are easy to get, show the ones you really like you’re interested. If you don’t he’ll be afraid to make a move.  Smile, make eye contact and repeat this two or three times.

Go halfway to meeting him. Instead of fearing rejection, realise that most men other than control freaks love to be approached by a woman.  You don’t have to act like  amazon warrior on the hunt. Simply give them your number/email and let them know you’d be open to them calling you.

Learn the art of small talk.  Notice your surroundings and make throw away comments about what’s going on.  You don’t have to give a Miss World speech, just start a conversation. A simple ‘hi’ or a compliment or a line like ‘it’s nice to be inside when it’s raining outside, it feels kind of cosy.

Remember the only things a relationship needs to get going is that you like each other, you can talk to each other and you find each other attractive. All the rest is and learning, acceptance and adapting.