Archive for the ‘flirting’ Category

Flirting Signals Exposed

We all know what a v-sign means – or do we? Depending on which way the hand is facing you could interpret it as a sign of victory or a very rude gesture! In England raising the two fingers with the inside of the hand facing towards yourself means ‘f**k off. BUT, if you come from the jungles of Peru it might mean absolutely nothing to you at all!

Language, be it communicated by the mouth or by the body, is a very complex business indeed. In times gone by women used a complex signalling system involving fans and eyes to flirt. Gay men adopted a great system of sexual signalling that involves keys, pockets and handkerchiefs! Unfortunately no manufactured system, sexual or otherwise really exists in the heterosexual world. In the absence of an overt dictionary of signals it’s easy to either get it wrong or miss the signals altogether because our signalling system is mainly unconscious.

Human beings are naturally endowed with an inbuilt mechanism for sending out signals. It is part of our primitive need to reproduce our DNA and subsequently ourselves. We do it all the time. What we need is to polish up our ability to notice and then interpret the signals. When you develop this skill the world becomes a richer place. Opportunities that were previously unnoticed seem to leap out at you from all directions. [I often wonder what an opportunity leaping looks like !].

Richard Bandler, the founder of NLP [Neuro Linguistic Programming, a field of psychology that specialises in reprogramming our perceptions of the word and recognising how we and others operate] , told me that when he ran a flirting class one of the biggest challenges was getting the participants to notice the signals from the opposite sex. He lined up the men and the women, told the women to give out interested signals and 3/4 of the men failed to notice the signals!

We need not only to be able to recognise but also calibrate signals. This means observing someone and being able to know what their special signals are. We also need to understand what effect our emotional body language signals have on others so that we can modify our transmissions to be clearer and more effective. As my friend and co-trainer on the Las Vegas Flirtopia event in September 2000, Jonathan Altfeld [see NLP Links page] says “we have to teach them to become super bio-feedback machines for each other”.

Blind Date - a treasure trove

Blind Date is a programme that was popular all over the world. Each week couples are sent on a blind date and are filmed during the time they are together. They are then interviewed individually afterwards. I watch this programme every week because it’s full of superb examples of signal ‘botching’. The couple I watched recently were being filmed on the plane. She was looking at him with the flirtiest eyes I’ve seen for ages. Her smile, her body movements all said ‘I am interested’. Later when they were interviewed she said ‘He didn’t seem interested’. He replied ‘but she didn’t give me any signs’.

What transpired was that because he was a ‘touchy-feely’ person [his own words] a touch expressed interest for him. He didn’t notice her eyes. What would have happened if he had been more aware of the variety of signals that women give out and what would have happened if she had tried using a different sensory system to transmit her signals? I don’t know but it’s something to think about.

Touch, sight and sound

We communicate via our five senses. Most of us do not utilise our senses equally all the time. When expressing and perceiving data, we often use one system more heavily than another. For example, some of us use ‘visual words’ like ‘a light at the end of the tunnel’ as opposed to ‘kinaesthetic’ words like ‘it was a weight off my mind’. The guy on Blind Date described himself as a ‘touchy feely’ person.

People who operate out of the ‘feeling’ sense look for ‘feeling’ signals. The girl on the other hand kept saying ” I looked at you all the time”. She expected him to pick up on her very visual signals..

Interestingly enough another Blind Date series showed a girl telling the camera how she was sure the guy fancied her, even though she didn’t feel the same way about him. I noticed while they were sitting together on the settee and chatting he touched her several times. His comment to her remark was ‘You are mistaking friendliness for fancying you’.

So, you see, it’s not just the girlies that send out the wrong signals. While this was a clear cut example of mixed signals from him, the first example was clearly a case, not of mixed, but of missed signals!

Sharpen up the senses

Flirting isn’t just about sending out signals it’s about becoming more aware of what other people are doing.

We can learn to fine-tune our senses. When you develop the ability to perceive things like skin colour changes, voice tone, breathing rate changes and eye movement, you are developing your database of signals. When you have enough data you can begin to pattern the information and make sense of signaling. .As this happens you will become more aware of the signals you send out AND the reactions they provoke.

Man/woman roles

In the Blind Date scenario the man was waiting for the girl to give him signals before he acted. They stuck to the traditional man/woman roles and they both missed out. What would have happened if, instead of waiting for a touch, he sent out his own strong signals? Would she have noticed them? What would she have read them as? This opens up a whole area for debate. When you attend a Flirting Weekend you will have opportunities to explore all these dilemmas and how we can unconsciously precipitate them with careless signaling. Someone once said to me “Simple awareness is sometimes curative”. I like that concept.

Richer signals

Once we are more aware of our signaling mechanisms, we can also learn to vary the signals we give out so that we have more chance of getting our message across. When I touch someone on the shoulder to say a kind word, I make sure my eyes are saying the same thing as my hand and my voice tone. Successful flirts know how to send out the signals without saying a word and when your ‘quarry’ is seated across a crowded restaurant, that can be a mighty useful skill!

We all have our idiosyncratic emotional body language signals. Some women twirl their hair or lick their lips, a man might twiddle his tie or rub his chin. There are some commonly used signals and there are some very individual ones.   In my flirting weekend, we did exercises that are geared to fine tuning our ability to a) notice signals and b) respond with clear signals. We delve into the whole world of signals and start to create our own dictionaries which we can add to with each new experience. You will begin to recognise patterns. We can then use those patterns to interpret other people’s signals and transmit clearer and richer ones. You can say it with your noses, your lips, your eyes, your posture and even your clothes.

Once you begin to learn this stuff, your interpretation of the world changes and instead of jumping to conclusions you begin to see things in a new light, as you get to grips with the signals of flirting.

30 Minute relationship assessment call with the Flirt Coach
Copyright © 1999 - 2009 Peta Heskell

The 7 Emotional Gremlins and how to dissolve them

You know what I mean by voices in your head.  Everyone has them.  It’s your reaction to what’s going on around you moment by moment

Something happens, you take it in, your mind goes ‘I know what this means’ and the voices start.. and you label it  worry, envy, fear, criticism, anger, blame, shame . These are the 7 major gremlins that plague most of us.

The good news is you can stop those feelings and commentaries and when you do, all those great sensations, ideas, solutions and aha’s just flood in…

When you are present, the voices are not…

Now this isn’t necessarily easy but it is doable.  And even if you only get it once a day, that’s once a day more than before… these voices are pesky creatures and they put up a good fight…but you can silence them…and the more you practise, the quieter it gets…

 The key is to be present.  The ‘how’ will come as you read…

How often are you really here

Most of the time we’re not ‘here’. We’re thinking about what happened in the past or we’re planning or worrying about what might happen and sometimes we just zone out altogether.

Every time you have an accident whether it’s slipping, tripping, bumping into something or someone or something more serious, the chances are you weren’t fully present.   You were oblivious of what was going on around you..

When you’re worrying your backside off about this and that or putting yourself down, you aren’t here.  Well you are, but your ATTENTION is elsewhere and you miss all the cues and signals.

Cues and signals are out there all the time.   And when you learn to get present, you automatically pick up loads more signals. 

How useful is that?

Every moment you are consciously aware of yourself, in particular your physical body, BELOW the neck as well as above, is a moment you are present. 

Every time you notice you’re ‘away with the fairies’ or ‘zoned out’ you’re attention is NOT here and now.

Here and Now  is where the real juice flows. 

When you are fully aware of your body, when you can hear, see, feel, smell and taste everything as it goes on around you in REAL time… you are fully present.

Like this you are totally in the zone and ready for action..you are primed like a perfect mechanism to notice what’s going on around you AND as you become more adept, even to begin to sense in advance what’s about to happen, like Nicholas Cage in ‘Next’…..

Imagine being like this, feeling your body, aware of the little movements, your alignment, whether your neck is scrunched or not, how hunched or relaxed are your shoulders.. where do you feel tension in your muscles?

Can you lift your arm and feel that movement begins somewhere other than your arm…check out  and as you notice your breathing, where does it appear to go to.. your upper chest, your ribs or your belly?

How even is your breathing…slowly you can notice where it goes and how it flows..simply by putting your attention on it…. and even as you do your senses heighten

Sensually Aware

Imagine being with someone you love like this.. sensing all the nuances… as you touch every part of their body, slowly, feeling the energy in your fingertips or lips as they feel your touch…and respond to you…

This isn’t the stuff of erotic writing.. this is what’s possible when you learn how to be present and stay zoned in…

And when your attention strays, as soon as you notice it you’re back again…so noticing is not an opportunity to go ‘darn it I wasn’t here’ it’s a clue to go ‘great, I noticed that means I’m here’ and stay a little longer!!

You are in the now, present, here when you have conscious awareness of our body,  feeling your feet on the ground, noticing your breathing consciously, feeling your hands touching the mouse, the pad or the keyboard…even now as you read this, you can put your attention on any part of your body.. and zone into it noticing the sensations and the surrounds and slowly move your attention anywhere you choose…breathing as you do.. rhythmically, slowly…

And when you learn how to do this you can also begin to zone into how you are when you’re being totally and utterly YOU at YOUR BEST.

My facilitator training consisted of a lot of somatic work. That means that there was a lot of attention put on becoming aware of our bodies and that of our clients. 

We were regularly directed to notice in particular how our body shifts as we start to remember and access the feelings of being at our best.

And the more I was ‘in my body’ attention on it, the more I began to notice the minute micro muscular shifts other people made… I was learning how to pick up movement by noticing where it began and adumbrating it… which means I learned to know where they were going to move before they did…

Loving Sensitivity Increases

So, like this what’s it like when you’re with someone you love, picking up signals from them, being ready for what comes up, not defensive, but relaxed and comfortable… not thinking about something else or immediately making stuff up, but slowing down enough to wait and leave a pause, a space, a gap in between one thought and the next…

 Imagine how many cross words, arguments or fights this might stop before they run away with us.

Imagine how sensitive you become to your lover.. in all ways…knowing how to move from the shifts and sounds they make…knowing just what they want.. sensing it…before they do..

Imagine when you’re just hanging out with people being able to pick up their signals more clearly and not making stuff about what you imagine they might be thinking… just noticing what you notice…cos you’re in REAL TIME

How much easier would it be to allow someone to approach you or to approach someone like that, not yapping bad stuff to yourself, but just putting your attention on your body and then on the other person fully…

You can learn to do this with yourself and other people..people…

Dissolving unwanted ‘emotional disturbances’

When you begin to feel one of the 7 gremlins starting up, simply put your attention on the physical sensations of the feelings as soon as you notice them and follow these sensations in your body as they move and change.  

 Like this you are unable to chatter garbage to yourself.  You are unable to chatter, you just ARE.   

And the more you do it the more you automatically begin to notice when you’re off much more quickly and are able to get back on track much more easily.

Do Yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts

I do yoga.  Yoga brings me into present awareness through my body as I focus my attention on the journey I make into a pose.. slowly  noticing the moves and synching them to my breathing..

I have found this to be of immense value….and advise all my clients to take up something like yoga, tai chi, chi kung or any martial art where they are directed to experience their body… 

I don’t know how to express strongly enough … that this truly is the key…  

When we are Present, the voices are not

Simple solution  in theory AND it’s the journey of a lifetime to monitor, notice and readjust back to here and now.. but the rewards are HUGE!!!

Just keep noticing where they begin and follow those feelings in your body NOT in your head

NLP Articles Dating Strategies 101 - An Update on the last Post

Making sense of it all - in a more NLP like way…

When we like someone and we are interested in them, after we spend time with them we need to process it    Sometimes we talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on.   And sometimes we write in a diary.  And sometimes we just let it go round and round in our head.  And it can get muddled up.

Some things can become more important than they need to be.    Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.

After an  encounter with a new  person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings I’m going to give you some pointers on the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head!      Feel  free to add in your own avenues of enquiry.

Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstacy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.

As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head.  The knowing is in your body.  Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’.  The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’   You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.

If on a date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.?  If it changed what happened?

Do you like this person?
What is it about them that you like
Can you talk to them?
How do you know?
Are you attracted to them?
How do you know?
Are there any serious values clashes?
How do you know? What are they?
If you were on a date, were you making decisions very early on? What were they based on?
What do you want to happen next?
What has to happen for that to happen?
What might be stopping you?
What did you learn about yourself?

And be sure when you’re filling in this information to awry of the assumptions you might be making
Assumptions and Judgements
As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.

Have you judged them about anything?   What evidence did you have?  Is it enough to convict them?  Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?

It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more.  Sometimes we can be very hasty.

Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.
What did you reveal?
What roles might you have been playing? Were you repeating any of your patterns.
How real were you being?  Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.
Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?

Did  you play any games? Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo I LOVE football .  What happens when they invite you to a game?

If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?

You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far.   You have embarked on the relationship journey.  You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself.  And you want to make it work.  Don’t you.

And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of  communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships.    And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.

Self-Awareness: How Do You Communicate?

How do you rate yourself as a communicator?

Are you effective, powerful and attractive or is there room for improvement?

The questions below are intended to make you think about how you communicate, what you communicate and how well you appear to be understood and where some improvement is required! As you read them through, pay attention to those scenarios that seem to leap out from the page. Notice how your body reacts and what thoughts you generate.

First of all, take a quick trip down memory lane to your schooldays.

• Were you ever asked to read out loud or perform to the class?
• Was it torture or did you enjoy it or was it somewhere in between?
• Did the teacher ever praise you or tell you off in front of the class?

Just notice whether this brings back unpleasant or pleasant feelings and then let them go and come back to the present.

Have you ever had a conversation where you felt that you were really in tune with the other person and they were in tune with you?

• What were they doing?
• What were you doing?

Have you ever had times when you felt as if you were having a big communication clash with someone?

• What is it that they said or did that didn’t work for you?
• What might you have been doing differently from them?

Are people rapt when you are talking or do you notice their attention wandering?

Do you find yourself regularly being asked to explain what you mean?

Do people respond to you in a way that leads you to believe they haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about? And more to the point, are you noticing this?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to speak up?

When you think about public speaking, do you:

• Get that sinking feeling and start to shake. It’s your greatest fear.
• Feel nervous because you’re not as good as you’d like to be in front of a group.
• Get excited because you love it.

What would it be like to stand up in front of a group and talk in such a way that you hold their attention and make them laugh and afterwards people come up to you and say, ‘That was great’?

When you are in a group, do you find yourself leading conversations or are you waiting for someone else to lead you?

When you talk to other people, do you sometimes think to yourself, ‘That’s not what I meant to say’?

When someone else is talking, are you hearing all of what they’re saying or are you analysing, making judgements or planning what you want to say in return?

How does it affect you when you make a statement and someone gives back a distorted analysis of it? Are you sometimes guilty of this yourself?

Has anyone ever said to you, ‘Listen to me!’ or ‘You’re not listening!’?

Do you tailor your conversation to suit the person you’re talking to or do you think, ‘Take me as you find me’?

Do you find it easy to persuade people to do things? How would you like more of that on tap?

Are there words or phrases that you use to excess?

Are you a fast talker or do you tend to speak … more … sloooowly?

Do you find it easier to converse with someone who puts in lots of detail or someone who paints a big picture?

When you start a conversation with someone new, do you put aside thoughts of how you might impress them and instead concentrate on finding out about them?
Now say ‘Yippee!’ because whatever ‘failings’ you think you have discovered, are going to be potent opportunities for you to develop into a charismatic communicator. And as a charismatic communicator you’ll find it easy to:

• develop and maintain a positive attitude towards yourself and others
• know what you want and expect the best
• make others feel comfortable, safe and relaxed with you
• get others to open out to you
• pay close attention
• gather information
• use the information to communicate in a way that’s personally compelling to people

In my Charismatic Communication 101 series, I’m give you some great insights and tips to get you started.

The Face

The face is a very telling organ and it talks incessantly. We are all familiar with obvious facial movements like raised eyebrows and a downturned mouth. But what about the not so obvious ones?
Skin Colour Change

Skin colour can change with emotion. When someone is ‘hot around the collar’ they’re experiencing a temperature rise and increased blood flow in the neck. These changes are common in the cheeks, the neck and the area just below. Conversely, people can go ‘as white as a sheet’, when there is a noticeable drain of blood from the surface of the skin.  Provided there isn’t a sudden rush of icy wind or a rapid rise in temperature, or the person isn’t about to keel over because they’re physically ill,  you can assume that the skin colour change is due to a powerful emotion.

Minute Muscle Movement

People make unconscious micro-muscular movements.  When you can detect these, you’re getting early warning information about change.

Pay particular attention to the nose and the mouth. People tend move their mouth and nose from side to side very slightly when they’re sizing up something or trying to make a decision. They may also incline their head in opposite directions.
The muscles of the mouth move a lot even when we’re not saying anything. Generally upwards movements are more likely to indicate a positive thought than downwards movements.

Notice how the forehead muscles twitch before they form a frown or the eyebrows narrow.
I’ve noticed quite a lot of my clients licking their lips as they’re accessing their bliss spot. Often their tongue pokes out just a tiny bit and then retreats. When I point it out to them, they are often quite unaware of having done it. Sometimes I just say, ‘Is that tasty?’ … and they light up.

Multi-Tasking Eyes

I’m not at all surprised that the eyes are referred to as the windows to the soul. Not only do they express widest range of emotions, from absolute contempt to deep love, but they also move around in very specific ways as we take in and process information from the outside world.

As you ask someone a question, pay particular attention to where their gaze goes. People cast their gaze in different directions depending on what emotions and thoughts they are accessing and what they’re feeling in their body.

People also use their eyes to visualise things in the space above and to each side of them. It’s like one big cinema up there. When people create images in their mind’s eye, it’s as if they’re projecting it somewhere in the space around them. You can sometimes see someone look out and then move their eyes [and body] back. They’re moving back from the image they see or trying to step out of it to get more distance.

People also move their eyes to specific locations when they’re doing specific things such as remembering or talking to themselves. When you hear a noise, unbeknown to you, your eyes will move towards the direction of the noise. The same thing happens when you talk to yourself – your eyes move towards your ears. They might move to the left or right or go back and forth between the two.

If you notice someone doing this it means they’re having an internal dialogue.
When I notice clients doing this I might say to them, ‘So what are you saying to yourself?’ They look surprised, as if I’ve read their minds. I’m not telepathic; I’m very observant!

Often when people want to visualize, they look up and to their left and right. Don’t mistake this as a lack of attention because they’ve not looking at you. They need to look up to enhance their ability to visualize. They’ll look down when they’re ready. Be patient. If it’s appropriate you can ask, ‘So what does that look like to you?’ or ‘How does that seem?’

When we look down we are often thinking. I was teaching a class a while back and noticed one of the participants looked down most of the time. When I asked her if she’d had trouble in school, she nodded. ‘The teachers always accused me of not paying attention and told me to look up.’ But it was obvious that looking down helped her think. It was her way of learning. In the same way, when someone looks down, give them time, they’re just thinking.

And when most people are accessing un-useful thoughts, they have a specific direction in which they gaze. Knowing this can be very useful.
When people begin to display signs of negative emotions bubbling up, notice where they are looking. Sometimes by redirecting them to look elsewhere you can avoid them becoming overwhelmed by unpleasant emotions.
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Pre-signals
Some of the above are ‘pre-signals’ to the more obvious body language we’re used to noticing. They’re useful because sometimes by the time you get the obvious signals, it’s too late. The opportunity is missed, or worse still, the damage is done.
Take personal space invasion. When I ask people, ‘How do you know you’re too close?’ they always say, ‘The other person moves back.’ And I reply, ‘And then it’s too late, you’ve invaded their space.  If you are able to pick up the signals they give out before they move back, you’ll be able to stop yourself invading.’

When moving closer to people, be on the alert for slight changes in the eyes, often an almost impeceptible narrowing. Watch out for the chin moving back towards the neck. When you get those signals, stop.

Picking up the early formative signals always puts you ahead of the game. You get more time to take immediate action, change what you’re doing or accommodate yourself to what’s to come. That split-second can make or break a communication.

The Opening Moves

Communication is like a game of chess – you have to be aware of the potential moves and the effect they can have not just on the moment, but on the entire game. Each move you make will influence the move the other person makes and vice versa. If you make the first move, you are showing them the way and opening the channels.

The opening moves of any communication are vital. Get them right and you’ll go far…

Is It OK?

You know what it’s like when you are on your way out of the door and the phone rings – you pick up the phone or give them your attention because it might be something important and before you can say ‘I’m on my way out’ or ‘I haven’t any time right now’ they launch into a long tirade. Meanwhile you’re tapping your toes or looking at your watch and thinking about where you’ve got to be and how you might be late. The last thing on your mind is what they’re saying to you. If only they’d taken the time to ask if you had the time.

You can create a feelgood situation for people who find it difficult to stop and say ‘Not a good time right now’ .A simple courtesy question like this can make or break a communication. Before you begin to talk, check that it’s convenient:

‘Is this a good time for you?’
‘Can you spare me a few minutes to talk about…?’ (and make sure if you say ten minutes you don’t ramble on for half an hour!)
‘Can you talk?’
‘There’s something I want to discuss with you and it’s important, is now a good time?’
If you do this, the other person will feel respected. They’ll feel warm and open towards you. And even if they don’t have time, they’ll feel OK about saying so and will be more likely to agree to talk to you another time.
If they don’t have time to talk right now, make sure you find out when they will:
‘When would be a good time?’
‘Would you be able to talk tomorrow/next week?’
‘Can I call you this afternoon?’
‘Would it help if I called your secretary and made an appointment with her?’

Get some commitment to  further action, no matter how small, and then let them go on their way.

Beforeplay Questions

Of course ‘Is this a good time to talk?’ won’t be the only question you might want to ask. And sometimes just asking a question directly can be a little harsh. That’s why good communicators use what I call ‘question foreplay’.

These phrases are a gentle way of leading into a question:

‘I’m curious to know whether…’
‘Would you share with me…?’
‘I’d appreciate your telling me…’
‘I wonder whether…’
‘I hope you won’t mind telling me…’
The following phrases give the impression that you’re asking permission to ask a question:
‘I wonder if you’d mind me asking…?’
‘Can I ask you a question…?’
‘Would it be OK for me to ask you…?
‘I’d like to ask you a bit more about…’
‘There’s something I want to clarify, so would you be able to answer a couple of questions?’
‘Would you mind if I asked you…?’

All of these will help put people at their ease. As will a little chit-chat.

The Power of Chit-Chat

When I was training to be a facilitator and therapist, I was taught the importance of starting every encounter with a casual conversation. Chit-chat, as I call it, puts people at their ease. It is a great form of social lubrication. It reduces tension and helps people relax and open out, and if you’re paying attention and ask the right questions, it can give you a real insight into their patterns of motivation. Chit-chat can be a really powerful communication tool.

I am particularly fond of ‘agreeable chit-chat’, or the art of getting someone to nod their head. Sales people call it the ‘yes set’. When you get someone to nod their head and agree with you about simple things, they’re much more likely to agree with the important stuff.

Keep your ears and eyes open for an opening. You can talk about your journey, the weather, the place you are in, new laws, traffic, living in town/the country/by the sea, seasonal events or any frivolous current event. Here are a few ideas:

If someone has a dog or a child: ‘Oh isn’t he/she lovely? What a gorgeous baby/dog/child!’

If there’s something particularly outstanding, like the child’s great hair or the dog’s lovely markings: “What fantastic markings!’ ‘Aren’t those blond curls delightful?’

When you see someone smile: ‘You’ve got something to smile about?’

If you’re in a busy bar: ‘It’s very busy in here. I’m surprised because it’s not usually like this on a Wednesday.’ (Of course it has to be something that’s true – no use saying that if it is busy on Wednesdays!)

When it’s sunny: ‘It’s so sunny today.’

If you’ve been waiting in a queue for a long time: ‘It’s amazing we’ve been here for so long’ or ‘They’ve got three tills closed over there’ or ‘They seem to have only one person on at lunchtime.’

When someone is having fun: ‘It’s great to see someone having fun.’

When picking topics for agreeable chit-chat, go with what’s happening right at that moment. The topics should be familiar to the person you’re talking to and the statements you make should be easy to agree with.

Use chit-chat as an opportunity to sound out, observe or get a feel for the person you’re going to talk to. As their comfort level increases, they will give you more clues as to how they tick. The more you let them chit-chat, the more information you’ll get about what they believe, what motivates them and how they do things. Then you will find it much easier to slide in those important questions you want to ask or the vital points you want to make.

Sometimes you can even be a bit naughty and fake it. I was visiting a friend in their flat and met their rather crotchety neighbour on the stairs. She was decorating the midline of the stairwell wall with flowered edging paper. I would never have anything remotely like that in my home, but I recognized that it was her taste. She’d be thinking how much she liked the paper.

I imagined how happy she might feel about it and then said, ‘That’s nice edging.’ She nodded and told me that she’d got the same in her flat and that she loved pale green and pink and that she thought it made the hallways of the apartment block look more like a home and less like anonymous stairwells. And the more she chatted about what she liked, the happier she became.

I knew that one of this woman’s pet ‘niggles’ was to monitor the building. She’d been known to reprimand visitors who’d left their bikes inside the apartment entrance. Which was what I’d just done.
So I said, ‘Yes, it’s important to have that feeling of being at home. It feels kind of safe. I know you won’t mind my leaving my bike there for a while, it’s a bit unsafe outside and I know that everyone in this block trusts their neighbours…’

How could you use chit-chat to lubricate the workings of your life?

Boost their Ego 1
There aren’t many of us who don’t enjoy a good ego boost. And clever communicators know that people are more responsive when they’re in a good mood. The gentle art of ego-boosting is a very powerful tool.

Celebrate Good News

Attractive communicators react positively to other people’s good news. They also know how to lead people away from gloom towards possibilities. How about you? Do you help people to see through the clouds to the sun?
When attractive communicators spot a good news boat, they jump on board and join in the celebrations. Superlative words and phrases like ‘Wow!’, ‘Splendid!’, ‘Excellent!’ or ‘That’s amazing!’, ‘Well done, you’, ‘You’re so talented, clever, smart…’ roll off their tongues. They are physically expressive and may jump up and down or clap their hands or open their faces wide. They may touch you in some way – patting your back, placing a hand on your shoulder or arm, or even taking your hand and shaking, patting or squeezing it. And whatever they do will be done with a level of energy that matches yours.
Who wouldn’t want to have people like that in their life? And what fun it is to be like that. Enthusiasm is a positive emotion that generates lots of immune-boosting chemicals in your body.  Makes sense to take a dose of it every day, doesn’t it.
If you feel the need to exercise your enthusiasm muscle, here’s a simple plan to get you up and running.

Enthusiastic words

Here are some ways you can really amplify someone’s good feelings

Hint 1

Make a list of ‘enthusiastic’ words, the kind of words you say when you’re really impressed by something, words like ‘Wow!’, ‘Great!’ and ‘Fantastic!’ Choose ones that suit you and practise saying them with a smile on your face and genuine enthusiasm. Put power and expression into your voice. Go well over the top so that you stretch yourself. When you come to do it for real you won’t go as far as that, but you’ll find it easy to generate more enthusiasm.

Hint 2

When someone tells you some good news it’s your cue to bring out one of your enthusiastic words. Select the word that seems right to you. Put a lot of sound into it. Don’t be afraid to let rip. Be bold and loud! Fizzle and sparkle! Imagine you can see the word written out in bold in a colour that you love with lots of exclamation marks after it.

Hint 3

Add the word into a sentence which more or less repeats what it is that the person is so pleased about. If, for example, they’ve just told you they passed their driving test after four attempts, say something like ‘Wow, you must be really pleased that after all those attempts you finally made it!’

Hint 4

If you can, touch them reassuringly and say something like ‘I’m impressed’ or ‘How do you do it?’ or ‘You have every right to feel proud/excited/pleased.’ By doing this you are giving them permission to feel good and celebrate themselves in the presence of another person – you!
Touching them at the same time as uttering a uplifting celebratory phrase has the delicious side-effect of linking their excitement to your words and touch.
Hint 5

Get them to tell you about the experience. Ask questions that lead them to focus on the good bits. ‘What was the best moment?’ ‘What did it feel like when you found out?’ Be excited and you will amplify their own good feelings.

Hint 6

Pat them on the back or squeeze their hand or clap your hands and say once again (using your own words), ‘Well done, that’s great news!’
You’ll leave them feeling on top of the world and feeling very positive towards you.

We may be a bunch of converted Perrier drinkers, but the holidays is one of those times when temptation is all around.  The hottest guest at the office gathering is our old ‘buddy’ Mr Alcohol.  He’s the first one we make for when we arrive and often he’s the one we’re still chasing when the party winds down.

If you spend too long in Mr A’s company, you run the risk of waking the next day, not just with a bad head but with that awful sinking feeling that something happened at the party but you can’t quite remember.  And you know you’ve done something you shouldn’t have.   Don’t worry; you’ll be reminded soon enough, because you can guarantee some kind person is spreading the tale of your exploits.

As one who has consumed gallons of alcohol at office parties and committed and witnessed enough mind-boggling gaffes to fill a book, my advice is drink only enough to feel merry and as soon as you do, STOP.  If you must spend time with Mr A, try spending a little time with Mrs Snacks and Dr Water as well!  The office party is a time to keep your wits about you, not lose them completely.  Save the wild stuff for New Years Eve, safe in the company of friends who know you well!

The office party can be a great opportunity to develop relationships, get better acquainted with that person you’ve been drooling over all year, get to know the boss, bond with your staff, and have a hoot with your colleagues.

Getting closer to the boss

At one office party in a well-known corporation I discovered the CEO, signing his name in felt pen on the twin jewels of one his employees. That’s NOT what I mean by betting closer to the boss.

The Holidays is a time to give presents. And if you enjoy your work, and the company of your colleagues, you have a whole closet full of goodies to dole out that won’t cost you a dime. I’m talking about ‘compliments’ and ‘thank you’s’. Use the party as an opportunity to informally tell people how much you appreciate them.    It’s an opportunity to look back on the good times during the year and get them feeling good about the future.

The office party is also a fantastic opportunity to interact with the people who count in a friendly relaxed environment.    This is NOT brownnosing.  Strong and powerful people can sniff that out in a moment.   This is about keeping your power and acknowledging theirs.

Use the opportunity to make a connection, introduce yourself, say something complimentary about the organisation [you have to believe what you say] Your aim is to make them aware of who you are and leave them with positive feelings about YOU.     They will be much more receptive to you whenever you need to approach them formally.

Getting closer to that special person

If you’ve been lusting after someone you work with, use the opportunity to find out if they really are a potential match for you.   A vague but honest introduction such as ‘I’ve seen you around and had this feeling I’d enjoy getting to know you better’…. works as well as any.   If they seem amenable, get to know what makes them tick, what they love doing, what’s important to them.

If your judgement is blurred by too much spirit-ual intake, you will miss or misinterpret their signals, and you might find yourself going further than is appropriate.

If your feelings are boiling over and you feel compelled to confess all, make sure to do it somewhere private, well beyond earshot of colleagues.  If you get a knockback, at least you’ll spare yourself the shame of public rejection and if romance does kick give it time to develop naturally before the office gossips take over.  A romance at work is a bit like a celebrity affair; it’s lived out in the limelight of the office fluorescents and broadcast on gossip TV. Be prepared!

Spreading the compliments of the season

The office gathering is also a great chance to mend fences, get to know someone who’s not like you or just get into the seasonal spirit of goodwill and peace by being nice to everyone for no good reason.

Bring your sack of compliments and give them out to everyone.  If someone’s hair looks good or you like something they’re wearing tell him or her.   If your employees have gone that extra mile or done some top work, tell them how much you appreciate them and give due praise for their special qualities. Don’t be like an accountant friend of mine who, when a client praised the cheeriness of his receptionist, made sure not to tell her ‘in case she got too bigheaded’.  Compliment the boss too. If he or she has helped you along, or manages you well, now’s the time to let them know how much you appreciate it.

If there are people you’ve clashed with, avoided or who appear very different from you, seek them out.   Find out about them.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised, I guarantee.    If their culture is different, ask them about what festivals they celebrate and what kind of special things they do and eat.    Ask them questions about how they spend their time out of the office; what they’re passionate about.  Smile, laugh and be nice for no good reason.

When you enter into the spirit of things in a less spirit-fuelled way you could have a fantastic experience that will set the tone for the year to come.

You see, I actually forgot how persuasive a certain very simple flirting 
strategy can be — to increase the responsiveness of potential flirting
subjects/partners.

For years now, I’ve been studying influence, flirting, & persuasion 
skills for so long — I learned that overall — the more influential &
 powerful I became with the technology of NLP (Neuro Linguistic
Programming), the less indirect and the less covertly influential I had 
to be — to invoke the same powerful emotions — easily & naturally.

If you still don’t know what NLP is, check out this link http://www.altfeld.com/mastery/geninfo/new.html

As a result of developing myself with these skills over time, I’ve re
lied less & less on “tactics” and moved more towards being real with 
people — that is, being real ***WITH*** these skills honed sharp, as 
opposed to “being real” but socially uninformed, unrefined & unaware.

This distinction is Very, Very Important. 

Being real does have countless advantages.

Being other-than-real with
 people will often be detected, even amongst the people least aware of
technologies such as NLP. 

And still, using certain strategies when the situations call for it –
on top of being real — has many other useful advantages.

I think I’ll 
keep reminding myself of this from now on.

Last year I  visited Sydney Australia to run a weekend seminar
(”Linguistic Wizardry”), and during the evenings before the seminar, one
 of my Aussie associates had set up a few social evening outings for me
– in which I would meet up with several other NLP enthusiasts, and, for
 want of a better term, show off a bit….Go out flirting, essentially.

 And what I wanted to set up was — I wanted to run some “cold-reading”
techniques, whereby in a scant few minutes, I’d learn so much about
another person, they get the impression I’m either amazingly naturally
 insightful — or psychic. And no, I don’t think I’m psychic.

If you’ve been on one of my lists for a while, you’ve heard me mention
 handwriting analysis before as one of the great ways to lead into
 NLP-based flirting, because nearly everyone can do handwriting without
 explanation, whereas NLP takes way too long to explain to people who 
don’t know anything about it.

The interim result is usually to get an audience of 1 or more highly
 responsive people. Then often — depending on the environment — this
 can lead to a line of people waiting to learn more about themselves.
 Which gives me open opportunities to flirt as I do my thing.

Well, I planned to have the guys I was meeting — find women they wanted 
to test me with. Our first real opportunity of the evening was while we
 were seated outside at a large restaurant/bar in North Sydney (the Oaks
in Neutral Bay, for any readers local to Sydney!). Near our table,
there was a group of three people. Two women, and one man. I had 
planned to have our group invite the ladies over to test me with
 handwriting analysis. In point of fact, there was no “testing” to be
 done, as I already know how accurate it can be; it was more to create
 opportunities to use NLP while flirting with them, and demonstrate the 
fun that can be created for all parties.

So one of our guys got up & started towards their table. Then another of 
the guys in my group — who was the first to admit how pushy he could be
 in some flirting situations — said to the fellow who’d stood up,

“Go for the guy. Don’t ask the women.”

I heard a bell ring somewhere inside my head — with immediate
 recognition of the power of the strategy. I knew it would work. And I
was laughing out loud because somehow, I’d forgotten how powerful it
 could be; I’d discarded it without any clear reason — from my common 
behavior.

So after the first guy stood up, and the 2nd guy gave his 
instructions, I added:

”Don’t just not ask the women. 
Instead, completely ignore them for now.”

The aim was to have the guys at our table invite the guy from the table
 of 3 — to test my handwriting analysis (i.e., personality cold-reading) 
skills. And to completely ignore the women. The aim was to create a 
response inside their minds of intrigue & curiosity. And build inside 
their minds — the desire to have it done for them too.

So the guy at that table initially declined the suggestion! But guess 
what: The women at his table — convinced him to do it!  2 minutes 
later, he came over to get his handwriting done. And while I began to 
do the reading, one of our guys got the women to come over to judge how 
accurate I was.

Now they were part of what was going on — but
 still NOT the center of any of the men’s attention. For want of a
 better description — that created a “void” of attention that they were
 used to getting from groups of men.

My aim, in spite of this process/strategy — was to create a fun time 
for everyone. I had no ulterior motives. I believe that
 less-than-positive ulterior motives will bleed through in our
 unconscious behavior & communication, so had I not had good intentions 
for everyone, the strategy would have been experienced more as a 
deceptive tactic. Not useful. And not related to what I was doing.

 Anyhow, without fail, this strategy led rapidly to the girls asking to 
have their handwriting done. And that led to us finding out a LOT about
 the other group. We found out that one of the women was the guy’s 
sister, and the other was his girlfriend. We found out a lot about all
 three of them.

Often, people will volunteer incredibly personal 
information about themselves — because within just a couple of minutes, 
we’re not strangers at all anymore — I’d know more about them than most
 of their acquaintances would know. And of course, everyone had a great 
time.

Afterwards, I thought about this a bit further. I think it would work 
similarly for both genders. I.e., let’s say you’re a guy out with a
 group of other guys, and you see a group of women out with a smaller
 group of men. Apart from obvious clues, sometimes figuring out who’s
 with whom — and who’s available, can be tricky.

One of the best ways
 to connect up with people in that other group, is to find a way to get 
rapport with the *guys* in that other group, in a way that creates 
curiosity & interest within the ladies in that group. That may seem
 counter-intuitive to what you’re really interested in — but it may be
 one of the fastest routes towards getting rapport with those women — in
 a way that doesn’t offend any of the guys they’re with.

Conversely — let’s say you’re a woman out for a night on the town with
 the girls, and you see a group of people, mostly men, with a few women 
amongst them. First of all, chances are you’re going to be able to read
 what’s going on from the body language better than men would, but let’s
 say you don’t know entirely who’s with whom, and you want to step into
 that group setting somehow. Why not first gain some social acceptance 
from the women first, thereby putting yourself more closely into the
 awareness of the men in that group. Let things develop first by 
involving the women in the group. Then, perhaps once you’re more
 closely involved in talking with the women there — you’ll learn better
 which of the men may fancy you — or — which of them *you* fancy the 
most.

So — once again I’ll sheepishly remind myself of the value of strategic
tactics used for GOOD purposes. Sometimes it’s worth remembering they 
can & do have power.

Perhaps you’ve done something along these lines before, and are reminded
 as I write — how useful they might be?

Or perhaps this is new to you
?

If you have questions about how I (& the guys I went out with) did this
– or perhaps I’m not explaining the process well enough for your
 tastes, drop me an email or post a reply below. I’ll take it to another level for you, and
 help you make something like this strategy work more easily for you.

Happy flirting, flirtopians!