Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

What if I told you that every relationship you attract is perfect even if it seems like a nightmare to you at the time.  When I say this to most of my clients, they do a double take.  

If all this sounds like one big paradox, then it’s probably because, like me, you were sold the illusion of what perfection is.  

I’m not suggesting you can’t meet someone really gorgeous who fulfils all the requirements on your Attraction Plan.   That is a total possibility AND it depends on how self-aware, self-correcting and evolved you are.     I am saying that the Law of Attraction isn’t quite as straightforward as some have professed.

Most of us have not yet ‘ascended’ to that place where life or anything else in it is perfect.   That’s because perfection is not some state you strive for, it’s in your attitude.  And I know, it’s not easy to just change an attitude that doesn’t work.   It’s often taken years of programming to put it in. That’s why coaches exist.  That’s why people pay to go on self awareness programs.  

Attitude is all

My friend Kayla , a down to earth, laugh a minute gal.   When breast cancer struck her at 32, she told me she looked down at her breast and said  ‘Well matey, you’ve obviously got some message for me.. .what is it?’ 

Instead of labelling this illness as a tragedy, she saw it as an opportunity to evaluate her life and make some changes.  

Filter, Sort and Label- how we create the illusion of ‘reality’

Humans are masters at creating illusion.  We are set up with a sort and filter system that specifices what data we take in and how we organize and label it.  The criteria for what we sort and filter are determined by the beliefs and values that have been insinuated into us from birth and evolved throughout our life.   As you can imagine, we miss a helluva lot of data like this.

So, life happens and our sort and filter system goes into action, followed swiftly by the labelling mechanism.  At the labelling stage we decide , based on a tiny selection of data and a set of mostly skewed belief systems, whether an event is good or bad.

Alicia lived with a violent partner for ten years before she found the courage to leave him and take refuge in a shelter.   Alicia’s upbringing and genetic make up were such that she had grown up to be submissive, eager to please and fearful of strong men.    Her self esteem was at zero.   Enter her former partner like a bee to the nectar sniffing out her weaknesses.   

This was a totally perfect relationship for Alicia.   Later looking back she was able to relabel the relationship.  She told me that the relationship was a catlyst that forced her out of her weakness and stirred up enough strength in her to take charge and take action in her life.     She relabelled from  being a ‘nightmare’ to a powerful  life learning experience

How the Attraction Plan works

Fortunately, with enough self awareness and willingness to evolve, we don’t all have to go through an experience like Alicias to realize what we really want and need.

Attraction planning is not making a wish, saying affirmations and waking up to find Prince or Princess Charming has arrived on your doorstep.  Attraction planning is a very powerful self awareness tool and prompt for change which helps you tune into more of who you are and replaces mixed signals with clear beacons of light.

When you begin to use strategic attraction planning, all kinds of things are revealed to you about you.  Part of the role of an attraction coach is to help you question youself and your desires throughout the process.    Your self awareness is heightened and you begin to home in on the personal qualities that you want to refine.  

Doing the attraction process also serves as a clarity beacon on dates.  Instead of jumping in because one of the qualities you want is predominant, your awareness is focused on your overall needs and thus you become more observant and you make much more considered, less impulsive decisions.  

In my experience, most of the clients I work with on their Attraction Plan have all kinds of imaginary demands and deal breakers which actually limit their choices.  Many people discover through coaching that their desires are either highly materially based or excessively emotionally needy. 

By working through it with a relationship or attraction coach, they learn to evaluate what they think they want and zone in on what is truly important.  They also learn where they are looking for someone to fill in the gaps that they need to fill in themselves.   

A change of sort can reap miracles

A friend of mine called me recently to share the tale of her new romance.  Love her as I do, I have watched her over the years constantly sorting for what I call the  ‘padded wallet’.   Looks weren’t anywhere near as important as the size of his money clip.    I watched and waited for it was not my place to coach her.

She was the kind of girl who had men buying her $500 shoes on a first date without having to do so much as kiss them.       She got exactly what she wanted to attract at the time - rich men who were prepared to empty their wallets because she was just so damned sexy.

I stood by and watched it unfold, seeing her attracting all kinds of very rich but highly unsuitable men, never allowing to surface the true depth of connection and vulnerability that I knew existed in her.    

Hallelujah! I’ve seen the light

Last week she shared with me her epiphany.   ‘Peta’, she said, ‘you won’t believe this.  I’m dating a guy with long hair who works as a carpenter and I went camping with him’.    It was difficult to imagine this of a woman who would have previously had a man lay down his cashmere overcoat for her to walk on before allowing a drop of mud to touch her precious pradas.  

She went on to say ‘You know I used to sort for finance, but something happened and I started to sort for the feeling’.    She’d been so bent on finding a rich man that she had cut off her intuitive feeling sensations.    

Sometimes we just don’t know what’s good for us.  Sometimes we just have to have the experience of a seemingly less than perfect relationship to realize what we really want.  All our relationships are perfect because they are simply small steps on our journey to evolving sufficiently to attracting a deeply satisfying intimate relationship.

How does Attraction Planning help?

When you begin to work on your attraction plan, keep this in mind.  As you write out your ‘wish list’ take the time to go inside and check on your intuitive feelings.  Ask yourself is this really what I want and am I asking for this because I feel personally lacking in this area? Ask youreslf  ‘will this really fulfill me in the deepest sense’

Question Yourself

The great thing about going through the Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is that instead of just writing down a wish list, you are encouraged at every turn to question and refine what you think you want.   And it doesn’t stop at a ‘what you want from them’ wish list.

And as you move through the four steps, you will find yourself evaluating just how worthy you are of what you want.  And you will learn what has to happen for you to attract this. And it will most likely require you to let go of certain personality traits that no longer serve you.

Mirror Mirror

Everything you attract will reflect where you are on your personal evolution timeline.    Be grateful for it, learn from it and let go of what doesn’t serve you.   NEVER ever say ‘if only, I’d done x, y or z’   This is a complete waste of time.  You have NO idea what would have happened if you’d married that guy or not spent ten years with the other.   

One client of mine used to constantly imagine how much better his life would have been if he’d got a degree instead of studying bookeeping.   I told him ‘you could have gone to college, walked across a road to meet the woman of your dreams and been run over by a truck’. 

We cannot know what life will bring us and there is only one thing we can be certain of.  Life has a way of highlighting all our fears and weaknesses.    We have the choice to learn the lesson swiftly or undergo repetitive relationship patterns until we get it.  

You will also be encouraged to reflect on the past week and consider what came up for you, what you noticed about what you’re attracting from the attitude of a store clerk to noticing people looking at you differently.    You learn to read the signs more accurately.

The Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is designed to help you bypass lots of the pain by focusing on what you really need and want and above all, what has to happen for you to attract that kind of bounty.

Check out our 4-part 6 hour attraction program and start attracting now!

with love
peta

Bodyenergy

Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..
Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions – When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.
What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here – they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change.

Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.
Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.

NLP Articles Dating Strategies 101 - An Update on the last Post

Making sense of it all - in a more NLP like way…

When we like someone and we are interested in them, after we spend time with them we need to process it    Sometimes we talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on.   And sometimes we write in a diary.  And sometimes we just let it go round and round in our head.  And it can get muddled up.

Some things can become more important than they need to be.    Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.

After an  encounter with a new  person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings I’m going to give you some pointers on the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head!      Feel  free to add in your own avenues of enquiry.

Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstacy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.

As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head.  The knowing is in your body.  Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’.  The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’   You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.

If on a date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.?  If it changed what happened?

Do you like this person?
What is it about them that you like
Can you talk to them?
How do you know?
Are you attracted to them?
How do you know?
Are there any serious values clashes?
How do you know? What are they?
If you were on a date, were you making decisions very early on? What were they based on?
What do you want to happen next?
What has to happen for that to happen?
What might be stopping you?
What did you learn about yourself?

And be sure when you’re filling in this information to awry of the assumptions you might be making
Assumptions and Judgements
As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.

Have you judged them about anything?   What evidence did you have?  Is it enough to convict them?  Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?

It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more.  Sometimes we can be very hasty.

Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.
What did you reveal?
What roles might you have been playing? Were you repeating any of your patterns.
How real were you being?  Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.
Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?

Did  you play any games? Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo I LOVE football .  What happens when they invite you to a game?

If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?

You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far.   You have embarked on the relationship journey.  You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself.  And you want to make it work.  Don’t you.

And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of  communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships.    And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.

Self-Awareness: How Do You Communicate?

How do you rate yourself as a communicator?

Are you effective, powerful and attractive or is there room for improvement?

The questions below are intended to make you think about how you communicate, what you communicate and how well you appear to be understood and where some improvement is required! As you read them through, pay attention to those scenarios that seem to leap out from the page. Notice how your body reacts and what thoughts you generate.

First of all, take a quick trip down memory lane to your schooldays.

• Were you ever asked to read out loud or perform to the class?
• Was it torture or did you enjoy it or was it somewhere in between?
• Did the teacher ever praise you or tell you off in front of the class?

Just notice whether this brings back unpleasant or pleasant feelings and then let them go and come back to the present.

Have you ever had a conversation where you felt that you were really in tune with the other person and they were in tune with you?

• What were they doing?
• What were you doing?

Have you ever had times when you felt as if you were having a big communication clash with someone?

• What is it that they said or did that didn’t work for you?
• What might you have been doing differently from them?

Are people rapt when you are talking or do you notice their attention wandering?

Do you find yourself regularly being asked to explain what you mean?

Do people respond to you in a way that leads you to believe they haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about? And more to the point, are you noticing this?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to speak up?

When you think about public speaking, do you:

• Get that sinking feeling and start to shake. It’s your greatest fear.
• Feel nervous because you’re not as good as you’d like to be in front of a group.
• Get excited because you love it.

What would it be like to stand up in front of a group and talk in such a way that you hold their attention and make them laugh and afterwards people come up to you and say, ‘That was great’?

When you are in a group, do you find yourself leading conversations or are you waiting for someone else to lead you?

When you talk to other people, do you sometimes think to yourself, ‘That’s not what I meant to say’?

When someone else is talking, are you hearing all of what they’re saying or are you analysing, making judgements or planning what you want to say in return?

How does it affect you when you make a statement and someone gives back a distorted analysis of it? Are you sometimes guilty of this yourself?

Has anyone ever said to you, ‘Listen to me!’ or ‘You’re not listening!’?

Do you tailor your conversation to suit the person you’re talking to or do you think, ‘Take me as you find me’?

Do you find it easy to persuade people to do things? How would you like more of that on tap?

Are there words or phrases that you use to excess?

Are you a fast talker or do you tend to speak … more … sloooowly?

Do you find it easier to converse with someone who puts in lots of detail or someone who paints a big picture?

When you start a conversation with someone new, do you put aside thoughts of how you might impress them and instead concentrate on finding out about them?
Now say ‘Yippee!’ because whatever ‘failings’ you think you have discovered, are going to be potent opportunities for you to develop into a charismatic communicator. And as a charismatic communicator you’ll find it easy to:

• develop and maintain a positive attitude towards yourself and others
• know what you want and expect the best
• make others feel comfortable, safe and relaxed with you
• get others to open out to you
• pay close attention
• gather information
• use the information to communicate in a way that’s personally compelling to people

In my Charismatic Communication 101 series, I’m give you some great insights and tips to get you started.

The Comfort Factor

Attractive communicators know that when people feel comfortable, they’re much more open to suggestion. Here are a few hints on how to make people feel relaxed.

Make Them Feel at Home

Pick the right place to talk. You might be happy to discuss personal stuff in the coffee room, but not everyone is. If you are about to communicate sensitive information, reprimand someone or ask them personal questions, pick a place where you can’t be overheard.

When someone else enters your space, it gives you the upper hand. Don’t abuse it. As the host, it’s your place to make easy for a guest to feel ‘at home’ in your environment. Don’t flaunt your power and sit behind your desk, for example, unless you deliberately want them to feel uncomfortable.

Similarly, if you are on their home ground, make up your mind to feel at home no matter what they do. Take responsibility for your own feelings and sense of personal power. Say to yourself, ‘If it is to be, it is up to me.’

Get on the Right Side of Them

I mean this literally. Most of us have a side on which it feels more comfortable to have other people stand or sit.  Sometimes we aren’t even aware of it, we just sense a little more discomfort if they’re on the wrong side.
So, if possible, let a person sit or stand or loll where they feel most comfortable. Wait till they’re settled and then ask them whether they’d be more comfortable with you on their right or left. A simple ‘Would you prefer it if I sat here or there?’ as you indicate each spot will do it.
If you are someone who tries to please other people too much, however, or always lets other people choose, you might want to take this opportunity to go for what makes you comfortable.

Equalize with Them

People who have an affinity with kids can often be found on the floor at ‘kid level’. They’re more into having fun with the kid than maintaining their status as superior adults. If you want to create equality in your communication, sit or stand beside someone on the same level. After all, you’re OK about who you are, aren’t you? You don’t need to put someone down or hide behind a fancy desk, do you?

Watch their Space

Before you approach someone, smile and made eye contact first. This tells them you’re friendly and safe. Don’t rush in and stand too close or ‘in their face’, or sneak up on them or take them by surprise, as you will step over the boundaries of their personal space. This is the distance we all need to keep between ourselves and another person. The amount we require varies. If we like a person and know them well, we will let them get much closer than a stranger can.

Be aware of a person’s personal space. If you dive in too close too quickly, they will feel invaded. Constantly check for ‘space invasion imminent’ warning signs. These are the signals that occur just before a person contracts and moves back. Small facial muscle changes, narrowing eyes and moving the chin backwards are all signs flashing up the message ‘Get any closer and I’m moving back.’ (See more detailed information on signals in the post NLP Communications – Reading Signals’.)

One good way to experiment with moving closer to people is to move gently in and out of their space. Make sure you are smiling and make brief but regular eye contact, then take a small step towards them and move backwards again. Continue to do this from time to time, moving a little bit closer each time. The small steps acclimatize a person to you and make them more willing to let you into their space.
People do all sorts of things in their personal space, including using the area in front of them like a projection screen. When they’re thinking about the future and possibilities, they tend to glance in front. So if you sit or stand directly in front of them, you could be in the space they use for viewing the contents of their mind’s eye! When you want someone to access their bliss spot or get a good picture of something you’re proposing, give them a clear line of sight ahead and stand aside.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
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Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.

You can’t be a great communicator without being a great people reader.

Attractive communicators are super-detectives of human signals. They’re alert to every little shift.

So, how open are you to what’s going on?

Many of us have developed a kind of protective bubble that keeps the world out. If you live in a busy city you will know the unnerving feeling of scurrying down a quiet street at dusk or being stuck in the middle of a crowd of drunks on a Saturday night. It’s not surprising we shut down. There are times when we don’t want to notice things and we don’t want to be noticed.

This is a protective mechanism and it works well when you use it selectively. What sometimes happens, though, is that we filter out the world. And it is not a good way to be if you need to pick up signals. Tune back into the world with the following exercise.

An Exercise to Sharpen Up your Senses

Take five days and every day make up your mind to use one sense more consciously.

Day 1: Look out for things. Notice what you see.
Day 2: Listen for sounds going on around you.
Day 3: Pay attention to bodily sensations.
Day 4: Sniff things out – what smells do you notice?
Day 5: Get a taste for life. What tastes do you come into contact with? What tastes do you get in your mouth?

Also, practise the body awareness exercises (see page 000), notice when you’re not paying attention and spend more time being present.

In communication, people often ask me what signals they should look out for and I say with a smile, ‘Anything that changes!’ Here are some useful types of change to look out for and some very general ideas as to what they could mean. Remember, it’s important to be open to interpretation.

There’s a great advert on British TV which shows a dishevelled guy wearing pretty scruffy clothing running crazily towards a man and starting to push him. Our first thought is likely to be that he’s going to attack that person. And then the camera angle switches and you see him pushing the man out of the way of falling bricks. Things aren’t always as they seem.

Forwards Movement

This could be a sign that a person is paying more attention or that they are on the alert for action. It could also mean that they can’t hear well or even that they are trying to get a closer whiff of your perfume.

Backwards Movement

Sometimes people move back when they want to think about something. It’s as if they need to give themselves more distance. This may be because it’s too much to contemplate all at once or because they sense a threat (real or imagined). .

Crossing Limbs

Sometimes people cross their limbs when they’ve received information that makes them uncomfortable or warns them they need more time to think. It may be a stalling tactic. When you cross your limbs, you are making it more difficult for the energy to flow. If you are trying to figure out a problem or to come unstuck from something, crossing your limbs could hinder you.

Rhythmical Movement

Notice any rhythmical movements people make when they’re talking. If they have a jagged rhythm or are very frenetic, that’s generally a hint that they’re having some thoughts that aren’t that useful. If their rhythm is paced and even, such as a gentle but slight nodding of the head or moving up and down of a foot, this generally indicates they’re enjoying something pleasant. When people talk about how they are at their best, they often fall into a rhythm as they experience it.

Hand Movement

Pay particular attention to the hands. They are one of the most expressive parts of our body, as anyone who has seen Italians talk will agree!
As we feel the urge to speak our hands often move. Sometimes when someone is about to speak but loses the opportunity you will see a hand somewhere up around their face. Look out for hands being moved upwards or outwards.

Sometimes people make a little gesture like this and then pull them back. This might be a sign that someone wants to say something. Or they might be thinking something and then stopped themselves for some reason.
People also use their hands to mark out things in the space around them. They’ll put their hands in a particular location when they’re describing something. A common example of this is when someone talks about ‘putting something behind them’ and moves their hands in a backwards movement.

A skilled communicator will be asking questions that get people into all sorts of states and will watch as they mark them all out in the space around them. When Sandy talked about a ‘fantastic opportunity’, for example, he lifted his left hand with the palm up and curled his fingers inwards and he moved his arm back and then forwards and stopped with a jolt. He was mapping out his representation of ‘fantastic opportunity’ in the space around him. That space is anchored to ‘fantastic opportunity.  If you want him to think of something as a fantastic opportunity you can point or look to the space as you tell him what you want.

Know What You Want and Expect the Best
All great communicators understand the power of focused expectation. When you keep in mind what kind of response you’re after, you will find it much easier to lead the conversation in that direction. But you have to really believe you’re going to get what you want.

Angie came to see me because she wanted to get married after five years of living with her partner, but when I asked her, ‘What do you expect to happen?’ her answer was quite different. She said, ‘He might worry about losing his freedom and get scared off.’ Angie’s expectations did not match her desires and that can cause problems, because your expectations will determine what you get.

When I asked Angie, ‘What has to happen to make marriage to Tom more likely?’ she came up with two ideas: ‘Maybe I could stop asking him where he’s been every time he goes out and trust him a bit more’ and ‘Maybe I should let him have more time to himself and learn to do some things on my own.’

I asked her, ‘How will that make it more likely to get what you want?’

Her reply said it all: ‘If Tom feels free when he’s with me, he’s going to be more open to marriage because he won’t be so scared of losing his freedom.’

Obviously, when someone else is involved, there’s never a guarantee that they will go along with what you want. But when you learn to think like this, you’re seriously increasing your chances of success.

There’s an old saying: ‘Energy follows thought.’ This suggests, quite rightly in my experience, that whatever you focus on finding is what you will find. So before you open your mouth, you may find it useful to build up an optimistic focus.

If there is something important that you wish to say to someone you are close to, I suggest you start by reminding yourself that there are some very good reasons why you are close to this person.
Take a moment or two to think loving thoughts of them, even if you are experiencing some anger or other unpleasant emotion towards them right now.

Let go of the old thoughts and just look around you. Pay attention to what’s happening, check out how your body feels and relax.

Then look at or think about the person you are about to communicate with. Send them some more loving thoughts.

If this is a communication with someone you have to reprimand in some way, maybe in a business or social context, remind yourself that this person is doing the best they can given all that has gone to make them the way they are today. You may not  know their history so you can’t imagine why they are doing what they are doing. Instead, just imagine that they have potential and that they do want to succeed.

Let go of any judgements and blame and think of how you want them to be. Keep this in mind so that you can use your linguistic wizardry skills to lead them away from murky thoughts towards somewhere much more open and ripe for constructive action.

If this is a business negotiation, remind yourself of what you already know. The best outcome in any negotiation is always win-win. Keep this firmly in mind.

How much do you know about the other person’s hopes and expectations? Keep asking yourself ‘What’s in it for them?’ and ‘What has to happen to make it work’? This focuses your mind away from barriers towards solutions and valuable results.

If your mind keeps bringing up those imaginary barriers, ask yourself: ‘What has to happen to dissolve, drive through or sail round the barriers?’

Take an imaginary step into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes and hear yourself communicating to them. What do you think is most important to them? Are you making it attractive to them?

This should help build up an optimistic attitude. I’ll cover linguistic skills in another post.

Give 100 Per Cent Attention
One of the biggest challenges for most of us is to give someone 100 per cent attention. Outwardly we may appear to be listening to them, but inside we may be mind reading, jumping to conclusions, rehearsing what to say, filtering, judging or daydreaming. If not reined in, our minds will board any passing express train of thought. Our thoughts will distract us, cloud our minds and block our receptivity to what’s going on. Have you ever been listening to someone and found yourself asking. ‘Sorry, what was that you said?’

Zen Masters used to come up behind their students and hit them hard on the head. It was to remind them that they weren’t present. If they had been, they’d have noticed and been able to take evasive action.
I’m not going to hit you on the head, but here’s another way to focus on what’s happening to your body.

Body Focus

Keep your eyes open and focus on the powerpoint area, just below your navel. Keep your attention there.
Imagine you’re aware of what’s going on inside your body – how the blood flows and so on.

Notice your feet and hands.

As you focus on your body, you will find it’s almost impossible to have thoughts.

Paying attention also means being relaxed. You are not thinking about what’s going to happen, you are not thinking what has happened, you are just there, in the present, as things are happening. That way you get pure information.  And you are much more likely to come up with a good response to it.
When you notice you’re flying ‘away with the fairies’, do the body focus exercise above and you’ll soon be back giving 100 per cent attention to what’s going on around you.

Facilitating Self Discovery

Susan’s boyfriend was very chaotic. As she got to know him , it dawned on her that he had all the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder. She thought it might be useful for him to realize that he wasn’t just a hopeless case, it was actually that his brain was wired differently.
She searched the internet and found a list of characteristics of people who have ADD tendencies. It had been compiled by a reputable MD who was also an ADD person himself. There were about 17 points, each explained in a paragraph with examples. Susan printed it off and handed it to her boyfriend. All she said was, ‘Just do me a favour and read through this list. How many of those things seem familiar?’

He ticked off 15 out of 17 points. Then she told him what it meant. She added that most ADD people were considerably more intelligent than average and had the ability to multi-task and that there were ways to cope with it.

Susan knew that it’s quite confrontational to diagnose or label people, so she made it easy for her boyfriend to make a discovery for himself.

There’s an old tried and tested formula for setting people on the road to discovery and that’s to ask questions based on  How, what, why, where and when?
Here are some great questions that facilitate self-discovery:

“What has to be true for that to be true?
‘How do you think you might…?’
‘In what way…?’
‘What do you think could be…?’
‘What difference might that make?’
‘Why might…?’
‘Why would that be useful?’
‘Where would you like to…?’
‘Where do you believe it comes from?’
‘When would be best for you to…?’
‘When might you be able to..?’
‘What would happen if…?’

Keep this in mind and always look for the route to self-discovery. No one likes a know-it-all, but most people are keen to know it all for themselves!

Of course even the most skilled communicators can’t force change on people who aren’t ready to change. But everyone can be supportive and use their skills to make the other person aware of possibilities and alternatives and be there to encourage them when they are ready.