Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Archive for April, 2009

I’m always surpised by how many people are shocked to discover something about their partner, sometimes after they’ve been married for years.  What secrets are you keeping? What secrets would you prefer to keep?  How might that affect any relationship you enter into?

I planned at one time to run courses in my friends hotel in St Lucia for couples who wanted to get married. The idea was to get them to a place of total honesty,exploring values, beliefs, dreams, expectations before they tied the knot.

So what do you know about your partner and what are you prepared to share with them?

Today’s guest blog excerpt is from Dr Gary Chapman author of The 5 Love Languages. Dr Chapman explores the kind of things you need to cover before tying the knot.. if you want to avoid disappointment!

Here are some questions you might want to know the answers to before you agree to get married or live together.

1. Are my partner and I on the same wavelength intellectually? Try one of these exercises: Read a newspaper or online news article and discuss its merits and implications; read a book and share your impressions with each other.

2. To what degree have we surveyed the foundation of our social unity? Explore the following areas: sports, music, dance, parties, and vocational aspirations.

3. Do we have a clear understanding of each other’s personality, strengths, and weaknesses? Take a personality profile. This is normally done under the direction of a counselor who will interpret the information and help you discover potential areas of personality conflicts.

Peta’s comments: I work with the enneagram when coaching relationship clients. I use it to help people realise the personality differences and potential co-reactions and how to breach them

4. To what degree have we excavated our spiritual foundations? What are your beliefs about God, Spirituality, organized religion, values, and morals?

5. Are we being truthful with each other about our sexual histories? Are you far enough along in the relationship to feel comfortable talking about this? To what degree are you discussing your opinions about sexuality?

6. Have we discovered and are we speaking each other’s primary love language? It is in the context of a full love tank that we are most capable of honestly exploring the foundations of our relationship.

What’s your love language? Take the 30-second qui on Dr Chapman’s site below

Adapted from The Five Love Languages Singles Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman. To find out more about Dr. Chapman’s resources, visit www.fivelovelanguages.com

Attract Your Perfect Relationship

Find out how to build and maintain a Law of Attraction plan to help you attract someone who is just right for you

http://www.attractyourperfectrelationshp.com

Apparently it pays to be selective when you are speed dating.  I found the following report today.  What is important when going out on the ‘hunt’ or to speed dating events or any social gathering where you might meet someone new, is to KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

When you complete your attraction plan and have a great sense of what you do and don’t want, your intuitive knowing will kick off in the right direction.

“New research at Northwestern University indicates speed daters who attempt to show interest in every partner they encounter during their session may be doing themselves a disservice. Social psychologist Eli Finkel explains…

FINKEL: I think it is fair to say that if you come off as somebody who likes everybody, you’re going to be disliked. But, it seems like there’s some certain magic that happens between people on occasion where they’re able to convey you are extra special.

Finkel says the results contrast with previous studies regarding non-romantic social interaction.

FINKEL: What those previous results show is that both selectively liking somebody is desirable, and also liking everybody is desirable. After all, who doesn’t like the guy that likes everybody, or the gal that likes everybody? In a romantic context you like everybody you come off as a little bit desperate or unselective and that’s bad.

Finkel offers advice to get the most out of a speed dating experience…

FINKEL: One of the things you’d want to do is go in with an open mind. Try your best to put your best foot forward. You might even want to practice a little bit in advance. What are some interesting, kind of exciting things about me? How can I be responsive and attentive to the people I’m going to meet?

What are good ways in that amount of time to help bring about the best in the other person, help bring out the best in myself? And, I think to the degree that you think about that stuff a little bit in advance and then try not to get to nervous and just enjoy yourself, I think the odds are high that you’re going to have a good experience.

Graduate student Paul Eastwick worked with Finkel on the study. He explains some of the predictors of liking someone after a speed date…

EASTWICK: We do find that in fact physical attractiveness is one of the bigger predictors of your liking for somebody after that speed date, but there are a few amazing things that we found as well.

Basically people have pretty good intuitions and pretty good consensus about many other traits as well, about how fun and exciting you seem, or how friendly you seem, or even how ambitious you are.

You’d really be surprised in four minutes how much you can size up about a person and how good an impression that you could get of them and then hopefully they would help you decide whether or not that’s somebody that you might want to know better as a romantic partner”

From NorthWestern University News

Bodyenergy
Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..

Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions - When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.

What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here - they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change. Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.

Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.

You can be as wealthy as Bill Gates but without love life has no meaning.   For ten years I’d been successfully helping people to attract intimate relationships.  I was a four times published author with a thriving business and a hunky man on my arm.   In 2003 I sent out a press release saying ‘Be Blissfully Single This Valentines’

You can imagine my surprise when two months later, after twenty years in relationship, I found myself suddenly single!  At the age of 52, the Flirt Coach lost her man.

I knew if I was to maintain my credibility I’d have to walk my talk. I’d seen clients dive into affairs and relationships to ease the pain of being alone and I knew my path lay elsewhere. It was time for the teacher to go back to school.  One of the courses I found myself signing up for was Perfect Customer Incs’ Strategic Attraction Coaching program.

I lovingly composed  an attraction plan for my perfect man. It was long.  As I read through and revised the plan over and over, there was never a moment when I doubted he was there. I joined four internet dating sites and revised my profile ongoingly to affirm my desire. ‘I know my soulmate is out there and is looking for me as I look for him’.    Many men contacted me and I rejected them all because this time I was holding out for what I deserved - the perfect soulmate for me.

And one day I read a one line posting on an internet list whose mails I normally deleted.   The posting said ‘check out this website’.    I followed my nose and through a series of  ‘accidental’  synchronicities he turned up in my inbox.  Whilst I was dreaming of a man I could love and work with, so was he, five thousand miles across the ocean.   He is everything I put on my attraction plan and more.  And now we are about to turn our lives upside down to be together, because at the end of the day, love is the foundation of everything.

What I learned is that whilst it’s important to put yourself out there, it’s even more important to keep your focus on the grand dream and to let go of how or when it will happen.     I held the space for 3 years. It was worth it.  Do your plan, trust in the process and, it can happen to you too.

May your journey be as rewarding as mine still is.

Next time you look across a crowded room and feel the ‘boom boom’ of your heart and the subtle signs of sexual arousal, and say to yourself ‘He/She’s the one’, be very very wary.  It’s not ‘love at first sight’, but an ancient genetic programme kicking into action. It doesn’t matter if he’s a potential wife beater or has latent schizoid tendencies or she’s a terrible nag or wants to live in the country when you are a real townie.  Your genes don’t take personality into account.  They are on a one track mission to get you to have sex and reproduce.
It all started with some rather interesting experiments on mice…

Minnie wasn’t drawn to Mickey beause he was a fun loving little ball of fur with good prospects and a loving nature, but because his genes were very different from hers.

Scientific experiments have proved that, if your genes are different from his or hers, and he or she has a certain look, you’ll be driven crazy with lust.

After experimenting with mice, they did some tests on humans with surprising results.  They selected a number of women and men who had both similar and different genetic MHC genes [that stands for major histocompatibility complex].  MHC genes check out protein markers on cells and help the body recognise hostile organisms This sets off the immune system.

If someone mates with a person whose MHC genes are different from theirs, the offspring will get a double dose of hostile organism checkers.. That means their kids will have a better chance at resisting disease.

The testers asked a number men to wear brand new t-shirts for two days and nights, never taking it off. They were not allowed to use anything on their skins that had any kind of scent .  They wanted them to get naturally whiffy.

Women in the test were then given six t-shirts. Three of them were from men who had similar MHC genes and the other three from men whose MHC’s were very different from theirs.

The results showed that the women were more attracted to the scent of the guys who had different MHC genes from their own.

The interesting thing is that women taking the birth control pill, which makes the body think it’s pregnant, preferred the scent of men who had similar MHC genes to their own.

Some scientists reckon that this is because a pregnant woman doesn’t want attract men to mate with during pregnancy, but are more drawn to men/women who are family members i.e. with similar gene-induced odours!  This has something to do with protection and care for the family.

This research suggests that attraction isn’t just some unexplained ‘love at first sight’ thing, but rather the immune system doing what’s best for the future progeny - going for a guy or girl whose genes combined with his or her own will give their kids a stronger immune system.

Of course in humans it’s not just a matter of whether he  or she smells right, because there are other factors that determine whom we fancy or not.

Have you noticed how some couples look like each other? Think about this. Most of us hold a physical attraction template based on the features of our opposite sex parent.  If we look like the opposite sex parent, then chances are we’ll end up with a mate who looks like us.

If we look like the same sex parent but very dissimilar to our opposite sex parent, and we’re attracted to someone who looks like our opposite sex parent that person may look quite different from us!  So nature has provided us with a simple formula for attraction

He or she’s gotta smell ‘right’ and have some of the features of our mum or dad.

Now that’s all well and good for primitive beings who don’t care about personality traits or social status.    These things are important to evolved human beings.     That’s where the problems start.

Those whiffy genes are pretty powerful and combined with the ‘attraction template’ they are going to kick off a huge surge of ‘lust hormones’. Our body produces these hormones to make us want to have sex.  This is  determined by the programming in our DNA that says ‘REPRODUCE’.

The ‘lust hormones’ are so strong that they often override every ounce of common sense. While our bodies are overflowing with desire, our brains are unable to make rational decisions.  That’s why it’s called love sickness!
So when those long term couples who claim to have fallen in love at first sight claim ‘I just knew’, they didn’t. Their genes knew they’d make strong kids with that person and they’d been programmed to fancy the way that person looks.   It’s pure chance that on top of the genetic and physical compatibility, they also have matched personalities.

And of course we NEVER hear about those couples who had a gene and looks match but didn’t quite work out so we assume that there is a magical syndrome that we call ‘love at first sight’.

Next time you’re irresistibly drawn to someone, tell yourself to wait at least two years before making any major decisions.  It can take anything from up to six months to two years or more the lust hormones to die down and the pink clouds of ‘perfection’ to fade away.

Give your brain an opportunity to check out all the stuff that we should be aware of before committing ourselves to marriage, buying a home or worse still making babies.

Are you strategically attracting what is perfect for you or are you a zap-happy attraction magnet? Every day you draw things into your life as a direct result of the concentrated thoughts, wishes and ideas that you come up with. The more you think the thoughts and wish the wishes, the more the ’system’ conspires to make them happen.  And sometimes you attract things that you don’t want.  So you can thank your lucky stars that someone’s come up with a technology designed to help you strategically attract only those things that are a match and fit for you..
And if you are a bit dubious about the idea that you can order what you want from the universe and get it… a bit of back-up science might help to convince you!
After 8 years of research and psychological testing UK Psychologist and university research scientist, Dr Richard Wiseman has proven that you can change your luck and live a charmed life.   Wiseman lays out the data in his book, The Luck Factor At last proof of what we’ve always known …
YOU have power to change your life by changing your thoughts and attitudes and focusing on what you really want.  The question is HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

And before you even begin.. there are some things to be being…
Pre-key 1 Be in awe of your power.

You are able to generate situations you don’t want and you have the power to create an amazing reality.  You also have the choice to concentrate your thoughts in the right direction and get what you want.

Pre-key 2 Know what you want to attract?

Is it a ‘perfect’ partner, financial security or that ‘ideal’ job.  Maybe it’s clients or customers that are perfect for you.    What do you want?  AND, in case you started to think about what you don’t want; it’s OK!  You have a great starting point. What you want is probably the opposite of what you don’t want.  If you think ‘I don’t want to work 9 - 5′ then what’s the opposite of that?  Or ask ‘If I don’t want 9-5, [or whatever your thing is] what do I want instead? Follow that thought.   Now give it a name…and say

I am attracting my perfect……. enter your word/s here.

Pre-Key 2 Universal Perfection does not exist, ‘perfection’ is what uniquely matches and fits YOU.

Sound like that might work for you?  Great!  When you brush aside pre-conceived ideas and look in another direction, you are more open to get a sense of what’s perfect for you and to know how that feels.  Because you do know, don’t you..

Key 1 - Find your zone.

What’s true of you when you’re at your best?  At some or many times in your life you’ve been in what some call ‘the zone’. There are as many phrases for this feeling as there people who have had it.  YOU have had this sense.  You might call it something else.   What you might not know is that each time you’re ‘there’ your body takes on almost the exact same configuration.   Your body knows how to do you at your best.   The Key is to find your ‘zone’ learn how your body does it and practise.
Your bodily awareness of yourself in your ‘zone’ ‘at your best’ [by the way what is it like for you - take a moment to get in touch with that cellular memory... I teach my clients how to model themselves at their best.   This is based on the MythoSelf ®-tm  process.  Using this process I teach people initially to reactivate in their body the state where for them anything is possible. This is th eplace to begin.

Key 2 -  Connect to the world.

Each of us is part of something greater than ourselves.  The world is greater than you isn't it and all the greater for having you in it.   YOU are a very important part of the world.  Feel yourself tuning into the world around you sensing the ripples of who you are connecting..

Imagine yourself as a jigsaw piece in the great universal jigsaw puzzle.  Your unique shape has a tailor-made exclusive reserved space in that puzzle.   Take a moment to think of your connection to the world and get in touch with your body as you do so.    Notice how this feels different from being 'in your zone'.

Key 3 -  Tune into your Purpose Star.

James Hillman, author of The Soul's Code says, "Purpose, does not usually appear as a clearly framed goal, but more likely as a troubling, unclear urge coupled with a sense of indubitable importance".

When you get that sense of yourself at your best and a feeling of being part of some great universal plan, you will experience your sense of purpose.  What would it be like to have a purpose star guiding you in every action?  Each time you are faced with a decision, simply ask yourself 'is this going to further my purpose [even if indirectly] and do what’s right for you.

Key 4 -  Get specific ask for everything.

Take a piece of paper and on one side write ‘my ideal clients, job, partner will have the following attributes’.  Without censoring, jot down everything that comes to mind.

For each attribute, ask yourself how YOU match up.   If you want someone who is loving, how loving are you?  If you want the freedom to be yourself, how often do you wear a mask or pretend to be what others want you to be?
On the other side of the paper make a list of the areas you want to transform.  Always use the positive.   I am more giving, I am more loving. And then write down ideas for how you can be more like this.  Ask other people, be bold

Key 5 - Take Attractive Action.

If you want to be more loving you could resolve to do one loving act every day.  If you want to be freer to be yourself you could make a point of saying ‘no’ when you might previously have said ‘yes’.  Go on a course, read some books, meditate; do whatever it takes.

Key 6 -  Act-ivate your dream.

Look at your original list each day and imagine life with your perfect partner, job or clients. Use all your senses and make sure it’s as if you are living it for real, not watching yourself in the distance.

Bonus Key 7 - Be picky picky picky - go for what is perfect for YOU! [and you alone]

When I first started doing private one-on-one work with clients I wasn’t too picky and as  As I became more experienced I started to define which clients I loved to work with and what it was about them.  I described them as being on a scale with microwave at one end [those that are semi cooked into some of this stuff and are willing to pay me to take them even further] and raw meat at the other [those who are resistant, angry and who really belong with a psychotherapist because they need tenderising, softening up, seasoning and cooking for a long time slowly in the oven...and I don't do that!].  I prefer the microwave types.

One day a client turned up who was so negative and impossible that I got he was one of those people who pay good money just to say that NOTHING works.   I was part of his program to prove that he had no alternative but to stay miserable.  When he left I thought to myself ‘there’s another category’  FROZEN raw meat  and I never want another client like that again.

So the next question I had to ask myself was ‘if you don’t want that what do you want?’.. Who is your perfect client..?  I sat down and did my list..

Within 2 days of doing this process to attract my ‘perfect clients’, Kilhan turned up.  He’d done my Pulling Power course, had a couple of empowerment sessions with me and been on the MythoSelf ® course designed by my mentor Joseph Riggio.  He felt like he needed a ‘refresher’…

WOW and double wow.

He was an absolute joy to work with and since then I’ve only had interesting, up-for-it, clients who like what I do and who are willing to pay the fees that my skills merit.  In fact they love paying me because they get that having me in their life is as valuable as the luxury car they drive and the expensive restaurants they eat in.  ‘Perfect’ for me! Perfect for them!

So…What’s ‘perfect’ for you?

Remember your thoughts are your power.  Be alert for the thoughts that send you into a spiral.. begin to notice when the thought starts, what’s going on in your body especially in the neck to top of leg area..  Begin to recognise the signals of negativity before they take hold..and shift yourself simply by relaxing the muscles of your belly and the muscles located opposite them in your back. This is a quick way to begin to get yourself into the kind of state where you can let go and just be.   You’ll soon find yourself stopping and consciously changing what you are thinking by focusing on WHAT YOU WANT…

We may be a bunch of converted Perrier drinkers, but the holidays is one of those times when temptation is all around.  The hottest guest at the office gathering is our old ‘buddy’ Mr Alcohol.  He’s the first one we make for when we arrive and often he’s the one we’re still chasing when the party winds down.

If you spend too long in Mr A’s company, you run the risk of waking the next day, not just with a bad head but with that awful sinking feeling that something happened at the party but you can’t quite remember.  And you know you’ve done something you shouldn’t have.   Don’t worry; you’ll be reminded soon enough, because you can guarantee some kind person is spreading the tale of your exploits.

As one who has consumed gallons of alcohol at office parties and committed and witnessed enough mind-boggling gaffes to fill a book, my advice is drink only enough to feel merry and as soon as you do, STOP.  If you must spend time with Mr A, try spending a little time with Mrs Snacks and Dr Water as well!  The office party is a time to keep your wits about you, not lose them completely.  Save the wild stuff for New Years Eve, safe in the company of friends who know you well!

The office party can be a great opportunity to develop relationships, get better acquainted with that person you’ve been drooling over all year, get to know the boss, bond with your staff, and have a hoot with your colleagues.

Getting closer to the boss

At one office party in a well-known corporation I discovered the CEO, signing his name in felt pen on the twin jewels of one his employees. That’s NOT what I mean by betting closer to the boss.

The Holidays is a time to give presents. And if you enjoy your work, and the company of your colleagues, you have a whole closet full of goodies to dole out that won’t cost you a dime. I’m talking about ‘compliments’ and ‘thank you’s’. Use the party as an opportunity to informally tell people how much you appreciate them.    It’s an opportunity to look back on the good times during the year and get them feeling good about the future.

The office party is also a fantastic opportunity to interact with the people who count in a friendly relaxed environment.    This is NOT brownnosing.  Strong and powerful people can sniff that out in a moment.   This is about keeping your power and acknowledging theirs.

Use the opportunity to make a connection, introduce yourself, say something complimentary about the organisation [you have to believe what you say] Your aim is to make them aware of who you are and leave them with positive feelings about YOU.     They will be much more receptive to you whenever you need to approach them formally.

Getting closer to that special person

If you’ve been lusting after someone you work with, use the opportunity to find out if they really are a potential match for you.   A vague but honest introduction such as ‘I’ve seen you around and had this feeling I’d enjoy getting to know you better’…. works as well as any.   If they seem amenable, get to know what makes them tick, what they love doing, what’s important to them.

If your judgement is blurred by too much spirit-ual intake, you will miss or misinterpret their signals, and you might find yourself going further than is appropriate.

If your feelings are boiling over and you feel compelled to confess all, make sure to do it somewhere private, well beyond earshot of colleagues.  If you get a knockback, at least you’ll spare yourself the shame of public rejection and if romance does kick give it time to develop naturally before the office gossips take over.  A romance at work is a bit like a celebrity affair; it’s lived out in the limelight of the office fluorescents and broadcast on gossip TV. Be prepared!

Spreading the compliments of the season

The office gathering is also a great chance to mend fences, get to know someone who’s not like you or just get into the seasonal spirit of goodwill and peace by being nice to everyone for no good reason.

Bring your sack of compliments and give them out to everyone.  If someone’s hair looks good or you like something they’re wearing tell him or her.   If your employees have gone that extra mile or done some top work, tell them how much you appreciate them and give due praise for their special qualities. Don’t be like an accountant friend of mine who, when a client praised the cheeriness of his receptionist, made sure not to tell her ‘in case she got too bigheaded’.  Compliment the boss too. If he or she has helped you along, or manages you well, now’s the time to let them know how much you appreciate it.

If there are people you’ve clashed with, avoided or who appear very different from you, seek them out.   Find out about them.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised, I guarantee.    If their culture is different, ask them about what festivals they celebrate and what kind of special things they do and eat.    Ask them questions about how they spend their time out of the office; what they’re passionate about.  Smile, laugh and be nice for no good reason.

When you enter into the spirit of things in a less spirit-fuelled way you could have a fantastic experience that will set the tone for the year to come.

So you’ve  buried his memory, got over the grief and spent time learning to like yourself.  Like a flower in bud, you’re ready to burst onto the dating scene again.   Here’s some top tips to help you find the love you want.

Boost your self esteem.  Before going out, stand in front of the mirror and imagine you’re a goddess or someone you admire  How would she talk, smile, stand.  Take on her actions and say to yourself, I’m a goddess and spend the entire day acting as a goddess would.  You’ll be surprised at how it changes other people’s reactions.

Dress to attract not seduce.  Revealing breasts, legs and large acres of flesh say ‘I’m up for sex’. Women who use their sexuality to attract a man, generally lack self confidence.   Show you’re a confident happy woman.  Emphasise your good points but save the ultra sexy clothing for when you’re with that special someone.

Be open to indirect connections Don’t leave a party because there are no decent men there.  Decide to have fun and be open to sideways opportunities.  The girl who talks to you at the drinks table could be a potential link to  someone who is just right to you.

Transmit your energy.  Think of how good you feel when you’re at your best,  Imagine an invisible thread connecting your heart to his heart.  Send out a silent message such as ‘You’re gorgeous’ or ‘I like the look of you’.  You’ll be surprised what people pick up unconsciously.

Give clear signals I sometimes feel I need to repeat this a thousand times.   Most men need very clear signals before they’ll make a move.  Instead of flirting with the ones you don’t like or those that are easy to get, show the ones you really like you’re interested. If you don’t he’ll be afraid to make a move.  Smile, make eye contact and repeat this two or three times.

Go halfway to meeting him. Instead of fearing rejection, realise that most men other than control freaks love to be approached by a woman.  You don’t have to act like  amazon warrior on the hunt. Simply give them your number/email and let them know you’d be open to them calling you.

Learn the art of small talk.  Notice your surroundings and make throw away comments about what’s going on.  You don’t have to give a Miss World speech, just start a conversation. A simple ‘hi’ or a compliment or a line like ‘it’s nice to be inside when it’s raining outside, it feels kind of cosy.

Remember the only things a relationship needs to get going is that you like each other, you can talk to each other and you find each other attractive. All the rest is and learning, acceptance and adapting.

You see, I actually forgot how persuasive a certain very simple flirting 
strategy can be — to increase the responsiveness of potential flirting
subjects/partners.

For years now, I’ve been studying influence, flirting, & persuasion 
skills for so long — I learned that overall — the more influential &
 powerful I became with the technology of NLP (Neuro Linguistic
Programming), the less indirect and the less covertly influential I had 
to be — to invoke the same powerful emotions — easily & naturally.

If you still don’t know what NLP is, check out this link http://www.altfeld.com/mastery/geninfo/new.html

As a result of developing myself with these skills over time, I’ve re
lied less & less on “tactics” and moved more towards being real with 
people — that is, being real ***WITH*** these skills honed sharp, as 
opposed to “being real” but socially uninformed, unrefined & unaware.

This distinction is Very, Very Important. 

Being real does have countless advantages.

Being other-than-real with
 people will often be detected, even amongst the people least aware of
technologies such as NLP. 

And still, using certain strategies when the situations call for it –
on top of being real — has many other useful advantages.

I think I’ll 
keep reminding myself of this from now on.

Last year I  visited Sydney Australia to run a weekend seminar
(”Linguistic Wizardry”), and during the evenings before the seminar, one
 of my Aussie associates had set up a few social evening outings for me
– in which I would meet up with several other NLP enthusiasts, and, for
 want of a better term, show off a bit….Go out flirting, essentially.

 And what I wanted to set up was — I wanted to run some “cold-reading”
techniques, whereby in a scant few minutes, I’d learn so much about
another person, they get the impression I’m either amazingly naturally
 insightful — or psychic. And no, I don’t think I’m psychic.

If you’ve been on one of my lists for a while, you’ve heard me mention
 handwriting analysis before as one of the great ways to lead into
 NLP-based flirting, because nearly everyone can do handwriting without
 explanation, whereas NLP takes way too long to explain to people who 
don’t know anything about it.

The interim result is usually to get an audience of 1 or more highly
 responsive people. Then often — depending on the environment — this
 can lead to a line of people waiting to learn more about themselves.
 Which gives me open opportunities to flirt as I do my thing.

Well, I planned to have the guys I was meeting — find women they wanted 
to test me with. Our first real opportunity of the evening was while we
 were seated outside at a large restaurant/bar in North Sydney (the Oaks
in Neutral Bay, for any readers local to Sydney!). Near our table,
there was a group of three people. Two women, and one man. I had 
planned to have our group invite the ladies over to test me with
 handwriting analysis. In point of fact, there was no “testing” to be
 done, as I already know how accurate it can be; it was more to create
 opportunities to use NLP while flirting with them, and demonstrate the 
fun that can be created for all parties.

So one of our guys got up & started towards their table. Then another of 
the guys in my group — who was the first to admit how pushy he could be
 in some flirting situations — said to the fellow who’d stood up,

“Go for the guy. Don’t ask the women.”

I heard a bell ring somewhere inside my head — with immediate
 recognition of the power of the strategy. I knew it would work. And I
was laughing out loud because somehow, I’d forgotten how powerful it
 could be; I’d discarded it without any clear reason — from my common 
behavior.

So after the first guy stood up, and the 2nd guy gave his 
instructions, I added:

”Don’t just not ask the women. 
Instead, completely ignore them for now.”

The aim was to have the guys at our table invite the guy from the table
 of 3 — to test my handwriting analysis (i.e., personality cold-reading) 
skills. And to completely ignore the women. The aim was to create a 
response inside their minds of intrigue & curiosity. And build inside 
their minds — the desire to have it done for them too.

So the guy at that table initially declined the suggestion! But guess 
what: The women at his table — convinced him to do it!  2 minutes 
later, he came over to get his handwriting done. And while I began to 
do the reading, one of our guys got the women to come over to judge how 
accurate I was.

Now they were part of what was going on — but
 still NOT the center of any of the men’s attention. For want of a
 better description — that created a “void” of attention that they were
 used to getting from groups of men.

My aim, in spite of this process/strategy — was to create a fun time 
for everyone. I had no ulterior motives. I believe that
 less-than-positive ulterior motives will bleed through in our
 unconscious behavior & communication, so had I not had good intentions 
for everyone, the strategy would have been experienced more as a 
deceptive tactic. Not useful. And not related to what I was doing.

 Anyhow, without fail, this strategy led rapidly to the girls asking to 
have their handwriting done. And that led to us finding out a LOT about
 the other group. We found out that one of the women was the guy’s 
sister, and the other was his girlfriend. We found out a lot about all
 three of them.

Often, people will volunteer incredibly personal 
information about themselves — because within just a couple of minutes, 
we’re not strangers at all anymore — I’d know more about them than most
 of their acquaintances would know. And of course, everyone had a great 
time.

Afterwards, I thought about this a bit further. I think it would work 
similarly for both genders. I.e., let’s say you’re a guy out with a
 group of other guys, and you see a group of women out with a smaller
 group of men. Apart from obvious clues, sometimes figuring out who’s
 with whom — and who’s available, can be tricky.

One of the best ways
 to connect up with people in that other group, is to find a way to get 
rapport with the *guys* in that other group, in a way that creates 
curiosity & interest within the ladies in that group. That may seem
 counter-intuitive to what you’re really interested in — but it may be
 one of the fastest routes towards getting rapport with those women — in
 a way that doesn’t offend any of the guys they’re with.

Conversely — let’s say you’re a woman out for a night on the town with
 the girls, and you see a group of people, mostly men, with a few women 
amongst them. First of all, chances are you’re going to be able to read
 what’s going on from the body language better than men would, but let’s
 say you don’t know entirely who’s with whom, and you want to step into
 that group setting somehow. Why not first gain some social acceptance 
from the women first, thereby putting yourself more closely into the
 awareness of the men in that group. Let things develop first by 
involving the women in the group. Then, perhaps once you’re more
 closely involved in talking with the women there — you’ll learn better
 which of the men may fancy you — or — which of them *you* fancy the 
most.

So — once again I’ll sheepishly remind myself of the value of strategic
tactics used for GOOD purposes. Sometimes it’s worth remembering they 
can & do have power.

Perhaps you’ve done something along these lines before, and are reminded
 as I write — how useful they might be?

Or perhaps this is new to you
?

If you have questions about how I (& the guys I went out with) did this
– or perhaps I’m not explaining the process well enough for your
 tastes, drop me an email or post a reply below. I’ll take it to another level for you, and
 help you make something like this strategy work more easily for you.

Happy flirting, flirtopians!

Like me you can probably reel off a list of people that you would label charismatic.  Michael Parkinson has it and so does Paul Newman.  JFK had it in bucketloads and he  abused it and poor old George Dubbya needs an army to help him find it while his old pal Tony Blair does a mediocre job of pretending to have it.

Martin Luther King had it - his speeches still make the hairs on my arm stand up on end  - and Adolf Hitler proves that it’s possible to be charismatic and a thoroughly bad egg as well.

And just for the record I define charisma as  magnetic attraction.

Seduction gurus appear to have it on the surface whilst Professor Richard Wiseman has plenty of advice on how to have it

• General: Open body posture, hands away from face when talking, stand up straight, relax, hands apart with palms forwards or upwards
• To an individual: Let people know they matter and you enjoy being around them, develop a genuine smile, nod when they talk, briefly touch them on the upper arm, and maintain eye contact
• To a group: Be comfortable as leader, move around to appear enthusiastic, lean slightly forward and look at all parts of the group
• Message: Move beyond status quo and make a difference, be controversial, new, simple to understand, counter-intuitive
• Speech: Be clear, fluent, forceful and articulate, evoke imagery, use an upbeat tempo, occasionally slow for tension or emphasis.

And much as I respect Dr Wiseman for his sterling research on luck, I’m afraid his advice here is all about doing - which automatically begs the question ‘How do I do that’ and opens the door for a host of eager beaver NLP’ers to dive in and tell us that all we have to do is to elicit a charismatic person’s strategy and we’ll get it.

And I just don’t believe it!

There’s a lot of fancy stuff taught in the name of charisma including the idea of modelling what charismatic people do and what I’ve noticed building in popularity over the years is this idea that there’s a quick fix solution that will turn dull nerds into charismatic seducers in one weekend.

There’s a book which has been a massive seller for years and its title sums  up everything that is wrong about this self help business  ‘How To Make Anyone Fall in Love with You.    I bought it and I’m still waiting for Brad Pitt to call.   It’s a well crafted book with loads of things to do but it still gives the idea that there’s something to be doing to get instant charisma.  And my publishers tell me this is a title that really sells.   Me, I think books, mine included, are just openers that point people in the direction of self exploration.

A girl who’d attended  - amongst many other courses  - an NLP Master Practitioner called me the other day and said ‘I want you to help me ‘crack it’.  She wanted to be able to be ‘in a happy state all the time’ I told her ’sorry, can’t be done’

People are desperate to believe the illusion that life is microwaveable and can be changed in an instant.  My experience tells me otherwise.  There ain’t no formula for instant charisma.

I’ve been working with people individually and in groups for years now under the guise of teaching them how to be attractive and charismatic and I’ve been very careful to state that ‘at the end of this course you will BEGIN TO BE more able to…because I know that it’s not really about being more confident or more sociable or stopping the voices in your head or making pictures of being charismatic.  It’s simply about being and playing and having the experience.

I believe we all have charismatic potential deep in the centre of who we are and that for some the pathway is relatively clear and open requiring a little weeding and cutting back of undergrowth whilst  for others it requires a massive excavation job before we see a glimmer of potential.

Charisma in the positive sense [i.e. I'm not incuding Adolf in this]
seems to arise from a person being completely who they are and a facility to radiate themselves in such a way that others are captivated and ultimately willing to follow them to the ends of the earth.

I don’t think we learn charisma, I think we create the space for it to emerge.

The closest I’ve come to this is the work I’ve done with Joseph Riggio which focuses on teaching people how to shift somatically, NOT intellectually, into a state of being their very best, in the zone and connects them to a sense of being connected to the world of which they are a part.  People get to experience themselves like this in their body.  I also believe that charismatic people have a natural facility to tune into other people and just be with them.

When a person taps into themselves in this way they can’t help but radiate something that touches others literally.    They are sending out the vibes of who they are and it’s very delicious. I’ve seen moments of it in people who on first appearance would not merit the label ‘charismatic’. I’ve seen apparently dull boring men and women send out sparks of pure sexual energy that in that moment are almost irresistible.

And from those little sparks fires slowly build and warm over time creating a structural well formedness wherein charisma can flourish.   And it always comes from being not doing.

And when we can learn to be and to think and do nothing I think charisma arises naturally like the sun from behind the mountains.
I’m still learning to be in this experience more and to travel inside myself and just be with me.  And what I’ve noticed is that thereare more and more periods in my life and in particular when I’m running a workshop where stuff just seems to materialise and it’s great stuff.  Like that I am charismatic.

You too have the potential when you learn to make the space for it to emerge.