Archive for August, 2009

What is Flirting?

The dictionary on my bookshelf defines flirting as “Behaving or acting amorously without emotional commitment.” Well, that’s one definition but, like me, you probably realise that there are also many other definitions of flirting. I have chosen a very generic definition of flirting on which to base my creation of the Flirting Weekend. This is because I feel it is important for people to realise that flirting can be a natural way of communicating with anyone as well as a way of communicating either amorous or sexual interest or both!

I recently discovered that the word ‘flirting’ has its roots in the old French word ‘fleurter’ meaning ‘to flower’ I like that. Here’s my definition.

Flirting is shining your inner light via your words and deeds in such a way that people are irresistibly drawn to you.

Flirting is a natural gift that we have had from birth. Babies flirt wildly with everyone that comes their way. Unfortunately many adults seem to have lost this wonderful ability. Somewhere along the line we were [wrongly in my opinion] told that it was bad to draw attention to ourselves that little children should be seen and not heard. Some people have grown into adults that are neither seen nor heard. But there is hope you can learn to flirt again.

Flirting is a signaling mechanism that was bestowed upon us by nature. It is a communication tool. Sigmund Freud said that we leak the truth from every pore. We all have patterns of physical reaction that we exhibit. The secret is knowing the patterns of others and being aware of our patterns. For example it is useful to be know what reaction certain behaviours you do create in others. The reaction might be very different to the reaction you are intending to create. We are all gifted with the ability to signal. Many of us need to learn to read how our signals affect others and what signals we can send out to convey certain messages. This goes hand in hand with the ability to decipher other people’s signals.

Flirting is our natural way of expressing interest in people. A smile bestowed here, a shared giggle or a word exchanged in the supermarket line can be a powerful thing. Flirting can be a prelude to friendship or a prelude to mating. Once you know how to do it you can choose how to use it. Great flirts do it with everyone, babies, men, women dogs and cats. People who flirt well get what they want in life because they know how to create good feelings in other people.

I am a natural flirt – I love communicating and I find myself initiating conversation with strangers wherever I go.

When I go outside in the world I get an overwhelming sense of possibility and anticipation. I know that I have the opportunity to connect with someone new each day. When I encounter someone who looks good I often turn round and say ‘great dress’ or ‘neat tie’ as I pass by.. Sometimes I place my hand on someone’s shoulder or tap them on the arm and say ‘I just wanted to say – you have lovely hair’. I have NEVER had a rebuff. Quite the contrary. The warm smile that comes over the faces of people I encounter gives me a real buzz. And it costs absolutely nothing.

One word of warning. It’s no use telling a grossly overweight person what a lovely trim figure they have! People can spot insincerity a mile off. I always make sure to compliment only those attributes or adornments that I really do like. MORE after this message

I go running sometimes on the seafront. I just enjoy smiling and saying ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’ to EVERYONE I meet. I know that someone will take that smile and pass it on to someone else…who knows what positive knock-on consequences it might have.

Life goes at a fast pace and many of us are rushing around with our heads full of what we have to do, what we haven’t done, what’s bothering us, what we want to happen. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own inner world. Every so often it’s important to come outside, pay attention to what’s going on in the world and acknowledge that we all share the same planet and a kind word or a genuine smile goes a long way to maintaining our membership of the human race as opposed to becoming merely a human racing!

There are many different types of flirting. For example, you can flirt sexually or non-sexually. The key is to know what you want to achieve and what are the right signals for your purpose. When I was in a relationship, my partner once asked me why, as an attractive and very flirty woman, I don’t have men beating down the door to ask me out. I believe it is because I sent out the signals that say, I like you, I want to enjoy your company, but I’m not available. When you are flirting for fun and not to attract a partner, it is very important to differentiate.

The way someone might flirt with their partner or lover will be very different from the way they will flirt with the supermarket checkout person and different still from flirting with a business associate. Yes, you can flirt at work and steer clear of sexual harassment. The key is to know which signals to send out to whom and for what reason!

When I was fourteen, I was an indiscriminate, unsophisticated and wanton flirt. I also looked a lot more sophisticated and worldly wise than I was. If a boy looked at me, I looked back at him and played it for all it was worth hitching up my already micro skirt, pouting, smiling and generally beckoning. The less diplomatic amongst us might define my behaviour as ‘prick teasing’.

One day on holiday in Italy, after accepting, behind my parents’ back, a date with one of the handsome young waiters I had been wildly flirting with, I found myself up against the wall as he eagerly tried to remove my clothes. Fortunately, I extracted myself from the situation.

Looking back I realised that I had been ‘flirting for England’. I was too young to realise what effect my flirting was having on a hot-blooded young man. The fact is that he stopped when I asked him but he might not have been such a gentleman. We all know that rape is wrong and that no woman asks to be raped. At the same time we need to be able to know what signals we are sending out especially when in the company of people whose judgment might be clouded by alcohol or other substances.

My wild and highly sexual flirting could have increased my chances of being ‘date-raped’. They were obviously misread by the young waiter. As a woman it is important to know why we are flirting and which kind of flirting we should be using. There are times when we see someone, we want them and we flirt as a sexual come-on andthat’s great, when you know what you want and go for it. But when we do not have that intention in mind we need to flirt accordingly.

This will help to maximise your safety and keep your signals clean. If you don’t differentiate you could find yourself in a sticky situation. Of course, wild sexual flirting can be a marvellous bonus in a relationship.

The ability to decipher and transmit signals effectively can be learned – I teach it in my playshops. If you want to find out more about signals read my article.

The ability to flirt well comes from an inner belief in one’s own self worth. Some of the best flirts are not your ‘chocolate-box’ beauties or your ‘Chippendale’ hunks. . They are people who feel confident that they have something to offer the world and enjoy creating good feelings in other people. They are the clever ones because they know that when you make other people feel good, it bounces right back onto you!

Richard Bandler, the originator of NLP, says that wallflowers are very selfish because they, of all people, know how painful it is to sit alone on the sidelines yet they continue to deprive all those other poor wallflowers of a gentle word, a warm sound or a bright touch.

Do you want to be a selfish, lonely wallflower or do you want to send out your light into the world and be one of those people that everyone wants to be with.

When you learn to flirt successfully and accurately, you can change the world you live in and reap for yourself an endless supply of smiles, happiness, laughter, fun and love.

30 Minute Relationship/Attraction Coaching Call with The Flirt Coach

Flirting Signals Exposed

We all know what a v-sign means – or do we? Depending on which way the hand is facing you could interpret it as a sign of victory or a very rude gesture! In England raising the two fingers with the inside of the hand facing towards yourself means ‘f**k off. BUT, if you come from the jungles of Peru it might mean absolutely nothing to you at all!

Language, be it communicated by the mouth or by the body, is a very complex business indeed. In times gone by women used a complex signalling system involving fans and eyes to flirt. Gay men adopted a great system of sexual signalling that involves keys, pockets and handkerchiefs! Unfortunately no manufactured system, sexual or otherwise really exists in the heterosexual world. In the absence of an overt dictionary of signals it’s easy to either get it wrong or miss the signals altogether because our signalling system is mainly unconscious.

Human beings are naturally endowed with an inbuilt mechanism for sending out signals. It is part of our primitive need to reproduce our DNA and subsequently ourselves. We do it all the time. What we need is to polish up our ability to notice and then interpret the signals. When you develop this skill the world becomes a richer place. Opportunities that were previously unnoticed seem to leap out at you from all directions. [I often wonder what an opportunity leaping looks like !].

Richard Bandler, the founder of NLP [Neuro Linguistic Programming, a field of psychology that specialises in reprogramming our perceptions of the word and recognising how we and others operate] , told me that when he ran a flirting class one of the biggest challenges was getting the participants to notice the signals from the opposite sex. He lined up the men and the women, told the women to give out interested signals and 3/4 of the men failed to notice the signals!

We need not only to be able to recognise but also calibrate signals. This means observing someone and being able to know what their special signals are. We also need to understand what effect our emotional body language signals have on others so that we can modify our transmissions to be clearer and more effective. As my friend and co-trainer on the Las Vegas Flirtopia event in September 2000, Jonathan Altfeld [see NLP Links page] says “we have to teach them to become super bio-feedback machines for each other”.

Blind Date - a treasure trove

Blind Date is a programme that was popular all over the world. Each week couples are sent on a blind date and are filmed during the time they are together. They are then interviewed individually afterwards. I watch this programme every week because it’s full of superb examples of signal ‘botching’. The couple I watched recently were being filmed on the plane. She was looking at him with the flirtiest eyes I’ve seen for ages. Her smile, her body movements all said ‘I am interested’. Later when they were interviewed she said ‘He didn’t seem interested’. He replied ‘but she didn’t give me any signs’.

What transpired was that because he was a ‘touchy-feely’ person [his own words] a touch expressed interest for him. He didn’t notice her eyes. What would have happened if he had been more aware of the variety of signals that women give out and what would have happened if she had tried using a different sensory system to transmit her signals? I don’t know but it’s something to think about.

Touch, sight and sound

We communicate via our five senses. Most of us do not utilise our senses equally all the time. When expressing and perceiving data, we often use one system more heavily than another. For example, some of us use ‘visual words’ like ‘a light at the end of the tunnel’ as opposed to ‘kinaesthetic’ words like ‘it was a weight off my mind’. The guy on Blind Date described himself as a ‘touchy feely’ person.

People who operate out of the ‘feeling’ sense look for ‘feeling’ signals. The girl on the other hand kept saying ” I looked at you all the time”. She expected him to pick up on her very visual signals..

Interestingly enough another Blind Date series showed a girl telling the camera how she was sure the guy fancied her, even though she didn’t feel the same way about him. I noticed while they were sitting together on the settee and chatting he touched her several times. His comment to her remark was ‘You are mistaking friendliness for fancying you’.

So, you see, it’s not just the girlies that send out the wrong signals. While this was a clear cut example of mixed signals from him, the first example was clearly a case, not of mixed, but of missed signals!

Sharpen up the senses

Flirting isn’t just about sending out signals it’s about becoming more aware of what other people are doing.

We can learn to fine-tune our senses. When you develop the ability to perceive things like skin colour changes, voice tone, breathing rate changes and eye movement, you are developing your database of signals. When you have enough data you can begin to pattern the information and make sense of signaling. .As this happens you will become more aware of the signals you send out AND the reactions they provoke.

Man/woman roles

In the Blind Date scenario the man was waiting for the girl to give him signals before he acted. They stuck to the traditional man/woman roles and they both missed out. What would have happened if, instead of waiting for a touch, he sent out his own strong signals? Would she have noticed them? What would she have read them as? This opens up a whole area for debate. When you attend a Flirting Weekend you will have opportunities to explore all these dilemmas and how we can unconsciously precipitate them with careless signaling. Someone once said to me “Simple awareness is sometimes curative”. I like that concept.

Richer signals

Once we are more aware of our signaling mechanisms, we can also learn to vary the signals we give out so that we have more chance of getting our message across. When I touch someone on the shoulder to say a kind word, I make sure my eyes are saying the same thing as my hand and my voice tone. Successful flirts know how to send out the signals without saying a word and when your ‘quarry’ is seated across a crowded restaurant, that can be a mighty useful skill!

We all have our idiosyncratic emotional body language signals. Some women twirl their hair or lick their lips, a man might twiddle his tie or rub his chin. There are some commonly used signals and there are some very individual ones.   In my flirting weekend, we did exercises that are geared to fine tuning our ability to a) notice signals and b) respond with clear signals. We delve into the whole world of signals and start to create our own dictionaries which we can add to with each new experience. You will begin to recognise patterns. We can then use those patterns to interpret other people’s signals and transmit clearer and richer ones. You can say it with your noses, your lips, your eyes, your posture and even your clothes.

Once you begin to learn this stuff, your interpretation of the world changes and instead of jumping to conclusions you begin to see things in a new light, as you get to grips with the signals of flirting.

30 Minute relationship assessment call with the Flirt Coach
Copyright © 1999 - 2009 Peta Heskell

The 7 Emotional Gremlins and how to dissolve them

You know what I mean by voices in your head.  Everyone has them.  It’s your reaction to what’s going on around you moment by moment

Something happens, you take it in, your mind goes ‘I know what this means’ and the voices start.. and you label it  worry, envy, fear, criticism, anger, blame, shame . These are the 7 major gremlins that plague most of us.

The good news is you can stop those feelings and commentaries and when you do, all those great sensations, ideas, solutions and aha’s just flood in…

When you are present, the voices are not…

Now this isn’t necessarily easy but it is doable.  And even if you only get it once a day, that’s once a day more than before… these voices are pesky creatures and they put up a good fight…but you can silence them…and the more you practise, the quieter it gets…

 The key is to be present.  The ‘how’ will come as you read…

How often are you really here

Most of the time we’re not ‘here’. We’re thinking about what happened in the past or we’re planning or worrying about what might happen and sometimes we just zone out altogether.

Every time you have an accident whether it’s slipping, tripping, bumping into something or someone or something more serious, the chances are you weren’t fully present.   You were oblivious of what was going on around you..

When you’re worrying your backside off about this and that or putting yourself down, you aren’t here.  Well you are, but your ATTENTION is elsewhere and you miss all the cues and signals.

Cues and signals are out there all the time.   And when you learn to get present, you automatically pick up loads more signals. 

How useful is that?

Every moment you are consciously aware of yourself, in particular your physical body, BELOW the neck as well as above, is a moment you are present. 

Every time you notice you’re ‘away with the fairies’ or ‘zoned out’ you’re attention is NOT here and now.

Here and Now  is where the real juice flows. 

When you are fully aware of your body, when you can hear, see, feel, smell and taste everything as it goes on around you in REAL time… you are fully present.

Like this you are totally in the zone and ready for action..you are primed like a perfect mechanism to notice what’s going on around you AND as you become more adept, even to begin to sense in advance what’s about to happen, like Nicholas Cage in ‘Next’…..

Imagine being like this, feeling your body, aware of the little movements, your alignment, whether your neck is scrunched or not, how hunched or relaxed are your shoulders.. where do you feel tension in your muscles?

Can you lift your arm and feel that movement begins somewhere other than your arm…check out  and as you notice your breathing, where does it appear to go to.. your upper chest, your ribs or your belly?

How even is your breathing…slowly you can notice where it goes and how it flows..simply by putting your attention on it…. and even as you do your senses heighten

Sensually Aware

Imagine being with someone you love like this.. sensing all the nuances… as you touch every part of their body, slowly, feeling the energy in your fingertips or lips as they feel your touch…and respond to you…

This isn’t the stuff of erotic writing.. this is what’s possible when you learn how to be present and stay zoned in…

And when your attention strays, as soon as you notice it you’re back again…so noticing is not an opportunity to go ‘darn it I wasn’t here’ it’s a clue to go ‘great, I noticed that means I’m here’ and stay a little longer!!

You are in the now, present, here when you have conscious awareness of our body,  feeling your feet on the ground, noticing your breathing consciously, feeling your hands touching the mouse, the pad or the keyboard…even now as you read this, you can put your attention on any part of your body.. and zone into it noticing the sensations and the surrounds and slowly move your attention anywhere you choose…breathing as you do.. rhythmically, slowly…

And when you learn how to do this you can also begin to zone into how you are when you’re being totally and utterly YOU at YOUR BEST.

My facilitator training consisted of a lot of somatic work. That means that there was a lot of attention put on becoming aware of our bodies and that of our clients. 

We were regularly directed to notice in particular how our body shifts as we start to remember and access the feelings of being at our best.

And the more I was ‘in my body’ attention on it, the more I began to notice the minute micro muscular shifts other people made… I was learning how to pick up movement by noticing where it began and adumbrating it… which means I learned to know where they were going to move before they did…

Loving Sensitivity Increases

So, like this what’s it like when you’re with someone you love, picking up signals from them, being ready for what comes up, not defensive, but relaxed and comfortable… not thinking about something else or immediately making stuff up, but slowing down enough to wait and leave a pause, a space, a gap in between one thought and the next…

 Imagine how many cross words, arguments or fights this might stop before they run away with us.

Imagine how sensitive you become to your lover.. in all ways…knowing how to move from the shifts and sounds they make…knowing just what they want.. sensing it…before they do..

Imagine when you’re just hanging out with people being able to pick up their signals more clearly and not making stuff about what you imagine they might be thinking… just noticing what you notice…cos you’re in REAL TIME

How much easier would it be to allow someone to approach you or to approach someone like that, not yapping bad stuff to yourself, but just putting your attention on your body and then on the other person fully…

You can learn to do this with yourself and other people..people…

Dissolving unwanted ‘emotional disturbances’

When you begin to feel one of the 7 gremlins starting up, simply put your attention on the physical sensations of the feelings as soon as you notice them and follow these sensations in your body as they move and change.  

 Like this you are unable to chatter garbage to yourself.  You are unable to chatter, you just ARE.   

And the more you do it the more you automatically begin to notice when you’re off much more quickly and are able to get back on track much more easily.

Do Yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts

I do yoga.  Yoga brings me into present awareness through my body as I focus my attention on the journey I make into a pose.. slowly  noticing the moves and synching them to my breathing..

I have found this to be of immense value….and advise all my clients to take up something like yoga, tai chi, chi kung or any martial art where they are directed to experience their body… 

I don’t know how to express strongly enough … that this truly is the key…  

When we are Present, the voices are not

Simple solution  in theory AND it’s the journey of a lifetime to monitor, notice and readjust back to here and now.. but the rewards are HUGE!!!

Just keep noticing where they begin and follow those feelings in your body NOT in your head

What if I told you that every relationship you attract is perfect even if it seems like a nightmare to you at the time.  When I say this to most of my clients, they do a double take.  

If all this sounds like one big paradox, then it’s probably because, like me, you were sold the illusion of what perfection is.  

I’m not suggesting you can’t meet someone really gorgeous who fulfils all the requirements on your Attraction Plan.   That is a total possibility AND it depends on how self-aware, self-correcting and evolved you are.     I am saying that the Law of Attraction isn’t quite as straightforward as some have professed.

Most of us have not yet ‘ascended’ to that place where life or anything else in it is perfect.   That’s because perfection is not some state you strive for, it’s in your attitude.  And I know, it’s not easy to just change an attitude that doesn’t work.   It’s often taken years of programming to put it in. That’s why coaches exist.  That’s why people pay to go on self awareness programs.  

Attitude is all

My friend Kayla , a down to earth, laugh a minute gal.   When breast cancer struck her at 32, she told me she looked down at her breast and said  ‘Well matey, you’ve obviously got some message for me.. .what is it?’ 

Instead of labelling this illness as a tragedy, she saw it as an opportunity to evaluate her life and make some changes.  

Filter, Sort and Label- how we create the illusion of ‘reality’

Humans are masters at creating illusion.  We are set up with a sort and filter system that specifices what data we take in and how we organize and label it.  The criteria for what we sort and filter are determined by the beliefs and values that have been insinuated into us from birth and evolved throughout our life.   As you can imagine, we miss a helluva lot of data like this.

So, life happens and our sort and filter system goes into action, followed swiftly by the labelling mechanism.  At the labelling stage we decide , based on a tiny selection of data and a set of mostly skewed belief systems, whether an event is good or bad.

Alicia lived with a violent partner for ten years before she found the courage to leave him and take refuge in a shelter.   Alicia’s upbringing and genetic make up were such that she had grown up to be submissive, eager to please and fearful of strong men.    Her self esteem was at zero.   Enter her former partner like a bee to the nectar sniffing out her weaknesses.   

This was a totally perfect relationship for Alicia.   Later looking back she was able to relabel the relationship.  She told me that the relationship was a catlyst that forced her out of her weakness and stirred up enough strength in her to take charge and take action in her life.     She relabelled from  being a ‘nightmare’ to a powerful  life learning experience

How the Attraction Plan works

Fortunately, with enough self awareness and willingness to evolve, we don’t all have to go through an experience like Alicias to realize what we really want and need.

Attraction planning is not making a wish, saying affirmations and waking up to find Prince or Princess Charming has arrived on your doorstep.  Attraction planning is a very powerful self awareness tool and prompt for change which helps you tune into more of who you are and replaces mixed signals with clear beacons of light.

When you begin to use strategic attraction planning, all kinds of things are revealed to you about you.  Part of the role of an attraction coach is to help you question youself and your desires throughout the process.    Your self awareness is heightened and you begin to home in on the personal qualities that you want to refine.  

Doing the attraction process also serves as a clarity beacon on dates.  Instead of jumping in because one of the qualities you want is predominant, your awareness is focused on your overall needs and thus you become more observant and you make much more considered, less impulsive decisions.  

In my experience, most of the clients I work with on their Attraction Plan have all kinds of imaginary demands and deal breakers which actually limit their choices.  Many people discover through coaching that their desires are either highly materially based or excessively emotionally needy. 

By working through it with a relationship or attraction coach, they learn to evaluate what they think they want and zone in on what is truly important.  They also learn where they are looking for someone to fill in the gaps that they need to fill in themselves.   

A change of sort can reap miracles

A friend of mine called me recently to share the tale of her new romance.  Love her as I do, I have watched her over the years constantly sorting for what I call the  ‘padded wallet’.   Looks weren’t anywhere near as important as the size of his money clip.    I watched and waited for it was not my place to coach her.

She was the kind of girl who had men buying her $500 shoes on a first date without having to do so much as kiss them.       She got exactly what she wanted to attract at the time - rich men who were prepared to empty their wallets because she was just so damned sexy.

I stood by and watched it unfold, seeing her attracting all kinds of very rich but highly unsuitable men, never allowing to surface the true depth of connection and vulnerability that I knew existed in her.    

Hallelujah! I’ve seen the light

Last week she shared with me her epiphany.   ‘Peta’, she said, ‘you won’t believe this.  I’m dating a guy with long hair who works as a carpenter and I went camping with him’.    It was difficult to imagine this of a woman who would have previously had a man lay down his cashmere overcoat for her to walk on before allowing a drop of mud to touch her precious pradas.  

She went on to say ‘You know I used to sort for finance, but something happened and I started to sort for the feeling’.    She’d been so bent on finding a rich man that she had cut off her intuitive feeling sensations.    

Sometimes we just don’t know what’s good for us.  Sometimes we just have to have the experience of a seemingly less than perfect relationship to realize what we really want.  All our relationships are perfect because they are simply small steps on our journey to evolving sufficiently to attracting a deeply satisfying intimate relationship.

How does Attraction Planning help?

When you begin to work on your attraction plan, keep this in mind.  As you write out your ‘wish list’ take the time to go inside and check on your intuitive feelings.  Ask yourself is this really what I want and am I asking for this because I feel personally lacking in this area? Ask youreslf  ‘will this really fulfill me in the deepest sense’

Question Yourself

The great thing about going through the Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is that instead of just writing down a wish list, you are encouraged at every turn to question and refine what you think you want.   And it doesn’t stop at a ‘what you want from them’ wish list.

And as you move through the four steps, you will find yourself evaluating just how worthy you are of what you want.  And you will learn what has to happen for you to attract this. And it will most likely require you to let go of certain personality traits that no longer serve you.

Mirror Mirror

Everything you attract will reflect where you are on your personal evolution timeline.    Be grateful for it, learn from it and let go of what doesn’t serve you.   NEVER ever say ‘if only, I’d done x, y or z’   This is a complete waste of time.  You have NO idea what would have happened if you’d married that guy or not spent ten years with the other.   

One client of mine used to constantly imagine how much better his life would have been if he’d got a degree instead of studying bookeeping.   I told him ‘you could have gone to college, walked across a road to meet the woman of your dreams and been run over by a truck’. 

We cannot know what life will bring us and there is only one thing we can be certain of.  Life has a way of highlighting all our fears and weaknesses.    We have the choice to learn the lesson swiftly or undergo repetitive relationship patterns until we get it.  

You will also be encouraged to reflect on the past week and consider what came up for you, what you noticed about what you’re attracting from the attitude of a store clerk to noticing people looking at you differently.    You learn to read the signs more accurately.

The Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is designed to help you bypass lots of the pain by focusing on what you really need and want and above all, what has to happen for you to attract that kind of bounty.

Check out our 4-part 6 hour attraction program and start attracting now!

with love
peta