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The 7 Emotional Gremlins and how to dissolve them

You know what I mean by voices in your head.  Everyone has them.  It’s your reaction to what’s going on around you moment by moment

Something happens, you take it in, your mind goes ‘I know what this means’ and the voices start.. and you label it  worry, envy, fear, criticism, anger, blame, shame . These are the 7 major gremlins that plague most of us.

The good news is you can stop those feelings and commentaries and when you do, all those great sensations, ideas, solutions and aha’s just flood in…

When you are present, the voices are not…

Now this isn’t necessarily easy but it is doable.  And even if you only get it once a day, that’s once a day more than before… these voices are pesky creatures and they put up a good fight…but you can silence them…and the more you practise, the quieter it gets…

 The key is to be present.  The ‘how’ will come as you read…

How often are you really here

Most of the time we’re not ‘here’. We’re thinking about what happened in the past or we’re planning or worrying about what might happen and sometimes we just zone out altogether.

Every time you have an accident whether it’s slipping, tripping, bumping into something or someone or something more serious, the chances are you weren’t fully present.   You were oblivious of what was going on around you..

When you’re worrying your backside off about this and that or putting yourself down, you aren’t here.  Well you are, but your ATTENTION is elsewhere and you miss all the cues and signals.

Cues and signals are out there all the time.   And when you learn to get present, you automatically pick up loads more signals. 

How useful is that?

Every moment you are consciously aware of yourself, in particular your physical body, BELOW the neck as well as above, is a moment you are present. 

Every time you notice you’re ‘away with the fairies’ or ‘zoned out’ you’re attention is NOT here and now.

Here and Now  is where the real juice flows. 

When you are fully aware of your body, when you can hear, see, feel, smell and taste everything as it goes on around you in REAL time… you are fully present.

Like this you are totally in the zone and ready for action..you are primed like a perfect mechanism to notice what’s going on around you AND as you become more adept, even to begin to sense in advance what’s about to happen, like Nicholas Cage in ‘Next’…..

Imagine being like this, feeling your body, aware of the little movements, your alignment, whether your neck is scrunched or not, how hunched or relaxed are your shoulders.. where do you feel tension in your muscles?

Can you lift your arm and feel that movement begins somewhere other than your arm…check out  and as you notice your breathing, where does it appear to go to.. your upper chest, your ribs or your belly?

How even is your breathing…slowly you can notice where it goes and how it flows..simply by putting your attention on it…. and even as you do your senses heighten

Sensually Aware

Imagine being with someone you love like this.. sensing all the nuances… as you touch every part of their body, slowly, feeling the energy in your fingertips or lips as they feel your touch…and respond to you…

This isn’t the stuff of erotic writing.. this is what’s possible when you learn how to be present and stay zoned in…

And when your attention strays, as soon as you notice it you’re back again…so noticing is not an opportunity to go ‘darn it I wasn’t here’ it’s a clue to go ‘great, I noticed that means I’m here’ and stay a little longer!!

You are in the now, present, here when you have conscious awareness of our body,  feeling your feet on the ground, noticing your breathing consciously, feeling your hands touching the mouse, the pad or the keyboard…even now as you read this, you can put your attention on any part of your body.. and zone into it noticing the sensations and the surrounds and slowly move your attention anywhere you choose…breathing as you do.. rhythmically, slowly…

And when you learn how to do this you can also begin to zone into how you are when you’re being totally and utterly YOU at YOUR BEST.

My facilitator training consisted of a lot of somatic work. That means that there was a lot of attention put on becoming aware of our bodies and that of our clients. 

We were regularly directed to notice in particular how our body shifts as we start to remember and access the feelings of being at our best.

And the more I was ‘in my body’ attention on it, the more I began to notice the minute micro muscular shifts other people made… I was learning how to pick up movement by noticing where it began and adumbrating it… which means I learned to know where they were going to move before they did…

Loving Sensitivity Increases

So, like this what’s it like when you’re with someone you love, picking up signals from them, being ready for what comes up, not defensive, but relaxed and comfortable… not thinking about something else or immediately making stuff up, but slowing down enough to wait and leave a pause, a space, a gap in between one thought and the next…

 Imagine how many cross words, arguments or fights this might stop before they run away with us.

Imagine how sensitive you become to your lover.. in all ways…knowing how to move from the shifts and sounds they make…knowing just what they want.. sensing it…before they do..

Imagine when you’re just hanging out with people being able to pick up their signals more clearly and not making stuff about what you imagine they might be thinking… just noticing what you notice…cos you’re in REAL TIME

How much easier would it be to allow someone to approach you or to approach someone like that, not yapping bad stuff to yourself, but just putting your attention on your body and then on the other person fully…

You can learn to do this with yourself and other people..people…

Dissolving unwanted ‘emotional disturbances’

When you begin to feel one of the 7 gremlins starting up, simply put your attention on the physical sensations of the feelings as soon as you notice them and follow these sensations in your body as they move and change.  

 Like this you are unable to chatter garbage to yourself.  You are unable to chatter, you just ARE.   

And the more you do it the more you automatically begin to notice when you’re off much more quickly and are able to get back on track much more easily.

Do Yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts

I do yoga.  Yoga brings me into present awareness through my body as I focus my attention on the journey I make into a pose.. slowly  noticing the moves and synching them to my breathing..

I have found this to be of immense value….and advise all my clients to take up something like yoga, tai chi, chi kung or any martial art where they are directed to experience their body… 

I don’t know how to express strongly enough … that this truly is the key…  

When we are Present, the voices are not

Simple solution  in theory AND it’s the journey of a lifetime to monitor, notice and readjust back to here and now.. but the rewards are HUGE!!!

Just keep noticing where they begin and follow those feelings in your body NOT in your head

Self-Awareness: How Do You Communicate?

How do you rate yourself as a communicator?

Are you effective, powerful and attractive or is there room for improvement?

The questions below are intended to make you think about how you communicate, what you communicate and how well you appear to be understood and where some improvement is required! As you read them through, pay attention to those scenarios that seem to leap out from the page. Notice how your body reacts and what thoughts you generate.

First of all, take a quick trip down memory lane to your schooldays.

• Were you ever asked to read out loud or perform to the class?
• Was it torture or did you enjoy it or was it somewhere in between?
• Did the teacher ever praise you or tell you off in front of the class?

Just notice whether this brings back unpleasant or pleasant feelings and then let them go and come back to the present.

Have you ever had a conversation where you felt that you were really in tune with the other person and they were in tune with you?

• What were they doing?
• What were you doing?

Have you ever had times when you felt as if you were having a big communication clash with someone?

• What is it that they said or did that didn’t work for you?
• What might you have been doing differently from them?

Are people rapt when you are talking or do you notice their attention wandering?

Do you find yourself regularly being asked to explain what you mean?

Do people respond to you in a way that leads you to believe they haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about? And more to the point, are you noticing this?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to speak up?

When you think about public speaking, do you:

• Get that sinking feeling and start to shake. It’s your greatest fear.
• Feel nervous because you’re not as good as you’d like to be in front of a group.
• Get excited because you love it.

What would it be like to stand up in front of a group and talk in such a way that you hold their attention and make them laugh and afterwards people come up to you and say, ‘That was great’?

When you are in a group, do you find yourself leading conversations or are you waiting for someone else to lead you?

When you talk to other people, do you sometimes think to yourself, ‘That’s not what I meant to say’?

When someone else is talking, are you hearing all of what they’re saying or are you analysing, making judgements or planning what you want to say in return?

How does it affect you when you make a statement and someone gives back a distorted analysis of it? Are you sometimes guilty of this yourself?

Has anyone ever said to you, ‘Listen to me!’ or ‘You’re not listening!’?

Do you tailor your conversation to suit the person you’re talking to or do you think, ‘Take me as you find me’?

Do you find it easy to persuade people to do things? How would you like more of that on tap?

Are there words or phrases that you use to excess?

Are you a fast talker or do you tend to speak … more … sloooowly?

Do you find it easier to converse with someone who puts in lots of detail or someone who paints a big picture?

When you start a conversation with someone new, do you put aside thoughts of how you might impress them and instead concentrate on finding out about them?
Now say ‘Yippee!’ because whatever ‘failings’ you think you have discovered, are going to be potent opportunities for you to develop into a charismatic communicator. And as a charismatic communicator you’ll find it easy to:

• develop and maintain a positive attitude towards yourself and others
• know what you want and expect the best
• make others feel comfortable, safe and relaxed with you
• get others to open out to you
• pay close attention
• gather information
• use the information to communicate in a way that’s personally compelling to people

In my Charismatic Communication 101 series, I’m give you some great insights and tips to get you started.

The Comfort Factor

Attractive communicators know that when people feel comfortable, they’re much more open to suggestion. Here are a few hints on how to make people feel relaxed.

Make Them Feel at Home

Pick the right place to talk. You might be happy to discuss personal stuff in the coffee room, but not everyone is. If you are about to communicate sensitive information, reprimand someone or ask them personal questions, pick a place where you can’t be overheard.

When someone else enters your space, it gives you the upper hand. Don’t abuse it. As the host, it’s your place to make easy for a guest to feel ‘at home’ in your environment. Don’t flaunt your power and sit behind your desk, for example, unless you deliberately want them to feel uncomfortable.

Similarly, if you are on their home ground, make up your mind to feel at home no matter what they do. Take responsibility for your own feelings and sense of personal power. Say to yourself, ‘If it is to be, it is up to me.’

Get on the Right Side of Them

I mean this literally. Most of us have a side on which it feels more comfortable to have other people stand or sit.  Sometimes we aren’t even aware of it, we just sense a little more discomfort if they’re on the wrong side.
So, if possible, let a person sit or stand or loll where they feel most comfortable. Wait till they’re settled and then ask them whether they’d be more comfortable with you on their right or left. A simple ‘Would you prefer it if I sat here or there?’ as you indicate each spot will do it.
If you are someone who tries to please other people too much, however, or always lets other people choose, you might want to take this opportunity to go for what makes you comfortable.

Equalize with Them

People who have an affinity with kids can often be found on the floor at ‘kid level’. They’re more into having fun with the kid than maintaining their status as superior adults. If you want to create equality in your communication, sit or stand beside someone on the same level. After all, you’re OK about who you are, aren’t you? You don’t need to put someone down or hide behind a fancy desk, do you?

Watch their Space

Before you approach someone, smile and made eye contact first. This tells them you’re friendly and safe. Don’t rush in and stand too close or ‘in their face’, or sneak up on them or take them by surprise, as you will step over the boundaries of their personal space. This is the distance we all need to keep between ourselves and another person. The amount we require varies. If we like a person and know them well, we will let them get much closer than a stranger can.

Be aware of a person’s personal space. If you dive in too close too quickly, they will feel invaded. Constantly check for ‘space invasion imminent’ warning signs. These are the signals that occur just before a person contracts and moves back. Small facial muscle changes, narrowing eyes and moving the chin backwards are all signs flashing up the message ‘Get any closer and I’m moving back.’ (See more detailed information on signals in the post NLP Communications – Reading Signals’.)

One good way to experiment with moving closer to people is to move gently in and out of their space. Make sure you are smiling and make brief but regular eye contact, then take a small step towards them and move backwards again. Continue to do this from time to time, moving a little bit closer each time. The small steps acclimatize a person to you and make them more willing to let you into their space.
People do all sorts of things in their personal space, including using the area in front of them like a projection screen. When they’re thinking about the future and possibilities, they tend to glance in front. So if you sit or stand directly in front of them, you could be in the space they use for viewing the contents of their mind’s eye! When you want someone to access their bliss spot or get a good picture of something you’re proposing, give them a clear line of sight ahead and stand aside.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
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Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.

You can’t be a great communicator without being a great people reader.

Attractive communicators are super-detectives of human signals. They’re alert to every little shift.

So, how open are you to what’s going on?

Many of us have developed a kind of protective bubble that keeps the world out. If you live in a busy city you will know the unnerving feeling of scurrying down a quiet street at dusk or being stuck in the middle of a crowd of drunks on a Saturday night. It’s not surprising we shut down. There are times when we don’t want to notice things and we don’t want to be noticed.

This is a protective mechanism and it works well when you use it selectively. What sometimes happens, though, is that we filter out the world. And it is not a good way to be if you need to pick up signals. Tune back into the world with the following exercise.

An Exercise to Sharpen Up your Senses

Take five days and every day make up your mind to use one sense more consciously.

Day 1: Look out for things. Notice what you see.
Day 2: Listen for sounds going on around you.
Day 3: Pay attention to bodily sensations.
Day 4: Sniff things out – what smells do you notice?
Day 5: Get a taste for life. What tastes do you come into contact with? What tastes do you get in your mouth?

Also, practise the body awareness exercises (see page 000), notice when you’re not paying attention and spend more time being present.

In communication, people often ask me what signals they should look out for and I say with a smile, ‘Anything that changes!’ Here are some useful types of change to look out for and some very general ideas as to what they could mean. Remember, it’s important to be open to interpretation.

There’s a great advert on British TV which shows a dishevelled guy wearing pretty scruffy clothing running crazily towards a man and starting to push him. Our first thought is likely to be that he’s going to attack that person. And then the camera angle switches and you see him pushing the man out of the way of falling bricks. Things aren’t always as they seem.

Forwards Movement

This could be a sign that a person is paying more attention or that they are on the alert for action. It could also mean that they can’t hear well or even that they are trying to get a closer whiff of your perfume.

Backwards Movement

Sometimes people move back when they want to think about something. It’s as if they need to give themselves more distance. This may be because it’s too much to contemplate all at once or because they sense a threat (real or imagined). .

Crossing Limbs

Sometimes people cross their limbs when they’ve received information that makes them uncomfortable or warns them they need more time to think. It may be a stalling tactic. When you cross your limbs, you are making it more difficult for the energy to flow. If you are trying to figure out a problem or to come unstuck from something, crossing your limbs could hinder you.

Rhythmical Movement

Notice any rhythmical movements people make when they’re talking. If they have a jagged rhythm or are very frenetic, that’s generally a hint that they’re having some thoughts that aren’t that useful. If their rhythm is paced and even, such as a gentle but slight nodding of the head or moving up and down of a foot, this generally indicates they’re enjoying something pleasant. When people talk about how they are at their best, they often fall into a rhythm as they experience it.

Hand Movement

Pay particular attention to the hands. They are one of the most expressive parts of our body, as anyone who has seen Italians talk will agree!
As we feel the urge to speak our hands often move. Sometimes when someone is about to speak but loses the opportunity you will see a hand somewhere up around their face. Look out for hands being moved upwards or outwards.

Sometimes people make a little gesture like this and then pull them back. This might be a sign that someone wants to say something. Or they might be thinking something and then stopped themselves for some reason.
People also use their hands to mark out things in the space around them. They’ll put their hands in a particular location when they’re describing something. A common example of this is when someone talks about ‘putting something behind them’ and moves their hands in a backwards movement.

A skilled communicator will be asking questions that get people into all sorts of states and will watch as they mark them all out in the space around them. When Sandy talked about a ‘fantastic opportunity’, for example, he lifted his left hand with the palm up and curled his fingers inwards and he moved his arm back and then forwards and stopped with a jolt. He was mapping out his representation of ‘fantastic opportunity’ in the space around him. That space is anchored to ‘fantastic opportunity.  If you want him to think of something as a fantastic opportunity you can point or look to the space as you tell him what you want.

Know What You Want and Expect the Best
All great communicators understand the power of focused expectation. When you keep in mind what kind of response you’re after, you will find it much easier to lead the conversation in that direction. But you have to really believe you’re going to get what you want.

Angie came to see me because she wanted to get married after five years of living with her partner, but when I asked her, ‘What do you expect to happen?’ her answer was quite different. She said, ‘He might worry about losing his freedom and get scared off.’ Angie’s expectations did not match her desires and that can cause problems, because your expectations will determine what you get.

When I asked Angie, ‘What has to happen to make marriage to Tom more likely?’ she came up with two ideas: ‘Maybe I could stop asking him where he’s been every time he goes out and trust him a bit more’ and ‘Maybe I should let him have more time to himself and learn to do some things on my own.’

I asked her, ‘How will that make it more likely to get what you want?’

Her reply said it all: ‘If Tom feels free when he’s with me, he’s going to be more open to marriage because he won’t be so scared of losing his freedom.’

Obviously, when someone else is involved, there’s never a guarantee that they will go along with what you want. But when you learn to think like this, you’re seriously increasing your chances of success.

There’s an old saying: ‘Energy follows thought.’ This suggests, quite rightly in my experience, that whatever you focus on finding is what you will find. So before you open your mouth, you may find it useful to build up an optimistic focus.

If there is something important that you wish to say to someone you are close to, I suggest you start by reminding yourself that there are some very good reasons why you are close to this person.
Take a moment or two to think loving thoughts of them, even if you are experiencing some anger or other unpleasant emotion towards them right now.

Let go of the old thoughts and just look around you. Pay attention to what’s happening, check out how your body feels and relax.

Then look at or think about the person you are about to communicate with. Send them some more loving thoughts.

If this is a communication with someone you have to reprimand in some way, maybe in a business or social context, remind yourself that this person is doing the best they can given all that has gone to make them the way they are today. You may not  know their history so you can’t imagine why they are doing what they are doing. Instead, just imagine that they have potential and that they do want to succeed.

Let go of any judgements and blame and think of how you want them to be. Keep this in mind so that you can use your linguistic wizardry skills to lead them away from murky thoughts towards somewhere much more open and ripe for constructive action.

If this is a business negotiation, remind yourself of what you already know. The best outcome in any negotiation is always win-win. Keep this firmly in mind.

How much do you know about the other person’s hopes and expectations? Keep asking yourself ‘What’s in it for them?’ and ‘What has to happen to make it work’? This focuses your mind away from barriers towards solutions and valuable results.

If your mind keeps bringing up those imaginary barriers, ask yourself: ‘What has to happen to dissolve, drive through or sail round the barriers?’

Take an imaginary step into their shoes. See yourself through their eyes and hear yourself communicating to them. What do you think is most important to them? Are you making it attractive to them?

This should help build up an optimistic attitude. I’ll cover linguistic skills in another post.

Give 100 Per Cent Attention
One of the biggest challenges for most of us is to give someone 100 per cent attention. Outwardly we may appear to be listening to them, but inside we may be mind reading, jumping to conclusions, rehearsing what to say, filtering, judging or daydreaming. If not reined in, our minds will board any passing express train of thought. Our thoughts will distract us, cloud our minds and block our receptivity to what’s going on. Have you ever been listening to someone and found yourself asking. ‘Sorry, what was that you said?’

Zen Masters used to come up behind their students and hit them hard on the head. It was to remind them that they weren’t present. If they had been, they’d have noticed and been able to take evasive action.
I’m not going to hit you on the head, but here’s another way to focus on what’s happening to your body.

Body Focus

Keep your eyes open and focus on the powerpoint area, just below your navel. Keep your attention there.
Imagine you’re aware of what’s going on inside your body – how the blood flows and so on.

Notice your feet and hands.

As you focus on your body, you will find it’s almost impossible to have thoughts.

Paying attention also means being relaxed. You are not thinking about what’s going to happen, you are not thinking what has happened, you are just there, in the present, as things are happening. That way you get pure information.  And you are much more likely to come up with a good response to it.
When you notice you’re flying ‘away with the fairies’, do the body focus exercise above and you’ll soon be back giving 100 per cent attention to what’s going on around you.

The Opening Moves

Communication is like a game of chess – you have to be aware of the potential moves and the effect they can have not just on the moment, but on the entire game. Each move you make will influence the move the other person makes and vice versa. If you make the first move, you are showing them the way and opening the channels.

The opening moves of any communication are vital. Get them right and you’ll go far…

Is It OK?

You know what it’s like when you are on your way out of the door and the phone rings – you pick up the phone or give them your attention because it might be something important and before you can say ‘I’m on my way out’ or ‘I haven’t any time right now’ they launch into a long tirade. Meanwhile you’re tapping your toes or looking at your watch and thinking about where you’ve got to be and how you might be late. The last thing on your mind is what they’re saying to you. If only they’d taken the time to ask if you had the time.

You can create a feelgood situation for people who find it difficult to stop and say ‘Not a good time right now’ .A simple courtesy question like this can make or break a communication. Before you begin to talk, check that it’s convenient:

‘Is this a good time for you?’
‘Can you spare me a few minutes to talk about…?’ (and make sure if you say ten minutes you don’t ramble on for half an hour!)
‘Can you talk?’
‘There’s something I want to discuss with you and it’s important, is now a good time?’
If you do this, the other person will feel respected. They’ll feel warm and open towards you. And even if they don’t have time, they’ll feel OK about saying so and will be more likely to agree to talk to you another time.
If they don’t have time to talk right now, make sure you find out when they will:
‘When would be a good time?’
‘Would you be able to talk tomorrow/next week?’
‘Can I call you this afternoon?’
‘Would it help if I called your secretary and made an appointment with her?’

Get some commitment to  further action, no matter how small, and then let them go on their way.

Beforeplay Questions

Of course ‘Is this a good time to talk?’ won’t be the only question you might want to ask. And sometimes just asking a question directly can be a little harsh. That’s why good communicators use what I call ‘question foreplay’.

These phrases are a gentle way of leading into a question:

‘I’m curious to know whether…’
‘Would you share with me…?’
‘I’d appreciate your telling me…’
‘I wonder whether…’
‘I hope you won’t mind telling me…’
The following phrases give the impression that you’re asking permission to ask a question:
‘I wonder if you’d mind me asking…?’
‘Can I ask you a question…?’
‘Would it be OK for me to ask you…?
‘I’d like to ask you a bit more about…’
‘There’s something I want to clarify, so would you be able to answer a couple of questions?’
‘Would you mind if I asked you…?’

All of these will help put people at their ease. As will a little chit-chat.

The Power of Chit-Chat

When I was training to be a facilitator and therapist, I was taught the importance of starting every encounter with a casual conversation. Chit-chat, as I call it, puts people at their ease. It is a great form of social lubrication. It reduces tension and helps people relax and open out, and if you’re paying attention and ask the right questions, it can give you a real insight into their patterns of motivation. Chit-chat can be a really powerful communication tool.

I am particularly fond of ‘agreeable chit-chat’, or the art of getting someone to nod their head. Sales people call it the ‘yes set’. When you get someone to nod their head and agree with you about simple things, they’re much more likely to agree with the important stuff.

Keep your ears and eyes open for an opening. You can talk about your journey, the weather, the place you are in, new laws, traffic, living in town/the country/by the sea, seasonal events or any frivolous current event. Here are a few ideas:

If someone has a dog or a child: ‘Oh isn’t he/she lovely? What a gorgeous baby/dog/child!’

If there’s something particularly outstanding, like the child’s great hair or the dog’s lovely markings: “What fantastic markings!’ ‘Aren’t those blond curls delightful?’

When you see someone smile: ‘You’ve got something to smile about?’

If you’re in a busy bar: ‘It’s very busy in here. I’m surprised because it’s not usually like this on a Wednesday.’ (Of course it has to be something that’s true – no use saying that if it is busy on Wednesdays!)

When it’s sunny: ‘It’s so sunny today.’

If you’ve been waiting in a queue for a long time: ‘It’s amazing we’ve been here for so long’ or ‘They’ve got three tills closed over there’ or ‘They seem to have only one person on at lunchtime.’

When someone is having fun: ‘It’s great to see someone having fun.’

When picking topics for agreeable chit-chat, go with what’s happening right at that moment. The topics should be familiar to the person you’re talking to and the statements you make should be easy to agree with.

Use chit-chat as an opportunity to sound out, observe or get a feel for the person you’re going to talk to. As their comfort level increases, they will give you more clues as to how they tick. The more you let them chit-chat, the more information you’ll get about what they believe, what motivates them and how they do things. Then you will find it much easier to slide in those important questions you want to ask or the vital points you want to make.

Sometimes you can even be a bit naughty and fake it. I was visiting a friend in their flat and met their rather crotchety neighbour on the stairs. She was decorating the midline of the stairwell wall with flowered edging paper. I would never have anything remotely like that in my home, but I recognized that it was her taste. She’d be thinking how much she liked the paper.

I imagined how happy she might feel about it and then said, ‘That’s nice edging.’ She nodded and told me that she’d got the same in her flat and that she loved pale green and pink and that she thought it made the hallways of the apartment block look more like a home and less like anonymous stairwells. And the more she chatted about what she liked, the happier she became.

I knew that one of this woman’s pet ‘niggles’ was to monitor the building. She’d been known to reprimand visitors who’d left their bikes inside the apartment entrance. Which was what I’d just done.
So I said, ‘Yes, it’s important to have that feeling of being at home. It feels kind of safe. I know you won’t mind my leaving my bike there for a while, it’s a bit unsafe outside and I know that everyone in this block trusts their neighbours…’

How could you use chit-chat to lubricate the workings of your life?

Facilitating Self Discovery

Susan’s boyfriend was very chaotic. As she got to know him , it dawned on her that he had all the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder. She thought it might be useful for him to realize that he wasn’t just a hopeless case, it was actually that his brain was wired differently.
She searched the internet and found a list of characteristics of people who have ADD tendencies. It had been compiled by a reputable MD who was also an ADD person himself. There were about 17 points, each explained in a paragraph with examples. Susan printed it off and handed it to her boyfriend. All she said was, ‘Just do me a favour and read through this list. How many of those things seem familiar?’

He ticked off 15 out of 17 points. Then she told him what it meant. She added that most ADD people were considerably more intelligent than average and had the ability to multi-task and that there were ways to cope with it.

Susan knew that it’s quite confrontational to diagnose or label people, so she made it easy for her boyfriend to make a discovery for himself.

There’s an old tried and tested formula for setting people on the road to discovery and that’s to ask questions based on  How, what, why, where and when?
Here are some great questions that facilitate self-discovery:

“What has to be true for that to be true?
‘How do you think you might…?’
‘In what way…?’
‘What do you think could be…?’
‘What difference might that make?’
‘Why might…?’
‘Why would that be useful?’
‘Where would you like to…?’
‘Where do you believe it comes from?’
‘When would be best for you to…?’
‘When might you be able to..?’
‘What would happen if…?’

Keep this in mind and always look for the route to self-discovery. No one likes a know-it-all, but most people are keen to know it all for themselves!

Of course even the most skilled communicators can’t force change on people who aren’t ready to change. But everyone can be supportive and use their skills to make the other person aware of possibilities and alternatives and be there to encourage them when they are ready.

Be Word-Aware
When you pay attention to someone’s words and use them back to them, they feel cherished and recognised. Practise like this

Listen to someone speaking on a video, or video an interview.

Act as if you’re talking to them and playing back their phrases, for example: ‘So, Trevor, what you said was that Bush had announced economic sanctions on Zimbabwe.’

Check back with the video that you’ve used the correct words in the correct order and not left anything out or added anything in.
This takes practice, but it’s a really useful skill.

Remember the Three ‘A’s of Listening
Julie Soskin, who runs the School of Insight and Intuition, reminded me of her three keys for listening:

Appreciate the person you are with and focus on the possibilities.

• Give them your absolute attention, be present and enjoy their presence.
• Affection can make a communication go with a real bang and it doesn’t have to be sexual. A smile, a friendly wink, a hand on the shoulder or a pat on the arm are all thoughtful, non-threatening and affectionate forms of behaviour that show someone you care and are there for them.

I’m sure you’d agree that it’s nice to be appreciated, listened to and given warmth.
Facilitate and Empower

Have you ever gone to a friend with your problems and been treated to whole load of advice? Generally, though, you aren’t looking to be told what to do, even if you actually ask, ‘What should I do?’ In these situations, what we really want, even if we don’t realize it, is for someone to listen to us and to help us to make up our own minds.
Attractive communicators do not dish out advice. They know the conversation is more likely to be a positive one if they encourage the other person to make their own decisions. But they aren’t averse to helping them get clear and then throwing in a few subtle suggestions.

When I worked for Henry as a trainer at Happy Computers he taught me the difference between telling someone what to do and allowing them to discover it for themselves. This was a big challenge when helping people to learn something as technical as computer software.

Henry’s cardinal rule was: ‘Ask, don’t tell.’ So, instead of telling people what to do, if I wanted people to do something, I’d point them to the menu and say something like ‘Which menu do you think you select to insert a picture? Look at the menu bar and try it out.’ Of course they all got the emphasized words ‘insert’ and picture’ into their heads and felt jolly good as they found out for themselves.

If they had a question, instead of answering it immediately myself, I’d ask the rest of the group. Often one of them had the right answer.
At other times I’d ask them how they thought they might do a particular thing they’d not yet learned. I’d indicate their manuals and say, ‘Why not look it up for yourselves?’ Once again, they all felt great because they felt as if they’d discovered rather than swallowed the new information. Big difference.

It doesn’t matter how many clues and suggestions you give people, as long as they’re subtle. If people have a sense that they’re making the decision or discovery for themselves, they will feel empowered.