A Success-Flirt knows that feeling good about him/herself is the first step to successful flirting

A Success-Flirt knows that making other people feel good about themselves is the key to successful communication

A Success-Flirt knows how to listen to what others say and extract their meaningful words

A Success-Flirt knows how to uncover the needs of others and give them what they want

A Success-Flirt is always open to talking and communicating with new people

A Success-Flirt is always willing to make the first move

A Success-Flirt is seeking not to conquer but to get to win/win

A Success-Flirt sends out positive energy to everyone around them

A Success-Flirt looks at new people as an opportunity to connect

A Success-Flirt doesn’t hesitate to ask for what he/she wants

A Success-Flirt gives out a glow that attracts others to him/her magnetically

A Success-Flirt wants to share his/her friends with other people

A Success-Flirt knows how to give just the right compliments to the right people and mean what they say

A Success-Flirt pays attention to the energetic qualities of other people and moderates their own energy accordingly

A Success-Flirt knows how to modulate his/her voice tone to the rhythm and pitch of people she/he is interacting with

A Success-Flirt knows how to interrupt at just the right moment to break into a group

A Success-Flirt is mindful of other people’s personal space and tests the water before diving in

A Success-Flirt expects success to come to him/her

A Success-Flirt plans sets out an intent in the world for how they want their life to be and then lets go

A Success-Flirt knows how to ask the right questions to get more meaning from the words of others

A Success-Flirt is always aware of the minute physical/body language changes in other people and adjusts accordingly.

A Success-Flirt is liked by most and doesn’t worry about those who don’t.

A Success-Flirt doesn’t operate from envy, jealousy or ambition but from wanting the world to be a more harmonious place.

               

What is Flirting?

The dictionary on my bookshelf defines flirting as “Behaving or acting amorously without emotional commitment.” Well, that’s one definition but, like me, you probably realise that there are also many other definitions of flirting. I have chosen a very generic definition of flirting on which to base my creation of the Flirting Weekend. This is because I feel it is important for people to realise that flirting can be a natural way of communicating with anyone as well as a way of communicating either amorous or sexual interest or both!

I recently discovered that the word ‘flirting’ has its roots in the old French word ‘fleurter’ meaning ‘to flower’ I like that. Here’s my definition.

Flirting is shining your inner light via your words and deeds in such a way that people are irresistibly drawn to you.

Flirting is a natural gift that we have had from birth. Babies flirt wildly with everyone that comes their way. Unfortunately many adults seem to have lost this wonderful ability. Somewhere along the line we were [wrongly in my opinion] told that it was bad to draw attention to ourselves that little children should be seen and not heard. Some people have grown into adults that are neither seen nor heard. But there is hope you can learn to flirt again.

Flirting is a signaling mechanism that was bestowed upon us by nature. It is a communication tool. Sigmund Freud said that we leak the truth from every pore. We all have patterns of physical reaction that we exhibit. The secret is knowing the patterns of others and being aware of our patterns. For example it is useful to be know what reaction certain behaviours you do create in others. The reaction might be very different to the reaction you are intending to create. We are all gifted with the ability to signal. Many of us need to learn to read how our signals affect others and what signals we can send out to convey certain messages. This goes hand in hand with the ability to decipher other people’s signals.

Flirting is our natural way of expressing interest in people. A smile bestowed here, a shared giggle or a word exchanged in the supermarket line can be a powerful thing. Flirting can be a prelude to friendship or a prelude to mating. Once you know how to do it you can choose how to use it. Great flirts do it with everyone, babies, men, women dogs and cats. People who flirt well get what they want in life because they know how to create good feelings in other people.

I am a natural flirt – I love communicating and I find myself initiating conversation with strangers wherever I go.

When I go outside in the world I get an overwhelming sense of possibility and anticipation. I know that I have the opportunity to connect with someone new each day. When I encounter someone who looks good I often turn round and say ‘great dress’ or ‘neat tie’ as I pass by.. Sometimes I place my hand on someone’s shoulder or tap them on the arm and say ‘I just wanted to say – you have lovely hair’. I have NEVER had a rebuff. Quite the contrary. The warm smile that comes over the faces of people I encounter gives me a real buzz. And it costs absolutely nothing.

One word of warning. It’s no use telling a grossly overweight person what a lovely trim figure they have! People can spot insincerity a mile off. I always make sure to compliment only those attributes or adornments that I really do like. MORE after this message

I go running sometimes on the seafront. I just enjoy smiling and saying ‘hi’ or ‘good morning’ to EVERYONE I meet. I know that someone will take that smile and pass it on to someone else…who knows what positive knock-on consequences it might have.

Life goes at a fast pace and many of us are rushing around with our heads full of what we have to do, what we haven’t done, what’s bothering us, what we want to happen. It’s too easy to get caught up in our own inner world. Every so often it’s important to come outside, pay attention to what’s going on in the world and acknowledge that we all share the same planet and a kind word or a genuine smile goes a long way to maintaining our membership of the human race as opposed to becoming merely a human racing!

There are many different types of flirting. For example, you can flirt sexually or non-sexually. The key is to know what you want to achieve and what are the right signals for your purpose. When I was in a relationship, my partner once asked me why, as an attractive and very flirty woman, I don’t have men beating down the door to ask me out. I believe it is because I sent out the signals that say, I like you, I want to enjoy your company, but I’m not available. When you are flirting for fun and not to attract a partner, it is very important to differentiate.

The way someone might flirt with their partner or lover will be very different from the way they will flirt with the supermarket checkout person and different still from flirting with a business associate. Yes, you can flirt at work and steer clear of sexual harassment. The key is to know which signals to send out to whom and for what reason!

When I was fourteen, I was an indiscriminate, unsophisticated and wanton flirt. I also looked a lot more sophisticated and worldly wise than I was. If a boy looked at me, I looked back at him and played it for all it was worth hitching up my already micro skirt, pouting, smiling and generally beckoning. The less diplomatic amongst us might define my behaviour as ‘prick teasing’.

One day on holiday in Italy, after accepting, behind my parents’ back, a date with one of the handsome young waiters I had been wildly flirting with, I found myself up against the wall as he eagerly tried to remove my clothes. Fortunately, I extracted myself from the situation.

Looking back I realised that I had been ‘flirting for England’. I was too young to realise what effect my flirting was having on a hot-blooded young man. The fact is that he stopped when I asked him but he might not have been such a gentleman. We all know that rape is wrong and that no woman asks to be raped. At the same time we need to be able to know what signals we are sending out especially when in the company of people whose judgment might be clouded by alcohol or other substances.

My wild and highly sexual flirting could have increased my chances of being ‘date-raped’. They were obviously misread by the young waiter. As a woman it is important to know why we are flirting and which kind of flirting we should be using. There are times when we see someone, we want them and we flirt as a sexual come-on andthat’s great, when you know what you want and go for it. But when we do not have that intention in mind we need to flirt accordingly.

This will help to maximise your safety and keep your signals clean. If you don’t differentiate you could find yourself in a sticky situation. Of course, wild sexual flirting can be a marvellous bonus in a relationship.

The ability to decipher and transmit signals effectively can be learned – I teach it in my playshops. If you want to find out more about signals read my article.

The ability to flirt well comes from an inner belief in one’s own self worth. Some of the best flirts are not your ‘chocolate-box’ beauties or your ‘Chippendale’ hunks. . They are people who feel confident that they have something to offer the world and enjoy creating good feelings in other people. They are the clever ones because they know that when you make other people feel good, it bounces right back onto you!

Richard Bandler, the originator of NLP, says that wallflowers are very selfish because they, of all people, know how painful it is to sit alone on the sidelines yet they continue to deprive all those other poor wallflowers of a gentle word, a warm sound or a bright touch.

Do you want to be a selfish, lonely wallflower or do you want to send out your light into the world and be one of those people that everyone wants to be with.

When you learn to flirt successfully and accurately, you can change the world you live in and reap for yourself an endless supply of smiles, happiness, laughter, fun and love.

30 Minute Relationship/Attraction Coaching Call with The Flirt Coach

               

Flirting Signals Exposed

We all know what a v-sign means – or do we? Depending on which way the hand is facing you could interpret it as a sign of victory or a very rude gesture! In England raising the two fingers with the inside of the hand facing towards yourself means ‘f**k off. BUT, if you come from the jungles of Peru it might mean absolutely nothing to you at all!

Language, be it communicated by the mouth or by the body, is a very complex business indeed. In times gone by women used a complex signalling system involving fans and eyes to flirt. Gay men adopted a great system of sexual signalling that involves keys, pockets and handkerchiefs! Unfortunately no manufactured system, sexual or otherwise really exists in the heterosexual world. In the absence of an overt dictionary of signals it’s easy to either get it wrong or miss the signals altogether because our signalling system is mainly unconscious.

Human beings are naturally endowed with an inbuilt mechanism for sending out signals. It is part of our primitive need to reproduce our DNA and subsequently ourselves. We do it all the time. What we need is to polish up our ability to notice and then interpret the signals. When you develop this skill the world becomes a richer place. Opportunities that were previously unnoticed seem to leap out at you from all directions. [I often wonder what an opportunity leaping looks like !].

Richard Bandler, the founder of NLP [Neuro Linguistic Programming, a field of psychology that specialises in reprogramming our perceptions of the word and recognising how we and others operate] , told me that when he ran a flirting class one of the biggest challenges was getting the participants to notice the signals from the opposite sex. He lined up the men and the women, told the women to give out interested signals and 3/4 of the men failed to notice the signals!

We need not only to be able to recognise but also calibrate signals. This means observing someone and being able to know what their special signals are. We also need to understand what effect our emotional body language signals have on others so that we can modify our transmissions to be clearer and more effective. As my friend and co-trainer on the Las Vegas Flirtopia event in September 2000, Jonathan Altfeld [see NLP Links page] says “we have to teach them to become super bio-feedback machines for each other”.

Blind Date - a treasure trove

Blind Date is a programme that was popular all over the world. Each week couples are sent on a blind date and are filmed during the time they are together. They are then interviewed individually afterwards. I watch this programme every week because it’s full of superb examples of signal ‘botching’. The couple I watched recently were being filmed on the plane. She was looking at him with the flirtiest eyes I’ve seen for ages. Her smile, her body movements all said ‘I am interested’. Later when they were interviewed she said ‘He didn’t seem interested’. He replied ‘but she didn’t give me any signs’.

What transpired was that because he was a ‘touchy-feely’ person [his own words] a touch expressed interest for him. He didn’t notice her eyes. What would have happened if he had been more aware of the variety of signals that women give out and what would have happened if she had tried using a different sensory system to transmit her signals? I don’t know but it’s something to think about.

Touch, sight and sound

We communicate via our five senses. Most of us do not utilise our senses equally all the time. When expressing and perceiving data, we often use one system more heavily than another. For example, some of us use ‘visual words’ like ‘a light at the end of the tunnel’ as opposed to ‘kinaesthetic’ words like ‘it was a weight off my mind’. The guy on Blind Date described himself as a ‘touchy feely’ person.

People who operate out of the ‘feeling’ sense look for ‘feeling’ signals. The girl on the other hand kept saying ” I looked at you all the time”. She expected him to pick up on her very visual signals..

Interestingly enough another Blind Date series showed a girl telling the camera how she was sure the guy fancied her, even though she didn’t feel the same way about him. I noticed while they were sitting together on the settee and chatting he touched her several times. His comment to her remark was ‘You are mistaking friendliness for fancying you’.

So, you see, it’s not just the girlies that send out the wrong signals. While this was a clear cut example of mixed signals from him, the first example was clearly a case, not of mixed, but of missed signals!

Sharpen up the senses

Flirting isn’t just about sending out signals it’s about becoming more aware of what other people are doing.

We can learn to fine-tune our senses. When you develop the ability to perceive things like skin colour changes, voice tone, breathing rate changes and eye movement, you are developing your database of signals. When you have enough data you can begin to pattern the information and make sense of signaling. .As this happens you will become more aware of the signals you send out AND the reactions they provoke.

Man/woman roles

In the Blind Date scenario the man was waiting for the girl to give him signals before he acted. They stuck to the traditional man/woman roles and they both missed out. What would have happened if, instead of waiting for a touch, he sent out his own strong signals? Would she have noticed them? What would she have read them as? This opens up a whole area for debate. When you attend a Flirting Weekend you will have opportunities to explore all these dilemmas and how we can unconsciously precipitate them with careless signaling. Someone once said to me “Simple awareness is sometimes curative”. I like that concept.

Richer signals

Once we are more aware of our signaling mechanisms, we can also learn to vary the signals we give out so that we have more chance of getting our message across. When I touch someone on the shoulder to say a kind word, I make sure my eyes are saying the same thing as my hand and my voice tone. Successful flirts know how to send out the signals without saying a word and when your ‘quarry’ is seated across a crowded restaurant, that can be a mighty useful skill!

We all have our idiosyncratic emotional body language signals. Some women twirl their hair or lick their lips, a man might twiddle his tie or rub his chin. There are some commonly used signals and there are some very individual ones.   In my flirting weekend, we did exercises that are geared to fine tuning our ability to a) notice signals and b) respond with clear signals. We delve into the whole world of signals and start to create our own dictionaries which we can add to with each new experience. You will begin to recognise patterns. We can then use those patterns to interpret other people’s signals and transmit clearer and richer ones. You can say it with your noses, your lips, your eyes, your posture and even your clothes.

Once you begin to learn this stuff, your interpretation of the world changes and instead of jumping to conclusions you begin to see things in a new light, as you get to grips with the signals of flirting.

30 Minute relationship assessment call with the Flirt Coach
Copyright © 1999 - 2009 Peta Heskell

               

The 7 Emotional Gremlins and how to dissolve them

You know what I mean by voices in your head.  Everyone has them.  It’s your reaction to what’s going on around you moment by moment

Something happens, you take it in, your mind goes ‘I know what this means’ and the voices start.. and you label it  worry, envy, fear, criticism, anger, blame, shame . These are the 7 major gremlins that plague most of us.

The good news is you can stop those feelings and commentaries and when you do, all those great sensations, ideas, solutions and aha’s just flood in…

When you are present, the voices are not…

Now this isn’t necessarily easy but it is doable.  And even if you only get it once a day, that’s once a day more than before… these voices are pesky creatures and they put up a good fight…but you can silence them…and the more you practise, the quieter it gets…

 The key is to be present.  The ‘how’ will come as you read…

How often are you really here

Most of the time we’re not ‘here’. We’re thinking about what happened in the past or we’re planning or worrying about what might happen and sometimes we just zone out altogether.

Every time you have an accident whether it’s slipping, tripping, bumping into something or someone or something more serious, the chances are you weren’t fully present.   You were oblivious of what was going on around you..

When you’re worrying your backside off about this and that or putting yourself down, you aren’t here.  Well you are, but your ATTENTION is elsewhere and you miss all the cues and signals.

Cues and signals are out there all the time.   And when you learn to get present, you automatically pick up loads more signals. 

How useful is that?

Every moment you are consciously aware of yourself, in particular your physical body, BELOW the neck as well as above, is a moment you are present. 

Every time you notice you’re ‘away with the fairies’ or ‘zoned out’ you’re attention is NOT here and now.

Here and Now  is where the real juice flows. 

When you are fully aware of your body, when you can hear, see, feel, smell and taste everything as it goes on around you in REAL time… you are fully present.

Like this you are totally in the zone and ready for action..you are primed like a perfect mechanism to notice what’s going on around you AND as you become more adept, even to begin to sense in advance what’s about to happen, like Nicholas Cage in ‘Next’…..

Imagine being like this, feeling your body, aware of the little movements, your alignment, whether your neck is scrunched or not, how hunched or relaxed are your shoulders.. where do you feel tension in your muscles?

Can you lift your arm and feel that movement begins somewhere other than your arm…check out  and as you notice your breathing, where does it appear to go to.. your upper chest, your ribs or your belly?

How even is your breathing…slowly you can notice where it goes and how it flows..simply by putting your attention on it…. and even as you do your senses heighten

Sensually Aware

Imagine being with someone you love like this.. sensing all the nuances… as you touch every part of their body, slowly, feeling the energy in your fingertips or lips as they feel your touch…and respond to you…

This isn’t the stuff of erotic writing.. this is what’s possible when you learn how to be present and stay zoned in…

And when your attention strays, as soon as you notice it you’re back again…so noticing is not an opportunity to go ‘darn it I wasn’t here’ it’s a clue to go ‘great, I noticed that means I’m here’ and stay a little longer!!

You are in the now, present, here when you have conscious awareness of our body,  feeling your feet on the ground, noticing your breathing consciously, feeling your hands touching the mouse, the pad or the keyboard…even now as you read this, you can put your attention on any part of your body.. and zone into it noticing the sensations and the surrounds and slowly move your attention anywhere you choose…breathing as you do.. rhythmically, slowly…

And when you learn how to do this you can also begin to zone into how you are when you’re being totally and utterly YOU at YOUR BEST.

My facilitator training consisted of a lot of somatic work. That means that there was a lot of attention put on becoming aware of our bodies and that of our clients. 

We were regularly directed to notice in particular how our body shifts as we start to remember and access the feelings of being at our best.

And the more I was ‘in my body’ attention on it, the more I began to notice the minute micro muscular shifts other people made… I was learning how to pick up movement by noticing where it began and adumbrating it… which means I learned to know where they were going to move before they did…

Loving Sensitivity Increases

So, like this what’s it like when you’re with someone you love, picking up signals from them, being ready for what comes up, not defensive, but relaxed and comfortable… not thinking about something else or immediately making stuff up, but slowing down enough to wait and leave a pause, a space, a gap in between one thought and the next…

 Imagine how many cross words, arguments or fights this might stop before they run away with us.

Imagine how sensitive you become to your lover.. in all ways…knowing how to move from the shifts and sounds they make…knowing just what they want.. sensing it…before they do..

Imagine when you’re just hanging out with people being able to pick up their signals more clearly and not making stuff about what you imagine they might be thinking… just noticing what you notice…cos you’re in REAL TIME

How much easier would it be to allow someone to approach you or to approach someone like that, not yapping bad stuff to yourself, but just putting your attention on your body and then on the other person fully…

You can learn to do this with yourself and other people..people…

Dissolving unwanted ‘emotional disturbances’

When you begin to feel one of the 7 gremlins starting up, simply put your attention on the physical sensations of the feelings as soon as you notice them and follow these sensations in your body as they move and change.  

 Like this you are unable to chatter garbage to yourself.  You are unable to chatter, you just ARE.   

And the more you do it the more you automatically begin to notice when you’re off much more quickly and are able to get back on track much more easily.

Do Yoga, Tai Chi, martial arts

I do yoga.  Yoga brings me into present awareness through my body as I focus my attention on the journey I make into a pose.. slowly  noticing the moves and synching them to my breathing..

I have found this to be of immense value….and advise all my clients to take up something like yoga, tai chi, chi kung or any martial art where they are directed to experience their body… 

I don’t know how to express strongly enough … that this truly is the key…  

When we are Present, the voices are not

Simple solution  in theory AND it’s the journey of a lifetime to monitor, notice and readjust back to here and now.. but the rewards are HUGE!!!

Just keep noticing where they begin and follow those feelings in your body NOT in your head

               

What if I told you that every relationship you attract is perfect even if it seems like a nightmare to you at the time.  When I say this to most of my clients, they do a double take.  

If all this sounds like one big paradox, then it’s probably because, like me, you were sold the illusion of what perfection is.  

I’m not suggesting you can’t meet someone really gorgeous who fulfils all the requirements on your Attraction Plan.   That is a total possibility AND it depends on how self-aware, self-correcting and evolved you are.     I am saying that the Law of Attraction isn’t quite as straightforward as some have professed.

Most of us have not yet ‘ascended’ to that place where life or anything else in it is perfect.   That’s because perfection is not some state you strive for, it’s in your attitude.  And I know, it’s not easy to just change an attitude that doesn’t work.   It’s often taken years of programming to put it in. That’s why coaches exist.  That’s why people pay to go on self awareness programs.  

Attitude is all

My friend Kayla , a down to earth, laugh a minute gal.   When breast cancer struck her at 32, she told me she looked down at her breast and said  ‘Well matey, you’ve obviously got some message for me.. .what is it?’ 

Instead of labelling this illness as a tragedy, she saw it as an opportunity to evaluate her life and make some changes.  

Filter, Sort and Label- how we create the illusion of ‘reality’

Humans are masters at creating illusion.  We are set up with a sort and filter system that specifices what data we take in and how we organize and label it.  The criteria for what we sort and filter are determined by the beliefs and values that have been insinuated into us from birth and evolved throughout our life.   As you can imagine, we miss a helluva lot of data like this.

So, life happens and our sort and filter system goes into action, followed swiftly by the labelling mechanism.  At the labelling stage we decide , based on a tiny selection of data and a set of mostly skewed belief systems, whether an event is good or bad.

Alicia lived with a violent partner for ten years before she found the courage to leave him and take refuge in a shelter.   Alicia’s upbringing and genetic make up were such that she had grown up to be submissive, eager to please and fearful of strong men.    Her self esteem was at zero.   Enter her former partner like a bee to the nectar sniffing out her weaknesses.   

This was a totally perfect relationship for Alicia.   Later looking back she was able to relabel the relationship.  She told me that the relationship was a catlyst that forced her out of her weakness and stirred up enough strength in her to take charge and take action in her life.     She relabelled from  being a ‘nightmare’ to a powerful  life learning experience

How the Attraction Plan works

Fortunately, with enough self awareness and willingness to evolve, we don’t all have to go through an experience like Alicias to realize what we really want and need.

Attraction planning is not making a wish, saying affirmations and waking up to find Prince or Princess Charming has arrived on your doorstep.  Attraction planning is a very powerful self awareness tool and prompt for change which helps you tune into more of who you are and replaces mixed signals with clear beacons of light.

When you begin to use strategic attraction planning, all kinds of things are revealed to you about you.  Part of the role of an attraction coach is to help you question youself and your desires throughout the process.    Your self awareness is heightened and you begin to home in on the personal qualities that you want to refine.  

Doing the attraction process also serves as a clarity beacon on dates.  Instead of jumping in because one of the qualities you want is predominant, your awareness is focused on your overall needs and thus you become more observant and you make much more considered, less impulsive decisions.  

In my experience, most of the clients I work with on their Attraction Plan have all kinds of imaginary demands and deal breakers which actually limit their choices.  Many people discover through coaching that their desires are either highly materially based or excessively emotionally needy. 

By working through it with a relationship or attraction coach, they learn to evaluate what they think they want and zone in on what is truly important.  They also learn where they are looking for someone to fill in the gaps that they need to fill in themselves.   

A change of sort can reap miracles

A friend of mine called me recently to share the tale of her new romance.  Love her as I do, I have watched her over the years constantly sorting for what I call the  ‘padded wallet’.   Looks weren’t anywhere near as important as the size of his money clip.    I watched and waited for it was not my place to coach her.

She was the kind of girl who had men buying her $500 shoes on a first date without having to do so much as kiss them.       She got exactly what she wanted to attract at the time - rich men who were prepared to empty their wallets because she was just so damned sexy.

I stood by and watched it unfold, seeing her attracting all kinds of very rich but highly unsuitable men, never allowing to surface the true depth of connection and vulnerability that I knew existed in her.    

Hallelujah! I’ve seen the light

Last week she shared with me her epiphany.   ‘Peta’, she said, ‘you won’t believe this.  I’m dating a guy with long hair who works as a carpenter and I went camping with him’.    It was difficult to imagine this of a woman who would have previously had a man lay down his cashmere overcoat for her to walk on before allowing a drop of mud to touch her precious pradas.  

She went on to say ‘You know I used to sort for finance, but something happened and I started to sort for the feeling’.    She’d been so bent on finding a rich man that she had cut off her intuitive feeling sensations.    

Sometimes we just don’t know what’s good for us.  Sometimes we just have to have the experience of a seemingly less than perfect relationship to realize what we really want.  All our relationships are perfect because they are simply small steps on our journey to evolving sufficiently to attracting a deeply satisfying intimate relationship.

How does Attraction Planning help?

When you begin to work on your attraction plan, keep this in mind.  As you write out your ‘wish list’ take the time to go inside and check on your intuitive feelings.  Ask yourself is this really what I want and am I asking for this because I feel personally lacking in this area? Ask youreslf  ‘will this really fulfill me in the deepest sense’

Question Yourself

The great thing about going through the Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is that instead of just writing down a wish list, you are encouraged at every turn to question and refine what you think you want.   And it doesn’t stop at a ‘what you want from them’ wish list.

And as you move through the four steps, you will find yourself evaluating just how worthy you are of what you want.  And you will learn what has to happen for you to attract this. And it will most likely require you to let go of certain personality traits that no longer serve you.

Mirror Mirror

Everything you attract will reflect where you are on your personal evolution timeline.    Be grateful for it, learn from it and let go of what doesn’t serve you.   NEVER ever say ‘if only, I’d done x, y or z’   This is a complete waste of time.  You have NO idea what would have happened if you’d married that guy or not spent ten years with the other.   

One client of mine used to constantly imagine how much better his life would have been if he’d got a degree instead of studying bookeeping.   I told him ‘you could have gone to college, walked across a road to meet the woman of your dreams and been run over by a truck’. 

We cannot know what life will bring us and there is only one thing we can be certain of.  Life has a way of highlighting all our fears and weaknesses.    We have the choice to learn the lesson swiftly or undergo repetitive relationship patterns until we get it.  

You will also be encouraged to reflect on the past week and consider what came up for you, what you noticed about what you’re attracting from the attitude of a store clerk to noticing people looking at you differently.    You learn to read the signs more accurately.

The Attract Your Perfect Relationship program is designed to help you bypass lots of the pain by focusing on what you really need and want and above all, what has to happen for you to attract that kind of bounty.

Check out our 4-part 6 hour attraction program and start attracting now!

with love
peta

               

Bodyenergy

Many respected forms of therapy are based on the theory that your body is a map of your emotions..
Alexander Lowen, one of the creators of bioenergetics, says: ‘Bioenergetics is a therapeutic technique to help a person get back together with his body and to help him enjoy, to the fullest degree possible, the life of the body.’

Do you remember being told as a kid not to make faces because the wind would change and you’d get stuck like that? That wasn’t an old wives’ tale, it was the truth.

We do get stuck in certain unattractive postures on a regular basis. Have you ever had the experience of watching TV or a film and realizing you’ve been frowning for a long time? There are plenty of other looks and postures that are equally unattractive. If you start by being aware of what you’re putting out there, you can begin to change it.

Your body is like a museum of all your past emotions. As a baby your body was loose, vulnerable, open, relaxed, ready for action, very mobile and able to reach out in all directions. Energy flowed naturally and you had a gentle pulse or rhythm that was regular and easy.

As you came into contact with the world, this naturally flowing energy made contact with other kinds of  other  people’s negative and positive energy vibrations. We sense physically when we encounter a strong form of energy there’s a rude interruption of the natural flow and rhythm of our bodies.

When your ‘heart skips a beat’ your heart actually does beat irregularly when you experience certain emotions – When something ‘takes your breath away’ it means that for a moment you stop breathing and the natural flow of your breathing is interrupted.

When we come into contact with things that feel good, we open up to it inside and out.  Our posture expands and our limbs separate and we smile. When we come into contact with unpleasant emotions, we literally contract as muscles clench, breath is held and the body tenses up. We arm ourselves to resist.

Rigid Discipline

Robert was a hyperactive child. He was constantly told to stop fidgeting. As a result, when he felt the urge to fidget he remembered his mother’s disapproving shout and anger and he clenched his fists and held his arms very rigidly at his side. His body developed the habit so much that he spent most of him life clenching his fists and holding himself rigidly. He appeared stiff and lifeless. His inner glow was so restricted by his body that he couldn’t let it out.

When we contract it’s as if we’re building a defence against our true feelings. Our rhythms become discordant and we start to bend and twist into unpleasant shapes. And we don’t look attractive.
What Will the Neighbors Say?

Genevieve worried constantly about what people would say about her. One day we were standing by the window looking down at the view, or so I thought, when Genevieve’s hand shot out to straighten the net curtain. As she did so she started to mutter, ‘They’re really critical round here – they pick up on everything.’ And then I noticed that her back had begun to curve and quite unconsciously she had stopped speaking out loud but was just moving her lips. The more she muttered, the more her back bent over. I stopped her and pointed it out. She was horrified to realize that she was creating a dowager’s hump for herself. Awareness is the precursor of change.

Wake up to what you’re doing now.

As you begin to work on the bits of your body that are stuck, you will also find yourself releasing the link to the emotions that made you get like that in the first place. And as you do that, you are freeing up your body to learn what it is like to be joyful, alive, lissom, sensual and expansive.

Sometimes just thinking about what that would be like is enough to shift your body. So what’s it like when your body is aligned and flowing? Why not try it out for yourself with the following exercise?

Stand up and keep your feet apart with your buttocks loose and unclenched. Feel your feet firmly planted on the ground and keep your head balanced on the top of your neck. Imagine you have a golden string at the top of your head that draws you upwards. Let your shoulders droop and your arms hang down.

As you breathe in, feel your chest rising upwards. Begin to rock and sway from your hips. Lift your arms to your side and stretch them as far as you can. Move your shoulders back and forth in circles and purse your lips in a sexy kissing motion as you do so, finishing by licking your lips and smiling.
Go take a dance class, do some yoga or just continue to do this exercise once a day.

               

NLP Articles Dating Strategies 101 - An Update on the last Post

Making sense of it all - in a more NLP like way…

When we like someone and we are interested in them, after we spend time with them we need to process it    Sometimes we talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on.   And sometimes we write in a diary.  And sometimes we just let it go round and round in our head.  And it can get muddled up.

Some things can become more important than they need to be.    Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.

After an  encounter with a new  person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings I’m going to give you some pointers on the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head!      Feel  free to add in your own avenues of enquiry.

Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstacy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.

As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head.  The knowing is in your body.  Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’.  The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’   You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.

If on a date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.?  If it changed what happened?

Do you like this person?
What is it about them that you like
Can you talk to them?
How do you know?
Are you attracted to them?
How do you know?
Are there any serious values clashes?
How do you know? What are they?
If you were on a date, were you making decisions very early on? What were they based on?
What do you want to happen next?
What has to happen for that to happen?
What might be stopping you?
What did you learn about yourself?

And be sure when you’re filling in this information to awry of the assumptions you might be making
Assumptions and Judgements
As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.

Have you judged them about anything?   What evidence did you have?  Is it enough to convict them?  Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?

It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more.  Sometimes we can be very hasty.

Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.
What did you reveal?
What roles might you have been playing? Were you repeating any of your patterns.
How real were you being?  Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.
Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?

Did  you play any games? Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo I LOVE football .  What happens when they invite you to a game?

If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?

You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far.   You have embarked on the relationship journey.  You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself.  And you want to make it work.  Don’t you.

And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of  communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships.    And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.

               

DATING STRATEGIES 101
Dating - Your dating patterns

I suspect that you, like many others, have rules and behaviours for dating.  It might be useful for you to examine what specifically it is that you do that doesn’t seem to work?   If you notice stuff that does work, great, keep it.   Sometimes we build up expectations and then try to fit everyone into that tailor-made box

The following exploration is your chance to find out

Before a date do you have expectations and if so?

What dreams do you set up for dates and do they disappoint you?
Are they expectations for yourself and/or for other people?

Sometimes we expect things from people they can’t give and then we get disappointed and we don’t have any uplifting standby thoughts.

When you make a date with someone what happens immediately afterwards?

Are you excited, nervous?
Do you zoom into the future and start to plan a life together, or maybe you just plan a hot night together?
What do you say to yourself?
Is it encouraging or depressing?
What kind of images do you make in your mind’s eye of how it will be?

What you say and visualise is conditioning yourself for how you behave on the date and what vibes you’ll send out.  It’s important to know what you are setting yourself up for.

Your dating rules

What beliefs and rules do you have about who should do what?
Perhaps you think a man should always call a woman?
Where do you draw the line?  Is it OK for a woman to approach a man but not to ask him for a date?
Have you ever thought of what would happen if you broke one or two of these rules and whose rules are they anyway?

On the date

What really turns you off someone?
Is it superficial stuff like how they dress or is it something more fundamental such as their religious or moral stance?
Which might be a better standard of judgement?

Do you start to size up your date from the very first moment?

Are you ticking off a list or making judgements or are you just allowing yourself to find out more about them or what?
Do you have rules running through your head that encourage you to pretend to be something you are not, whether it’s prim and proper when you’re wild and uninhibited or pretending to be out on Saturday night when you’ve no plans at all.
Perhaps you pretend that you’re more experienced than you really are or that you don’t really want to sleep with someone because you are too ‘nice’ for that?

Dating - The First Encounter

A date is simply an appointment to meet someone and beyond that it is an opportunity to explore that person and yourself.

You know that feeling before you go for a job interview? You have to sell yourself in a short period of time and you know you won’t get another chance. I’ve been for some job interviews when I knew that it was exactly what I wanted. And I’ve been for others when I’ve thought, ‘Oh well, it’s a job and I can do it.’ And I’ve been for others when I thought it was what I wanted but discovered it wasn’t!

Some of us go into an interview thinking that the decision is entirely that of the interviewer. We ask ourselves anxiously, ‘Will they pick me?’ Some of us go in with the attitude that they will be bowled over by our skills. We say to ourselves, ‘How can they resist me?’

And some clever people go into an interview knowing what they want and being open to finding out if what they are offering is right for the job. They say to themselves, ‘Whatever happens, it’s going to be interesting.’

A date is very much like a job interview – first impressions count and the first encounter determines whether there’ll be a second. The difference is that you don’t have to make any quick life-changing decisions when you are dating. It can go on as long as you need to discover whether to move to the next level or say ‘Ciao, it’s been fun!’

The Eight Keys to Intuitive Dating

1. There are two people on the date and each of you has your own unique agenda of expectations, dreams, beliefs and rules.
2. Be curious and open to finding out more about the person. Imagine you are about to open a mystery present.
3. Be playful. If you have a sense of fun and transmit that to another person, they’re much more likely to join in.
4. Be prepared to ask questions before jumping to conclusions and judgement.
5. Listen to your intuition and pay attention to trigger feelings and what causes them.
6. Remember you are always learning something about yourself when you interact with other people.  Pay attention to what’s happening to you
7. Be OK with whatever happens. Even if it doesn’t work out, it’ll be a learnng AND a good story to tell your friends.
8. Be yourself. You don’t want someone to fall in love with someone you’re not!

Dating - After the Date - making sense of it all

When the date is over how do you react?

Do you go back over it and wish you’d done something different or do you think of it as just another experience and who knows what’s next?
Do you wait for them to contact you or are you prepared to make the next move?
Is the behaviour you indulge in before, during and after a date motivating and encouraging or does it make you feel worse?

When we like someone after a first date and we think we want to see them again we will go back and think about the time we’ve spent with them. Sometimes we’ll talk to our friends and analyse what’s going on. Sometimes we’ll write things down in a diary. And sometimes we’ll just let it all go round and round in our head.

And, like that, it can get muddled up. Some things can become more important than they need to be.

After an  encounter with a new  person it can be quite useful to review your impressions and get clear on your feelings.

Keeping a mental file or making a map about what’s going on is to help you clarify things you noticed and your reactions to them as well as your own thoughts.

Here are some pointers to the the data you might want to collect and we’re going to concentrate on having you gauge this by your feelings not just what’s in your head!

Reviewing the encounter
We all ‘label’ feelings with words like ‘anger’ ‘happiness’ ‘ecstacy’ ‘irritation’ but I want you to uncover the physical sensations that go on in your body that prompt you to apply a particular label.

As you answer the questions ‘How do you know’, remember the answer is NOT in your head.  The knowing is in your body.  Most people might say something like ‘I just do’ or ‘I feel it’.

The answer I want you to find, which will help you get into your body is another question ‘what differences are you noticing in sensations in your body and where are they located and how do they feel’

You might I answer ‘I know I like them because I get this tingly feeling just in my heart area, and it kind of spreads to my arms’.

After the date, what was your first impression and your leaving one.?  If it changed what happened?

Do you like this person?
What is it about them that you like

Can you talk to them?
If you can, what was it that worked?

Are you attracted to them?
How do you know? What was it about them that was attractive

Are there any serious values clashes?
How do you know? What are they?

Reviewing in more depth

What about their behaviour and actions
What have they done that you liked/disliked and why?
What have they said that you liked/disliked and why?
What words do they use frequently?
What energy do they give out? Are they always on the move or more laid back?
How does that feel to you?

What are they good at and what skills do they have?
What do they enjoy doing?
What skills do they appear to have/tell you they have?
What kind of work do they do?

What drives them and what’s important to them?
What clues have they given away as to their political or religious leanings?
What have they told you about what they want?

Do they like their work?
If they do, what do they like about it?
If they don’t, what would they rather be doing?
What’s important to them?
What are they looking for?

Who do they think they are?
How do they define themselves? (Some people are their work, others their families, others their class – and some, of course, are just themselves.)

And be sure when you’re filling in this information to be wary of the assumptions you might be making

Assumptions and Judgements

As you think about what they said and how the evening went, you will have formed some thoughts and opinions. And I’m willing to bet that some of these fall into the category of assumption or judgement.

Have you judged them about anything?   What evidence did you have?  Is it enough to convict them?  Do they deserve another chance?
What have you assumed from their words, actions or lack of words or actions?
On what evidence do you base these assumptions?

It might be useful to think ‘innocent until proven guilty’. And if you are worried about something, follow it up, find out more.  Sometimes we can be very hasty.

Just check yourself from time to time and recognise what you do. Awareness is half way to curing it.

Reviewing You

What roles might you have been playing?
Were you repeating any of your patterns.
How real were you being?

Give yourself marks out of 10 with 10 for being totally yourself and 1 where you were putting on a big act.

Was there something you wanted to ask but didn’t?

Did  you play any games?
Some people pretend they are really interested in something when they’re not? You hate football but you look at them and coo ‘I LOVE football’

How would  you cope when they invite you to a game over and over?

If you did hold back on some things, what would you like to reveal next time either to this person or someone else?

Were you making decisions very early on?
How do you know? What were they based on?

What do you want to happen next?
What has to happen for that to happen?
What might be stopping you?
What did you learn about yourself?

You’ve met someone who seems to be a good match and fit so far.   You have embarked on the first stages of a potential relationship journey.  You are on a voyage of discovery not just of someone else, but also of yourself.  And you want to make it work.  Don’t you.

And no matter how madly in love you are, life keeps on coming at you. And this is when we most need the skills of  communicating, creating and maintaining our relation-ships.    And you’ll find it even easier to weather the storms and sail through into calmer waters after you’ve read the articles on communicating and relating – putting it into action.

Roles we play

How we learn to play roles
Relationships often act as a stage for some of the world’s greatest actors.

Most of us have found ourselves adopting certain behaviours because that’s how we think people want us to be. We unconsciously take on certain learned behaviour because we think that’s the only way our needs will get met.   .

Over our lifetime we’ve seen people doing stuff that seems to get them what they want and some of the roles we play may appear on the surface to work, but in reality they’re giving us as much success as a farmer might get trying to plough his field with a table fork.

If you were able to stick around to see the side effects that result from being someone you’re not we might think twice about this behaviour as a good way of doing things.

e.g. We see someone throwing a tantrum to get what they want.  We see the other person giving in.  We register. Tantrum = getting what you want.

What we don’t register are the bad feelings that both the tantrum thrower and the person on the receiving end are getting.  And somewhere along line it’s possible that someone might stop giving in and walk away because it’s all got too painful.

We’ve adopted role playing as a ‘coping’ tool.

Sometimes we overdo the playacting.  You might play a leader-type role.   It’s great to lead people if you have a vision and respect for their needs,  but when you can’t feel good without having other people follow you, that’s putting control of how you feel in the hands of other people, isn’t it.

As you read the descriptions of common role-plays we adopt, you’ll  probably recognise certain behaviours that you’ve noticed in yourself or other people.  The stories are designed to make you ask yourself  ‘am I doing something like this and if so how is it hindering or helping me?’

WE humans are very fond of typing ourselves.  We think of ourselves as a typical Capricorn or a controller or an ENTJ [Myers Briggs personality assessment].   These aspects are only a small aspect of what makes up our persona and they’re very useful within limits.  But if we live by our labels, we’re closing down to what else is possible.

When you look at the kinds of roles people play, please resist the temptation to  pigeon hole yourself.  Instead realise that most people playact in some way and that you can choose roles that help you or ones that hinder you.

Most of us have taken on one or other of these roles.  As you read through the descriptions, notice what rings true for you.

Types of Roles
The saboteur
Sam rarely expected that anything would go right for him.  He used to say about his relationships ‘sooner or later they get fed up with my ways and leave’. A friend once set him up with a meeting that was a just right for Sam business opportunity.  Sam got sick the night before and couldn’t make it and then found all kinds of reasons why it would never have worked anyway.  On a first date with a girl he quite liked, Sam turned up an hour late.   He was also late on the second date.   When she didn’t return his calls he said to himself ‘I don’t blame her, no one can cope with my lateness’.

Values for sale
Paula wanted to be friends with the in-crowd at school.  She would go along with whatever they said in order to be liked.    Even when she didn’t agree she would nod her head because she was convinced that if she went against Sue in any way,  the group wouldn’t want to be friends with her.  As a teenager and in her early twenties, Paula slept with many men because she thought that was a way of making them like her.

Poor me
Veronica’s  father left her mother when she was 15.  Her mother always complained that if ‘he’ hadn’t left, they’d all be happy.   Veronica  looks for men who will protect her and who will ‘be there for her’.  When she feels that her lover is moving away from her, she begins to develop serious problems that require all his attention.     She does everything she can to make her lover feel guilty.  She blames her problems on her partner’s lack of attention.

Forever young
As a 47 year old man, Eddie lives life like a child, carefree, with not a worry for what happens tomorrow.  He’s a free spirit.   In terms of relationships he’s a committed non-committer.   He has been through a series of relationships that mostly end when the woman gets fed up trying to get him to settle into a ‘grown up relationship’.  Eddie is also very concerned with youthful looks. He remarks that people ‘look young for their age’ and says things like ‘thank goodness I’ve still got all my hair’.

Super-person to the rescue
Julie always attracted men who had prospects but were ‘flawed’. She wanted to help them uncover their potential.  She felt good when she could help a man changing for the better.
Julie’s problems start when they change or no longer need her to make them feel good?  .
Your happiness is my command
Jim was very placid and hated confrontation and arguments.   Jim believed his role in life was to make a woman happy.  He would go out of his way to do everything to protect them from stress and pain, often denying his own needs in order to please his lover.

How does this work

Jim will often attract women who are very demanding.  If the other person isn’t content, Jim feels like a failure.

I will provide
Tony was brought up to believe that a man’s role was to climb the corporate ladder, and provide for his wife and children and be a king in his own castle.  . He has to be in charge and responsible for his dependents in order to feel good.

What will happen to Tony if he loses his job and is no longer able to provide?

Daddy’s princess
Beverly was Daddy’s little princess. Her father had risen from poverty to great riches.   His credit card catered for her whims for designer clothes, parties, holidays.  Her mother described Beverley as ‘very high maintenance’

How does this work

Beverley only feels loved when she is being adored and all her demands are met. What will happen if the man she finds to do this loses his job or goes bankrupt.

Mummy’s bully boy
Frank had a very controlling mother.  She would criticise everything he said and attempt to rule his life.   Frank married a woman who was very meek and mild.   He couldn’t control his mother but he could control Gina.  He was jealous, possessive and demanding.

How does this work

Frank gains his sense of power from controlling Gina. When he doesn’t have anyone to control Frank feels out of control.

I must be perfect
Sally was a perfectionist.  She worried about what people would say and never discussed problems with her friends and  She worked hard to present a picture of a perfect marriage.

How does this work

Sally gets her sense of self worth from other people’s approval.  She’s under severe stress playing this role and may not be able to hold on to it.

The attraction addict
Dean is a very charming attractive man.     He is very quick to tell a woman how wonderful she is and puts her on a pedestal like a goddess.  Women who encounter Dean think they’ve found the answer to their dreams.  Most of them are devastated when Dean dumps them because they aren’t  goddesses but normal human beings with flaws.

How does this work?

Dean gets his sense of power by making women feel adored.   Even if Dean does commit to someone,  it’s likely he’ll be a philanderer, having to find new women all the time to make him feel good.
Exploration – What roles do you play?
I’m sure that as you read through the above thoughts came to mind about the kind of things you do.  This list is just a small sample of how people playact in order to draw others into their feelgood needs.
Time for you to do some some self-assessment.  The purpose of this is to be aware of what you do so that you can use the stuff on the website to work out better ways of meeting your needs.

Which, if any,  of the above roles do you relate to most [it may be more than one]?
What do you usually get when you act like this?
What don’t you like about being like this
What do you want instead?

Empowering roles
It’s natural that we are going  to exhibit moderate doses of rescuing, pleasing, controlling, passivity or any of the other behaviours we do as long as we’re not sacrificing ourselves in the process.

For example, rescuing people can be considered a kind thing to do is a kind thing to do, but sometimes we need to think if what we are doing is really in their best interests.

Patricia was very jealous and hated Jack looking at other women.  Jack is a natural rescuer and his first instinct was to  keep his eyes to himself and stop doing the behaviour that was making her jealous.  .

He realised that if he did this he wouldn’t be helping Patricia to overcome her jealousy. .  He decided that instead of rescuing her, he would continue to do what came naturally whilst reassuring her that he loved and cared for her.  She finally worked through her jealousy, and Jack didn’t have to sublimate his natural tendencies in order to keep her happy.   Their relationship is much happier as a result.

So, next time you reach out to rescue, organise or please someone, it might be worth asking ‘Is this truly going to help them or me?’  And what else useful could I do to help them help themselves?
Balancing roles

We all play different roles in our relationships with people.   When taken to excessive extremes these roles can damage our relationships with others. But each role has beneficial as well as detrimental results.

Dominic has a very strong eye for detail.  He is slow, deliberate and methodical.  He has a tendency to be critical.  .  Lana, his girlfriend is constantly getting new ideas but rarely pays attention to detail.

Dominic doesn’t need to criticise someone to feel powerful, he just does it as part of his personality He uses his critical tendencies in a positive way.    His rational thinking comes in very useful when Lara’s making decisions based on emotions and excitement.  And when he gets too serious she encourages him to generate more ideas and she enthuses him with her excitement.   They both complement each other.

He’s playing his role in a way that works and so is she and they are in balance.

Learn from their stories

The stories people tell about their past relationships, how they are at work and how they treat their friends are clues to their personality. Listen for these clues and use them as a cue to get a clearer feel for that person by asking questions.
How they behaved
Kevin and Irene had an affair and fell in love . He left his wife because they’d grown apart and Irene was so much more in tune with him..    Irene was worried about Kevin’s ‘over attentiveness’ to his wife.

Irene understandably felt insecure. I asked her to to imagine that Kevin and she were separating.  Would she want him to be bitter and greedy with her and treat her coldly

Pay attention to how they have treated other people in previous relationships.  If it is consistent the chances are they’re going to behave in the same way to you in similar circumstances.

Nick appeared to be Susan’s dream man.   One day Nick told her about his father’s infidelity. He remarked that the men in his family seemed to have a propensity for keeping more than one woman.  Susan wanted to ask if he was like that but she didn’t.

After about 8 months, she found out that not only was he seeing his ex wife, but also a former girlfriend.  When she confronted him with this, he said ‘But you’re no 1’.  He’d given her the signs  but she’d paid no attention to this because she didn’t want to.

When people tell you stories listen for the subtle message. The more alert you are, the more you’re going to pick up.   If someone tells you something about themselves like this, be prepared to find out more.      And then you can decide what to do.
What’s important to them

When Derek met Cynthia they talked a lot about their ex’s.   They were still at the ‘complaining’ stage.  Derek used to complain how she always scowled.  He used to say ‘she didn’t realise how ugly she made herself when she did that’.   Cynthia remembered this and each time she began to make a nasty face at something Derek said, she’d stop herself and smile.   This was a very useful lesson.  Cynthia didn’t want to be a scowler, whether she was with Derek or not.   When I asked Derek what was special about Cynthia, one of the things he mentioned was how her ‘happy smiling face’ brightened up his day.

Paula told Tom how she’d left Al because he was always bringing her work down.  She writes about health and beauty and Al used to scoff.  That’s not real writing, that’s just women’s mag stuff.  Al never read her work and they rarely discussed it.   Tom remembered this.  He wasn’t much interested in women’s beauty but after hearing how Al had cocked up, he decided to open out and find out about what Paula did.    He loved seeing her light up when she talked about her work and he would ask questions when he didn’t understand.  Tom learned from the story of Al.

               

Self-Awareness: How Do You Communicate?

How do you rate yourself as a communicator?

Are you effective, powerful and attractive or is there room for improvement?

The questions below are intended to make you think about how you communicate, what you communicate and how well you appear to be understood and where some improvement is required! As you read them through, pay attention to those scenarios that seem to leap out from the page. Notice how your body reacts and what thoughts you generate.

First of all, take a quick trip down memory lane to your schooldays.

• Were you ever asked to read out loud or perform to the class?
• Was it torture or did you enjoy it or was it somewhere in between?
• Did the teacher ever praise you or tell you off in front of the class?

Just notice whether this brings back unpleasant or pleasant feelings and then let them go and come back to the present.

Have you ever had a conversation where you felt that you were really in tune with the other person and they were in tune with you?

• What were they doing?
• What were you doing?

Have you ever had times when you felt as if you were having a big communication clash with someone?

• What is it that they said or did that didn’t work for you?
• What might you have been doing differently from them?

Are people rapt when you are talking or do you notice their attention wandering?

Do you find yourself regularly being asked to explain what you mean?

Do people respond to you in a way that leads you to believe they haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about? And more to the point, are you noticing this?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to speak up?

When you think about public speaking, do you:

• Get that sinking feeling and start to shake. It’s your greatest fear.
• Feel nervous because you’re not as good as you’d like to be in front of a group.
• Get excited because you love it.

What would it be like to stand up in front of a group and talk in such a way that you hold their attention and make them laugh and afterwards people come up to you and say, ‘That was great’?

When you are in a group, do you find yourself leading conversations or are you waiting for someone else to lead you?

When you talk to other people, do you sometimes think to yourself, ‘That’s not what I meant to say’?

When someone else is talking, are you hearing all of what they’re saying or are you analysing, making judgements or planning what you want to say in return?

How does it affect you when you make a statement and someone gives back a distorted analysis of it? Are you sometimes guilty of this yourself?

Has anyone ever said to you, ‘Listen to me!’ or ‘You’re not listening!’?

Do you tailor your conversation to suit the person you’re talking to or do you think, ‘Take me as you find me’?

Do you find it easy to persuade people to do things? How would you like more of that on tap?

Are there words or phrases that you use to excess?

Are you a fast talker or do you tend to speak … more … sloooowly?

Do you find it easier to converse with someone who puts in lots of detail or someone who paints a big picture?

When you start a conversation with someone new, do you put aside thoughts of how you might impress them and instead concentrate on finding out about them?
Now say ‘Yippee!’ because whatever ‘failings’ you think you have discovered, are going to be potent opportunities for you to develop into a charismatic communicator. And as a charismatic communicator you’ll find it easy to:

• develop and maintain a positive attitude towards yourself and others
• know what you want and expect the best
• make others feel comfortable, safe and relaxed with you
• get others to open out to you
• pay close attention
• gather information
• use the information to communicate in a way that’s personally compelling to people

In my Charismatic Communication 101 series, I’m give you some great insights and tips to get you started.

               

The Comfort Factor

Attractive communicators know that when people feel comfortable, they’re much more open to suggestion. Here are a few hints on how to make people feel relaxed.

Make Them Feel at Home

Pick the right place to talk. You might be happy to discuss personal stuff in the coffee room, but not everyone is. If you are about to communicate sensitive information, reprimand someone or ask them personal questions, pick a place where you can’t be overheard.

When someone else enters your space, it gives you the upper hand. Don’t abuse it. As the host, it’s your place to make easy for a guest to feel ‘at home’ in your environment. Don’t flaunt your power and sit behind your desk, for example, unless you deliberately want them to feel uncomfortable.

Similarly, if you are on their home ground, make up your mind to feel at home no matter what they do. Take responsibility for your own feelings and sense of personal power. Say to yourself, ‘If it is to be, it is up to me.’

Get on the Right Side of Them

I mean this literally. Most of us have a side on which it feels more comfortable to have other people stand or sit.  Sometimes we aren’t even aware of it, we just sense a little more discomfort if they’re on the wrong side.
So, if possible, let a person sit or stand or loll where they feel most comfortable. Wait till they’re settled and then ask them whether they’d be more comfortable with you on their right or left. A simple ‘Would you prefer it if I sat here or there?’ as you indicate each spot will do it.
If you are someone who tries to please other people too much, however, or always lets other people choose, you might want to take this opportunity to go for what makes you comfortable.

Equalize with Them

People who have an affinity with kids can often be found on the floor at ‘kid level’. They’re more into having fun with the kid than maintaining their status as superior adults. If you want to create equality in your communication, sit or stand beside someone on the same level. After all, you’re OK about who you are, aren’t you? You don’t need to put someone down or hide behind a fancy desk, do you?

Watch their Space

Before you approach someone, smile and made eye contact first. This tells them you’re friendly and safe. Don’t rush in and stand too close or ‘in their face’, or sneak up on them or take them by surprise, as you will step over the boundaries of their personal space. This is the distance we all need to keep between ourselves and another person. The amount we require varies. If we like a person and know them well, we will let them get much closer than a stranger can.

Be aware of a person’s personal space. If you dive in too close too quickly, they will feel invaded. Constantly check for ‘space invasion imminent’ warning signs. These are the signals that occur just before a person contracts and moves back. Small facial muscle changes, narrowing eyes and moving the chin backwards are all signs flashing up the message ‘Get any closer and I’m moving back.’ (See more detailed information on signals in the post NLP Communications – Reading Signals’.)

One good way to experiment with moving closer to people is to move gently in and out of their space. Make sure you are smiling and make brief but regular eye contact, then take a small step towards them and move backwards again. Continue to do this from time to time, moving a little bit closer each time. The small steps acclimatize a person to you and make them more willing to let you into their space.
People do all sorts of things in their personal space, including using the area in front of them like a projection screen. When they’re thinking about the future and possibilities, they tend to glance in front. So if you sit or stand directly in front of them, you could be in the space they use for viewing the contents of their mind’s eye! When you want someone to access their bliss spot or get a good picture of something you’re proposing, give them a clear line of sight ahead and stand aside.